"I'm sorry My Child"

"Mother's Guilt"

As i read miss @kat2x article, i am somewhat feeling gulped by mem'ries back during my childhood.

I was adopted by my uncle whom i called Papa when i became familiar with my first steps. Together with her wife they brought me in the city and raised me as their only daughter. They are very strict to me specially my step mom. When i accomplished something incorrectly i will be squeezed by my stepmom. My dad is strict but in a way that i regard him. He doesn't just lift his hands without valid reason. Its the best attitude i admire from him the most. He likes to tell me stories about his difficulties in his childhood and he said he doesn't want it to happen to me.

As i grew older, my stepmoms negative attitude towards me marked deep in my mind and the way she diciplinined me taints the memories of my dads good attitude in my heart. I can't move freely because of her. She dictates me as if a 'm a slave and treats me badly. I need to follow everything she says even the clothes i wear the amount of food i' m going to eat. Even playing outside she didn't allow. So whenever i'm in school, i spread my wings and enjoyed playing with my classmates and resulting to beatings again because i came home late and with my clothes a lil bit dirty. 😏When dad is around i felt like i was rebolted out from jail. Perhaps you wonder why i didn't tell my dad whats her wife is doing towards me. Well, i can't. I feared that if dad will leave for work again, my stepmom will rebuff me for doing it. 😔

My father is a private small-scaled gold miner so it takes 3 months and more for him to be with us since they remained in their worksite for a considerable length of time and simply return home if they they mined a little and collected their reward for all the hard work and offered it to gold purchasers. So I am left alone with my stepmom. What's more, it makes me frightened regularly of my life. At the point when I accomplished something she didn't like for i'll recieve beatings from her.

Fast forward, When I got married, and had kids, I accidentally being brought back by my thoughts to my youth days with less fun, brimming with dread, and disdain in my heart. I don't need my kids to endure as I did. I needed to pour my adoration to them however in certain conditions I needed to train them and need to lift my hand and beat them. I'm being severe with them yet not to the point that they feel like I have a tight grip in their throat. I gave them opportunity to pick and choose what they need however offering feedbacks to their decisions. Along with my husband, we gave them what they need. Spoil them sometimes in a while and assembled a relationship wherein they will not be aloof to us.

There are bad times that when i'm in a bad mood i became harsh and shout at them. I even punched my 8yrs old son in his shoulder when he did something very bad but when i see his scared reaction after that, i came back to my senses and hugged him tight and say am sorry my child and i cried.

When one time my daughter answered back at me when i scolded her, i suddenly slapped her. One more time i cried and ask her an apology. It did good because she never answered me back again. But i fear that she might be distant to me so i talked to her from time to time and explained to her why i did such harsh action is for them to be disciplined. It hurts really seeing my childrens' face with fear when i hurt them. I wanted to gain respect from them and obey us and not just to following orders because of fear.

Fortunately, my husband and i are having good times with my children. We can bump our elbows, say some sarcastic words with each other and they can even correct us when they think we are wrong. We are like close friends that enjoys telling stories from each others activities from school and from their experience with their peers. They even throwing jokes to one another with us which all of this present experience i didn't feel when i was once a child. When i am with them, i feel a new childhood brought to life.

Ms @kat2x experience as a mom with guilt is normal because we are normal mothers also. And about grandparents who spoils their grandchildren, i saw a lot of that in our place... They are even more closer to our children than we do. They spoil them and sometimes cause trouble when they interfere with our way of disciplining our own kids. Its annoying but i think its juzt like that. I've no parents who questions me because dad passed away already. And my stepmom prefer to babysit her nieces' daughters that my kids😏. But i have a grandma.. So i feel what @kat2x feels.

"I'm a mom and I do all my best I and give what I can afford to give my children. The most important thing is that I establish love among them siblings and for us as parents, is full respect as they grow. Soon they will build great respect for me, for sure same with other people." I like this part of the authors end msg.

So do I. I love them that i want to give them everything i can afford if its for their own good.

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@z_graeden

@Arnavaria

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