Cry and I Cry Alone
Anhyeong!
One of my goals this year is to at least read 10 or 15 articles this year. I started it yesterday and was able to read 12 articles. However, I have been slacking today. Not because I want to but because my body feels so weak. The muscles in my legs and arms are stiff. I have taken my meds but I still feel the same. It has been like this for 2 days, and I am getting worried. I am also having difficulty breathing for 3 consecutive days especially at night. I thought it was because of the cold weather so I didn't mind it that much. This is what the doctor told me before, that my condition will worsen as time goes by. Since the only thing that the medicines can do are to relieve my symptoms. Myasthenia gravis has no cure. I have to deal with this forever and I am hoping to live longer.
You have to take care of your body. If your health deteriorates, you won't be able to walk because your muscles will stiffed. All the muscles in your body will stiffed including the muscles in your respiratory system. Most people who have Myasthenia gravis died because their lungs were paralyzed.
That's what my doctor told me before. And I accepted it because I have no other choice and I thought I am okay with it. I have been dealing with this for months now and I thought I am now used to it. I thought I am okay...but why do I feel like this. I am scared... Scared of the thought that I might die any moment. I thought I am okay, that I have already accepted my faith, until now..
I didn't say anything about it to my husband. I don't want to be a burden to him. He noticed that I cannot walk up straight earlier and asked me if I'm okay. I just told him that I am fine. That it was just a simple muscle cramp, but it was not.
Now, while I was typing this, my tears are flowing in both cheeks. My daughter is taking a bath while my husband went to the pharmacy to buy my medicine. So I am taking this opportunity to cry my heart out. I am not okay.. I am not okay.. Oh God help me.....
Sorry if I post it here. This is the only place that I could say whatever I want without my family knowing it. I can't post it on Facebook either because they will surely know. As I said, I don't want to be a burden to them.
Last night, I dreamt of something weird and scary. In my dream, I was in a wake. I saw my family, my mom, sisters, daughter, and my husband. I was asking them who died but nobody seems to noticed me. So I walk up straight to the coffin to see who's inside and to my horror, I saw myself. I am inside the coffin. I am dead! And I was so scared. I screamed and screamed until I woke up. Maybe that is the reason why I feel like this.
I am sorry guys, for sharing my sentiments here.
Hala madamsssss, wag mo sarilinin ang nararamdaman no ipaalam mo yan sa family mo wag mo solohin at baka naman mag breakdown ka ng malala. And don't mind that dreams of yours you'll live forever and maeenjoy pa ng mga mata mo ang mga afam na darating sa earth. So fighting madams. We're here for you naman remember that 🥰🥰🤗😘