A bitter pill to swallow

I started writing here as part of my self-love journey. I mentioned it a few times now but I thinj it is worth repeating every now an then. It serves a great reminder as to why I am here.

It is not about the money or the tips I received. It is also not about how much people will relate to my works nor how many will love how I write.

It is not even about getting new friends or interacting with strangers online.

The truth is I am here for myself. I am here to go on a journey for my own on my own.

It is so easy to get lost onto the many things that I received here that I have almost forgotten why I am here.

Sure. I enjoyed interactig with everyone. Having new friends in the virtual world is fun. It made me feel like I belong. Receiving support in anyway makes me feel validated.

But that is exactly why I lost sight of my reason for starting here. I once again fell back to unhealthy habits of getting validation from others.

My self-love started to feel more like doing things for attention. I started to care more for numbers than myself.

The thing about being on a self-love journey is that it is never going to be easy. There will be times when I am happy but feel like I am pretending. Times when I look into the mirror and feel like I am lying when I tell my reflection that she is worth it.

There will be times when I cannot be my best self. Times when my insecurities get out of hand and start to consume me again.

This is what was happening to me the past few weeks. I am challenging the insecurities I am feeling instead of devolving into self-pity.

I am not a victim of circumstance.

I tell that to myself everytime I feel jealous of others.

Jealousy is not a pretty word for me. It brings up a bad taste in my mouth and makes me feel worse.

There are times when I feel so bad about feeling it that I could not even sleep. But I am learning.

I am learning that every emotions exist for a reason. They are not just there to make me feel bad just for nothing. They are telling me something and I should not ignore the signs they give me.

I feel jealous. That is an uncomfortable fact to admit. But one that I must be honest about.

Seeing other crocheters get recognition while my posts barely has any interaction made me doubt myself. Seeing beginner crafters like me get attention and praise made me feel invisible.

I begrudge their happiness. I wanted to rain on their parade.

I sank into dismissing what they receive for something as luck, or connections. Anything that will invalidate their success, I grasp to it desperately.

Yes, that is a sad thing to read, even sadder to be the one experiencing it.

I am afraid to post it here. But this is where I promised to partake in my own self-love journey. It is not meant to be pretty or full of positivity always. It was just meant to be me.

I am tired of trying to hide my "bad" side. Tired of denying a part of me. I no longer wish to bury the unpleasant parts of me.

I now wish to give them the attention they deserve so that I may know how to be a better version if myself.

They said that you never know yourself if you have not faced your dark side, and I agree.

I am embarking on a self-love journey and sooner or later, I will come across my inner hell. The hell I created inside myself because I wanted to present the perfect mask to the world.

The dark parts I buried before did not disappear, they linger and they grew. The accumulate to form their own place inside of me.

The things I refuse to show the world are slowly killing me.

So I admit it. I am jealous.

I compared myself to others. I criticized their works. Tear it apart piece by piece in my own mind. I tried to find some semblance of satisfaction by doing that.

I started to ignore others' successes. I did not celebrate with them. Their achievements are nothing but luck is my acidic thoughts.

Yes, it looks bad. It is worse when you are the one thinking it.

Do I still feel that way?

To be honest, I do. This is why I am not interacting with anyone as much.

It is no one else's faults. The sweet advices you will give will not mean much to me. Not right now. Not when I am like this.

It is natural to feel jealous. What is making me feel worse is that I am not inspired by it.

It is triggering my insecurities.

I do not want to pretend otherwise. So forgive me for not interacting. For posting only and upvoting things.

For not sparing the time to think of a reply.

I appreciate all of you. I really do.

But right now, I am not in the best place to show that.

So for now, I will keep this bitter pill in my mouth. Let its taste permeate my senses, maybe then I will find inspiration to seeing you succeed again. Maybe then, I will find the strength to applaud you again. Maybe then, I will be okay again.

Please do not misunderstand. I am not denying you of your successes and achievements. They are yours and well-deserved.

But what I feel is something I cannot help. Logically I know we all work hard, we all do our best. So please do not try to explain thqt your achievements are something you worked for. I already know that.

My feelings do not invalidate your achievements. What I feel has nothing to do with anyone but me.

I still need to process these feelings though, not just logically explain it away.

I am sure that someone will understand. Maybe you will not leave any trace that you do, but I know there is someone who will understand.

Once you read this, please know that you cannot help but you have the choice of how to react. Wil you wallow in self pity or work on your insecurity?

For me, I choose to work on my insecurity. So that will be what I will be doing for now.