Too exhausted! Do I deserved this?

I am too exhausted 😭 Do I deserved this? Been so drained this past few days , nahh..not past few days but months. Even if I want to breath and relax , how can I do that. Earlier I was too tired , cleaning the house , cooking our food and taking good care of the kids.

While I am cleaning the house I shouted , I am too exhausted! Do I deserved this? Then my husband laugh at me. I was so tired. It's been twelve in the afternoon and still I am cleaning the house. I was exhausted to the point that I already pour a water on my head while I am brushing the floor in the dogs area.

It seems that I am joking but I am truly tired of everything. I don't have a problem with myself but the people around me have it and I am the one who suffered now. How to be selfish anyway? I don't know how to be like that.

It's 2 PM in the afternoon when we finished to shower. I asked my husband if he can look after the kids because I will cook some of the potato balls. I need to cook it because the ham will be spoiled because it was bought earlier. I told him not to make the kids asleep because I am the one who will do it and because I need to write an article when they asleep. You know , that's the only time I am free to do some stuff.

While I'm cooking potato balls I checked the room but it was locked. I thought the kids are playing but I'm wrong. They are asleep and I was annoyed because my husband allowed the kids to sleep. Here's our conversation. I make it in Filipino .

Bakit mo naman hinayaan matulog? Sabi ko ako magpapatulog e.

E nakatulog sila ng kusa . Ano magagawa ko.

Siguro pinahiga mo na kaya mga natulog.

E paano gagawin nila e naglalaro nag aaway lang.

Konting oras lang naman hinihingi ko diba? Lutuin ko lang yung potato balls.

Edi gigisingin ko , tapos patulugin mo ulit.

Sa tingin mo kapag nagising yan matutulog ulit?

E ano ba kasi problema kung natulog na.

Alam mo naman kapag tulog sila doon ako nagsusulat at nagpapahinga diba.

Then he woke up my son and my niece.

Gumising kayo. Tara sa labas maglilibot tayo.

I shouted , why he woke up the kids then I exploded. I throw the cellphone in the bed and asked him if he didn't understand me. I am only asking for a little time to make the kids not to fall asleep but he didn't. Before I leave the room and go to the kitchen my husband was watching a movie and wearing an earphone. Maybe he didn't noticed that the kids were already sleeping.

Then he went to the Sala and whispering claiming that it was his fault but in a sarcastic way. I heard also that he was hitting or punching something. It was my free time that time but I no longer have the courage to write and I have no topic as well because of what happened. I just feel like I am numb and I want want to hit my head in the wall.

Please tell me. Am I wrong? Maybe I am wrong because I am hot tempered that time. I am in the good mood before it happened. I am cooking some potato balls and I want him to taste it after I cooked it. Then that incident happened.

Because of lot of stress, I am always hot tempered. I am always not in the mood. I don't know if I'm still okay. I am having a hard time because of this. You know the feeling that seems no one understand you. Even if you want to be positive , it's not easy.

I'm a too exhausted but they didn't know that. I'm am too exhausted but I never complained to them. I'm a too exhausted and I just want even a little rest but nothing. Everyday same cycle. Everyday I tried to be okay. Everyday I said to myself that I can but the truth is I don't really know if how long can I stand. I don't want this kind of feeling. I don't want that time will come that I will choose to give up on everything.

I apologized for being so dramatic. It's just that my feelings is so heavy.

After an h0ur..

I went to the Sala and hug my husband. I hug him without a single word coming to my mouth. I just hug him while crying. He hugged me back and said sorry. I still didn't talk just crying. He wiped my tears and said

I thought you will write an article?

How can I write now after what happened?

We went to the bedroom and take a nap for a minute while hugging each other. We woke up because pur son woke up already and then we ate the potato balls.

Thank you for reading . God bless.