The Depressing Reality of Being a Breadwinner

Being the family's primary provider, one thing that brings me joy is meeting all of our needs.

Yet I will admit that there have been days when I've felt poor and alone. I don't always have money, and I don't always have enough.

So now comes the most depressing aspect of being the main provider.

The blame is always yours.

One thing that really tears my heart is how they always make me feel guilty about the things we lack, especially when it comes to money. It seems entirely my fault that they are struggling and are unable to purchase the goods they require and desire. There are times when I feel as though they are ignoring me. The responsibility is always mine, and it stings to feel like they only recognize you when you give them everything, but if you have nothing, they will never realize how valuable you are.

No Time to Rest

Due to the fact that I am constantly being blamed, it feels like I have no right to rest, regardless of how ill or fatigued I am. This sense of inadequacy is incredibly distressing. Even if I'd like to sleep and rest for as long as I'd like, I'm unable to. I currently have a fever, but I have bills that are due soon, so I have to work. In addition, my parents' medication needs to be maintained, so I have to work and hustle hard right now and sleep late.

No Time for Emotional Breakdown

In addition to not having time to rest, I also don't have time to be depressed or cry because doing so will cause me to lose my composure and my perspective. Hence, I must move past all of my heavy emotions and keep moving forward, even when it is difficult. I must continue working all day, even though I am in distress.

And I felt bad for myself every time someone asked me, "When will you choose yourself?”

Every time someone asks me this question, I cry silently and it breaks my heart because I see other people my age already having their own families. They were enjoying their 20s to the fullest and were at their happiest.

So now I am asking myself, is being a breadwinner a good thing? Alternatively, it may simply make you feel burdened by everyone else's obligations and responsibilities for all of their shortcomings.

I apologize for my rants because today I was feeling down. Of course, these kinds of days will pass, and I'm still holding out hope for brighter times ahead. I know that my recent emotional outbursts are simply a result of my feeling unwanted and appreciated.

I apologize for my ranting, but today I was feeling down. Of course, these kinds of days will pass, but I'm still holding out hope for brighter times ahead. I know that my recent emotional outbursts are simply a result of my feeling wan and appreciated.

But, I  know that eventually, their happiness will still be my happiness. They are still the reason for my motivation to work and the part of my life I cannot turn my back away from.

Just that I wish God would bless me more so that I might bless others too. I'd like to have more so I can do and help more.

Here is a photo of me smiling despite my suffering and battling on.

 Good evening everyone! It’s been days since I posted here, how’s everyone?