Pains in the dark

Dear pastor, you lied.

You told me to read my Psalms daily

After several occasions of being terribly mal-treated by my angry husband, I would run to you. Only for you tell me "Sister Grace it is well. Be prayerful and do not seize to recite your Psalms on a daily"

Each time i explained to your wife and show her the traces of bruises, maps and marks my husband left on my body, she kept on saying to me THE LORD IS YOUR STRENGTH SISTER GRACE.

"The lord is your strength' became a consistent anthem to my ears. Those were not the words I had always expected but I held on to it because you made me believe in those words.

At some point I felt this was a harmonized consentment between yourselfs and my husband, I felt you never allowed me to voice my pain out to the whole church, because he is one of your favorite member in church.

Why? He's one of your best financial partner and top contributor in church projects.

You were scared of losing your partnership with him.

You never cared about my pain.

You never cared about the bruises and scars that was maped on my fragile body.

Your family, my husband made me feel like no one loved me. But the book of psalms was my favorite because you instructed me not to cease from reading not less than five chapters everyday.

Each time I take a beating, I read my Psalms.

Each time I get a new scar, I read my Psalms again and gulp a bottle of anointing oil.

I remember the scar at the back of my head, he gave me that one scar as my birthday gift, because that day was my birthday.

Even when my folks and family members persuaded me to file a divorce, I told you about it but you rebuked me from talking about divorce.

"Where is your faith sister Grace, where is your faith?" Those where your words in quote.

I held on to the fear of loosing my marriage.

I would have left, I would have taken my heart with me, because it was all I had. I was more than enough to love myself.

But pastor, you said NO. "The lord is against divorce"

I remember my momma and sisters asking me to run for my life, but I said NO.

Why? Why did I say no?

Because you made me believe that reading the book of psalms alone would change my husband, and bring him back to the loving man he used to be when I first met him. The man who would always look into my eyes and tell me how beautiful and amazing i was.

I remember the most adorable thing he once told me

"Whenever you reach out for me, I'll do all that I can, because you're my lady, and I'm your man" Those words never erased from my heart.

But my man suddenly changed from being my best friend to becoming a beást.

I guess by now, you're aware that your top contributor in church has bruised my head against the wall again.

Dear pastor, I thought of writing to you from the gráve where my patience has led me to. I hope you get my message.

I have taken my déad heart with me to the gravè where I can no longer read the book of psalms.

My heart is all I have now.

At least no one can cause me more pains here.

My last wish. Take my kids away and take care of them. I wish they know that mama loves them so much.

I rest ín peace