As a relationship blossoms, so does the possibility for conflict. People, especially in the beginning, will disagree, get frustrated and feel misunderstood. This chapter aims to discuss the importance of addressing conflict in a healthy way, understand the factors, that influence interpersonal conflict and explore techniques, that can be used to take a collaborative approach to tackling challenges in relationships. Once again, it's important to realize, that conflict can be a good thing as long as you're addressing it in a healthy way.
The Importance Of Conflicts
Conflict is a natural part of most healthy relationships. Without conflicts, there can be no progress. With every positive step forward, there will be some negative (and sometimes unexpected) backlash. This is true of all types of relationships, not just intimate partners. When conflict is healthy, it's as simple as one person expressing a desire and then another person expressing a disagreement.
Maybe the first person feels bad about how they expressed and attempts to reconcile the situation with their partner. Maybe the second person feels understood and the situation is resolved just by them accepting the other person's point of view. So maybe it's a good thing, that conflicts in a relationship is inevitable and in fact necessary. So maybe we can all just take a deep breath and relax.
The Key To Conflicts In Intimate Relationships
Conflict doesn't always need to be so dramatic. Most conflicts can be resolved in a more positive way when you know how. Here are some factors, that can influence how conflict is handled in a relationship:
The way in which we approach conflict is heavily influenced by our past experiences and the way we were taught how to resolve conflict in our primary relationships. Most of us have several childhood memories of having a primary relationship in which conflict was heavily discouraged. This type of training leads people to believe, that conflict leads to serious problems.
It might lead to physical fights, yelling, and screaming, but it also might lead to not speaking for weeks and that's not a good way to handle conflict! Also, conflict has to do with different perspectives and ideas. Not all of these are going to be positive and not all of them are "right". So the next time you're about to get frustrated by something your partner says or does, take a second to remember, that they are probably coming from a different place, than you are.
Addressing The Conflict
When conflict does arise, there are a few general ways, that it can be approached:
Blaming: The first and generally least healthy way to approach conflict is to blame. Blaming someone means you're not actually addressing the problem, you're just making a statement about what is wrong with the other person. This is a quick way to feel better about a conflict, but it doesn't really address the issue and it makes reconciliation nearly impossible, because you can't trust that the other person isn't also blaming you for something.
Avoiding: Another approach is to avoid the conflict. This can be done by withdrawing and not speaking to your partner and possibly even shutting the other person out of your life altogether. This might seem like a good idea at first, but it isn't healthy in the long-term, because you are not addressing the conflict and it is only going to fester. The other person might not directly confront you about it, but they are probably going to bring it up eventually, if only because it is eating them up inside.
Trying To Get Your Partner's Side: The third way is to attempt to get your partner's side of the conflict. This can be done by asking them questions and seeking out information about what is bothering them. While this is a good start, it isn't going to be successful if you aren't going into this with the right mindset. Making an effort to see things from your partner's perspective is difficult and it isn't always easy, but it can help you get a better understanding of why they are doing the things they are doing and why these things are bothering them.
Working On The Conflict: The last way is to actually address the conflict. Be careful, if you get angry and yell, scream, etc. at your partner, it isn't going to be effective in most conflicts and is only going to lead to failure. Asking questions and getting your partner's side is still the best way to go about this. Try to ask questions, that will get them to elaborate on their issues. If you are attempting to work on the conflict with your partner, make sure you do it in a way, that you are both comfortable with. If your partner isn't comfortable with you getting angry and yelling, then it's probably not going to lead to a positive solution. This is just going to lead to one of you getting really frustrated and more likely to give up, than reaching a successful conclusion.
It is important, that you stay solution-oriented when addressing the conflict. Asking your partner to change certain things about them is not going to lead to a positive outcome. You need to find a way to work with them on this and not let the conflict get in the way.
The Proactive Way To Dealing With Conflict
The key to successfully resolving conflicts in your intimate relationships is to keep the focus on the other person. Having a positive outcome to a conflict doesn't just benefit you, it benefits the other person too. If you can change the way your partner feels about an issue, they are more likely to work with you on it in the future.
Conflicts often happen, when there are two or more parties, that have differing needs, desires, or goals. All of these things and more must be taken into consideration, when planning a move that is going to end the conflict and bring the parties closer together.
While it is important to keep the other person in mind, make sure you take the time to think about how you can best meet your own needs as well.
Here are a few things you should keep in mind, when working on an issue:
Know Your Partner's Needs: It's important to know what your partner's needs in a relationship. If you don't know what their goals are, you're going to have a hard time meeting their needs. The more you two communicate about this, the easier it will be to meet each other's needs. How well you know each other will also dictate how well you can work out an issue.
Be Proactive: When you're able to identify your partner's needs, it's time to be proactive about meeting them. This can involve you taking steps to make your partner happy. It can also involve changing the way you do things to better meet their needs.
Avoiding Conflict: Sometimes conflict can still occur even when you are trying to meet your partner's needs. This usually happens when their needs are not being met, but you don't do anything different to meet them. This can create a cycle, where one person's needs are being met, while the other person's are not. When conflict seems unavoidable, you need to find a way, how you can reduce the damage it is going to cause.
Ending The Issue: If you and your partner are able to come to an agreement on how you are both going to meet one another's needs, the conflict is going to be resolved. This can be done by one of you taking the first step to meet the other person's needs. This could be you doing something for your partner or they doing something for you.
Strategy: One of the best ways to end an issue is to make a deal. Making deals can be difficult, but it is often very effective.
Going For The Extended Deal: If you think your partner is going to cave in to your demands, try making an extended deal. Instead of just meeting their needs, you could have them meet a list of your needs or do a favor for you in the future in exchange for you meeting their needs. This way you both have something to trade for and hopefully, that extended deal will be enough to convince your partner to let you meet their needs.
Warnings: Be very careful when dealing with conflicts. If you push your partner too far, they could get angry and not give in at all. This could lead to more problems, than what you were trying to avoid and it could also destroy any relationship you had built up with them.
If you push them too far and they really get angry, you could end up with a significantly weaker relationship. It is always better to have a strong relationship even if you don't have to bend over backwards to keep it. Still, if you are able to work something out, the relationship will become much stronger.
Conflict is normal to all relationships it means you are growing together. You just need to focus on finding a solution than blaming your partner. You're right to focus on the person, not on the problem.