Me as a Bad Example

I'm in a circle of friends for almost 3 decades and we became friends since 1994. We have different attitude, talent, interest, religion and beliefs. Despite of that , were still friends, enjoying each other's company and taking care each other. But this past few months, I distance myself and just recently, I almost want to remove myself.

When one of my friends got mental breakdown she had an hallucinations and became aggressive. She's was mad and keep cursing . And the one she's cursing was me. I know she's out of her mind but why me? I thought I'm ok to her because she's always stay in my place and I'm the one who helping her when she needed a checker for the test paper, she's a teacher by the way.

So my other friends keep teasing me that I should be nice to her more. I'm just pretending I'm ok but it hurts deep inside. Now she's ok because she's taking now her maintenance and even checking her if she's ok. I even give her my XXL Scrunchies for her to use when she go to school, I send her vitamins c as well, but in the back of my mind - what have I done?.

In my circle, me and my best friend didn't graduated in college but she's living in UK so I'm the only who stay physically in group that didn't get any degree. I'm the only who don't have permanent job and I'm the only one who can't join with them if they want to stroll somewhere. And I didn't know that my status in life will be a big deal.

Before I got an online shop, me and my friends had a video call and one of them said - I almost became like Angela, I was supposed to resign but I changed my mind.

I was just pretending that i was ok, but duh! Why not just say that you almost lost your job? Why you have to say just like me ? I was insulted, but what can I do? She was right. That time I just stop first online selling and choose to work under my papa's woodcraft as a repacker. It's only a part time and I just earn a small amount.

After a few months, same person/friend got pregnant. She was joking when she told me that she will get me as a babysitter, but she also asked, what her baby will learn from me. After I heard it, I even question myself, am I useless?

...................

Last week, one of my friend got married to her Pakistani boyfriend. It's a unplanned wedding ceremony so she called me to stand as her witness. After that, she announced it on the group chat that she will introduce her husband, but one of my friend (same person who degraded me 👆)got sulk because why the newly wed friend didn't call her for her wedding. Because for her, she's the one who deserves to stand as a witness and not me. Because for her, she's a nicer and kind to her while me is too frank and bully.

I'm not interested to be a witness in the first place. I just want my friends to be happy even I'm not a part of it. Bully? They keep tagging me if they want me to tease some of my friends so that everybody can laugh. I didn't know that it will mark me as a bad person. Yes, I'm too honest or sometimes brutally honest but it always depends on the situation. If I'm the bad one, why they get mad if I don't join with them. Why they always asked me to go? So that they have clown and no full moment?

Sometimes,I don't know where I place my self. And now I keep asking myself, am I that bad? Do I need to take seriously what my friend's Pakistani husband said that everybody loves you or interested on you when you have money?

Oh by the way he's a great guy and assure me that my friend is in good hand. And even told me that I'm fun to talk with. Maybe I don't deserve that compliment because someone much deserve it but she's busy sulking. Hayz, it ruin my emotions but I have to go on.

Sorry for the rant. It keeps running on my head and I need to release it. And sorry for spreading negative vibes here. This will be the last and that's a promise.