Lazy didn't recover

April 18, 2022

Tonight I will be writing with a heavy heart. It is officially one week after Lazy (one of my dogs) didn't want to eat anything.

I have mentioned her already in my previous article I'm preoccupied and Loving with condition.

Tomorrow actually is her five months with us already but she didn't make it.

Besides the external factor that has made some parts of her face and back loss hairs and get wounded, she also had colds, stuffy nose and phlegm in her throat.

I thought those were the reasons why she loss her appetite. Knowing that we can't afford to go on a check up with the veterenarian, we insisted to make her drink some fluids. However she really refuses even if we forcely open her mouth and drink some water.

Although it is given that she lost her weight so much and she lacks physical activities within that week. Still I am proud she fought so hard, imagine how she was that strong to last a week without eating or drinking enough fluid in her body.

Yesterday night, I broke down already seeing how much she became so skinny and she find it hard to walk. She doesn't want to eat or drink no matter how many times I've tried. I was very emotional seeing her skipping meals for that long. I can't contain it anymore. I went to the comfort room and cried so hard. Praying for her healing and total recovery.

I miss our play time, our insisted arguments when they eat(they argue because they want to taste those foods in both bowls, they kept on exchanging positions while in fact the food are just the same haha), I miss our nap time, I miss her welcoming embrace and kisses, I miss how she barks, I miss her acting skills( silent cry for me to pity her), I miss her being playful and lively.

I didn't write yesterday because to be honest my attention is with Lazy. I searched for remedies that could help her get rid of the phlegm which everyone thought she was choking so they shoo her away but she's not. I was still hopeful that she will be fine soon but at the back of my head I can hear those other peoples laughers that wanted her to die.

As I was watching videos related to her case, I can't help but cry. Next thing I know, I already slept through the night with tears in the eyes.

Lazy's sweet gestures with me today

This morning lazy was in the care of my little sister whom I trust in feeding and helping me around with pets.

She managed to have lazy her fluid intake for the morning. Then when lazy and Silly saw me, they wag their tails excited for my presence. I greeted them good morning, caress their beautiful white coats and giggles with them before preparing our pets meal.

When we humans was eating our lunch, I suddenly felt someone made my foot her pillow. I saw Lazy was under the table and lovingly feeling my skin and I just let her because maybe that's how she was comfortable and can breath more knowing her stuffy nose.

I asked her to eat but she never did the whole day. After lunch, Lazy managed to walk, she roames inside the house as if she was looking for something. She tried to sniff things but I guess she just can't smell them. She was constantly changing position but her movements were slow as she was weak already.

I invited her sit beside me on a bench outside to watch some chicken. She was responsive to sounds and her eyes were still focused. I let her drink again for her body to be at least, not dehydrated.

While we were there she changed position and hugged me. Like she laid on my lap. Then suddenly she was attempting to vomit, I put her down and she did vomit almost clear white sticky water with some sort of bubbles. Yesterday I remembered her vomitted twice too but it was really foamy yellow colored fuild. After a while I let her rest again. She repeated her sweet gesture of laying down her body to mine.

At five in the afternoon I suddenly felt super sleepy and slept for almost an hour. When I rose from bed after waking up, Lazy and Silly greeted me again with wagging tails, silly was like standing already to reach me from the stairs of double deck. I noticed lazy was moving her tail but she can't even move her head while laying down on the floor.

I checked her and let her drink again. She was breathing fine but she just kept on drolling and can't move her head. I saw her eyes was slightly staring blank, her hands and feet were cold and pale.

I brought her near the door for her to see some other dogs playing and to inhale some air.

Dinner time I don't want to eat already witnessing lazy's situation but I still ate a little because big brother will be mad. After everyone's finish eating, I immediately went to Lazy.

I can smell our late "Tubby's" smell already with Lazy's. I can smell some blood plus her saliva have odor already. I saw ants biting her eyes already and removed them as fast as I could. I can hear her small voice but I guess her body was numb with the pain already.

I went to the room after, I was keeping the pain inside because some people will again call me crazy if I cry over a dog. My heart is in pain, I prayed to God and let go, let His will be done, and just help me be ready for whatever possibilities(for recovery or for Lazy's relief).

I then went to Lazy, saw that the bloody smell was from her uncontrolled pooping, I cleaned her butt and tail, held her hands, talked to her, said sorry to her, said I really love her so much but I don't want to be selfish anymore. I said if it was really painful and she's tired to fight already, it's fine. Mommy will always love her and will always remember her. She looked at me and I saw both her eyes are with tears. I stroke her hairs and after a while, she vomitted again, pooped blood. I saw everything she's been through, she fought with love. Right then and there she died, I was surprised I didn't shed even a single tear but I was left speechless. Big brother prepared where she will be buried, I still managed to carry her the last time. I cried at burial then I stopped because I kept repeating that Lazy is happy now, she maybe playing with little tubby now, without pain. I controlled my emotions, I thought I can until mama visited us tonight. I was reminded how her partner made fun of my pets, smirks wishing them dead, said that even if I sell my puppies out, no one will buy them even if its P100 or $2. I went to my bed and cried so hard. Again I was rebuked angrily that I should stop crying and I should never be crying for a dog.

Tonight's realization

Love will never be enough. Life is a balance of everything, we need money to eat, medicate, study, commute almost in everything. Imagine the world if only love can heal?

Parenting/pet-parenting is a privilege. You never asked for it but it happened. You can't make them stay by your side forever so make beautiful moments and love one another.

People are made different. Sometimes it's not our fault that some people don't have the same humanity and compassion as you have.

Loving is a beautiful feeling but it comes with welcoming pain for possibilities. It's just harder sometimes because we held on so thight that they will never leave us.

Part of moving on is feeling all the negative emotions, until you get numb then you will be left with no choice but to be strong and fight back.