Afternoons in the Philippines are incredibly hot. If I had a choice, I would just sleep through the hottest part of the day and just move around during the cool hours. But alas, there are things that need to be done when the sun is up and shining.
This afternoon, I had a realization after some journaling.
I was going through all the times that I felt like I wanted to leave the house and just live on my own.
It might seem like a pretty dream but I have done some math back then, and I could afford to do that with my current savings plus the monthly stipend that I receive.
So, in other words, if I one day decided to leave, I know that I can take care of myself well enough.
But still, I am here. Living in the same roof that just a few years ago, I vowed to leave as soon as I can manage that.
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When I started in high school, the distance between me and my family started to grow. This is because I was mostly out doing group activities and when I am at home, I am doing more requirements.
We always had fights about it, and I always find myself bitterly passing the blame onto them since my parents were the one who wanted to me to attend a Science High School.
I remember feeling jealous when I encounter my elementary acquintances and they were out having fun, their problems were 2 quizzes on the same day and just that.
While for us, we had 3 quizzes plus projects, assignments and tons of groupworks every single day.
School had taken up a good chunk of my life back then. And younger me blamed my parents for it.
I know that if I had asked, they would have allowed me to go but the school is not that easy to let go of students. I know because I tried it during Grade 10.
After years of abusing my body to the point where I look like a skeleton and my mind is always empty, I finally broke down and asked my parents to transfer me to another school.
But like I said, the school is not easy to let go of students especially when they are part of the pilot section. So I rested then came back during major examination week without knowing the lessons I missed. I passed all of the tests, even getting highest for about half of the subjects which further reinforced the school's belief that they made the right choice forcing me to stay.
Anyway, this bitterness in me lives on until Senior High School even though the subjects got easier since we are just following the normal curriculum so the subjects are not so overwhelming like before.
Sure, the teachers adjusted the lessons to make it harder and more advanced but it was easier since instead of staying at school from 7:00am to 5:30pm, we only had to stay until 3:30pm. That 2 hours difference already meant a lot to us since it gave us more free time to think and to rest.
But my parents still find ways to make me feel worse (or so I thought).
It happened one night
They caught my younger sisters using their phones past 10:00pm and decided to confiscate oue phones by 10:00pm every nights since then. Even me who was asleep by that time.
Sure, it should not have mattered since I was asleep by then but it still made me angry at them because why was I part of the punishment when I did not do anything wrong.
For the next 2 years, I will be planning how to leave the house soon as I reached 18.
When I got my first job at 18, my father will always bring me to my workplace and is always there to pick me up when it is time to go home. So I basically just go to work then go home.
I could have left then and I would have been okay. I had a stable salary, and I already signed a scholarship grant that gives me monthly stipend.
Back then I had a choice to leave. But I did not take it.
Why?
Because one time I waited for more than an hour for my father to pick me up from work. My out is at 3:00am but he did not hear the alarm he set and only woke up at around 5:00am. I was already sleepy then and I really wanted to go home but they told me not to commute during those times even if I can. So I waited.
You might think that this should have been the last straw for me. That this should have been the push I needed to leave but that is exactly opposite of what happened.
It was the moment that made me decide to stay. It was the moment when I gave most of my salary to my parents and only getting some money for my lunch everyday at work.
It was the moment when I saw just how old my parents were getting.
It made me realize that they already need to rest but still they work hard to make sure we have a better life than them.
They might do things that I do not agree with. They might say things that hurt me. They might be toxic sometimes.
But they still did their best to help us have a brighter future.
When most parents would have given up when I was struggling to fight my demons, they did not leave. They did not understand what I was going through but they still did their best to help me through it. They did not make me feel alone.
When I had a nasty fight with them when I was sure that I would leave the next day. I would remember how they always stay up all night until all of us (sisters) are home safe.
Sometimes it feels like the pressure put on me is too much. Sometimes it feels like my worth in the family is only measured by how much money I can give now and in the future. But I hear them whispering about problems that they never told us. I see them using all their money for our needs, and never for their wants.
Sure, it is their responsibility. But I believe that they no longer have to do that when we can technically take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, there are still moments when I wanted to leave and I know that I can. The hurtful words play in my mind like a never ending tape.
But I stayed still. Toxic may it be sometimes but they are trying.
We grew up in different generation so what they believe in may no longer apply to what we believed in. But they are trying to understand. And even if we disagree on a lot of things (especially politics and relationship views) they are still doing what they can to help.
When we mess up, they could have left us to deal with it alone but they carried it with us.
The life I can think of when I live my home is peaceful, quiet, and oh so incredibly lonely. So I stayed despite the times that I could have left.
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Minsan naiisip ko rin yang mga bagay na Yan especially kapag nagkakaroon kami Ng misunderstanding pero bigla ko ring marerealize na hindi na nga pala sila pabata. Siguro may mga situations lang talaga na Yung mga parents at anak ay may magkaiba Ng pagkakaintindi. Oo Minsan nakakasawa kase sobrang strict Ng parents ko to the point na parang Di na ako makahinga pero at the end of the day , Parents ko pa rin sila and I know that they only do the best things to guide me as a better person. Alam ko rin na Minsan pare-parehas lang kami napapagod kaya Minsan namimis interpret lang natin Yung mga actions Nila.