My Insecurities

In my case I wouldn’t say “All guys are scum”. There are some good guys out there who really want to devote their time and love into someone. I’m a lovely person, someone with a good heart, but, I don’t trust anyone, not even my boyfriend. I get angry at almost everything. Impatience is my number one flaw. I’m not proud of being the way I am. I am willing to change. It’s just that people think I’m selfish, because I always want to be the only one.

I met this guy on 28th of April, but we started dating on May 18. He is a good guy. A loving one, someone who doesn’t just want his own growth but also his girlfriend’s growth. He is not egocentric. He introduced me to everything he does that brings him money. He loved and cared for me. He showers me with gifts too. I also was a great girlfriend before I started feeling so insecure. I’ve never cheated on this guy. I mean, I never knew I would be so devoted in this relationship as it was my first serious relationship. I have always been a strong-headed girl right from high school days. I never liked guys, because I thought they were all the same. I see the way my brothers changed girlfriends, I see the way my sister get so loved up and ended up leaving her boyfriend whom I thought would be her future husband. I just never saw true love among the people closest to me. I mean, I always say to my high school friends that I would keep my virginity because no one deserves it. Lol!
This guy made me know true love exist. Until a certain day when I saw videos of him with his ex. He made me understand it was nothing and promised not to go back to her. He never went back to her, but that particular day or video never left my head. Everyday we have an argument, I bring that day up. I never let go.

I find myself checking his phones. I don’t know how I made that my hobby lately. It doesn’t just go well whenever you check your guy’s phone. You just end up meeting things you know you would meet. This time he wasn’t cheating. This time it is either he tells someone he isn’t in a serious relationship, or he compliment ladies pictures. I just never found these stuffs as being normal. I just want it to be me alone. This same day he complimented someone else’s picture I posted myself and he just viewed and pass. At the end of this arguments, I see myself as the bad guy, the crazy one, and toxic one. I’m just scared to get dumped at the end of the day. I’m just scared to be like my brothers ex-girlfriends. I’m just scared to be like my sister who give her whole heart to a guy but still don’t get the love back. I’m just scared to be like mom, who always say she doesn’t have a husband but a father to her children. All I want is just pure love. All I want is someone who would love me without me being scared about anything, or thinking there is someone else, but is it possible?

He is a good guy that doesn’t like stress. He want peace, but I think I am the dramatic one. The fact that I’m always creating an argument that I can’t finish is my problem. I end up lightening the fire that I can’t control. At the end of the day, I get blamed for my insecurities. I just want to be me. I just want my insecurities to go away. I just want to be happy and I want to feel whole again. I don’t think the relationship can work. I don’t think my happiness is based on it. I don’t think I can be the girl who would see wrong in something and ignore. I don’t think everything is worth it.

Insecurities ruin relationships. Wanting to be the only one wouldn’t do you any good. Dwelling on the past too isn’t a good thing to do in a relationship. You have to let go. Trust is an important factor. Learn to trust your partner. That way you can have a healthy relationship.