It's Different For Everyone.

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A relationship is different for everyone and I understand why so many people have reservations about it. There is no point forcing anyone into marriage when they are not ready. There are many reasons why many might not be ready and either they are not mentally ready, physically ready or financially ready. Some even make sure they are socially and spiritually ready and that's not a crime. Some have genuine reasons why they are not but some are just waiting for another person to come along while wasting another person's time.

There was this story I heard many years ago about a lady that has been dating this guy for around 3 years or so and his thoughts had always been that it would lead to marriage so he vested his energy and everything into the relationship to make himself the best for the lady in question. The shocking thing is, every time he brings up the topic of marriage she would brush it aside and avoid it. It's easier to think she wasn't ready.

This story goes both ways really but the bottom line is, marriage isn't something you just dabble into and leave to chance. There is something about being intentional about it and it takes extra caution and determination if you don't want to end up in the wrong hands. There is an adage that says: "If you can't handle the heat, leave the kitchen" - Anonymous. Well, these days, we have AC in the kitchen 🤣🤣🤣🤣😂. So, if you can't handle the heat, you can as well take the extra effort of making sure your apartment is well ventilated and fully conditioned.

Back to the story... She would always brush it aside and this confused the guy due to the mixed reactions regarding this. He finally got his answer when he got to know that he was just the stand-in boyfriend. In as much as we have some guys that are a disgrace to the XY chromosomes, we have some cold-blooded ladies too. If she didn't say anything about the marriage then we could have said maybe she is scared or probably she had a terrible experience while growing up based on what she has seen or heard. Sometimes, what we see affects us subconsciously and we start mirroring it.

Guys, sometimes, because a girl reject your marriage proposal doesn't mean she doesn't want to marry you, sometimes it means she is not mentally there yet because we feel pressure differently. Even as a guy, the moment your wedding date draws near, you will have those cold feet and ask yourself if you are making the right choice, sometimes but in this instance, regarding this story, she obviously didn't want this guy. She gave him different reasons which didn't tally and the moment I heard them, I knew she doesn't want this guy.

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She has told him many times that she isn't promising him a marriage and often she has said her parents won't accept him. The thing is, she might be right about her parents especially if you are from a family that would give you a stern warning not to date anyone from a particular tribe but the question is, why don't you cut them off early rather than waste 4 years of their lives or even more? In other instances, it could be a clear case of indirectly telling the guy he is not her kind of guy to settle down with but because she is scared of being alone, she would welcome the guy for the time being till the right person comes along.

Sometimes, guys need to read between the lines and stop getting too much into their feelings. I would say the same thing for the ladies as well. Use both your heart and your head. This lady has said it in different ways that she doesn't want to talk marriage and you know your vision or goals are not aligning, why even bother to wait that long? Hoping she would change her mind? This isn't a case of resilience and it would have been about resilience if you are trying to convince her parents or she is having a mental block about marriage which you feel would ease up with time. She goes out with you and for 4 years she couldn't make up her mind and you still don't think you are wasting your time???

It's better to have a painful breakup than to wait, hoping to catch the wind which is indeed a fruitless effort. I am currently watching a series "The Good Doctor" and there is a couple there whose vision isn't aligning. He wanted a baby but she doesn't want any. In as much as it pains both of them to break up, that's the best thing to do. The guy reached a compromise and told her he would be happy with adoption but the lady knew he would later resent her in the future so they both called it off. Painful, yes but it is necessary.

I like being objective and wouldn't take sides especially when I am discussing relationships. For the guy now, you have been dating her for 4 years and she wouldn't decide on marrying you, apart from her baggage and maybe the possibility of having another person, it shows you are also doing a terrible job in convincing her that you are the right person for her.

When we are in a relationship, we need to understand that other people's emotions are at stake too. Most of the time it is not about resilience but selfishness because you won't marry him and yet you won't let him go because of the benefits you are getting from him? It's not as though it is mutual. It is understandable if you both agree that you are not ready and you should see how things play out but it's not the same if you are leading the other person on when you clearly know what they want.

Let me stop right here...

Thank you for your time.