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What Is The Life Of Having A Mental Health Problem: When My Nightmare Starts.

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1 month ago
Topics: Pain, Awareness, Anxiety

"Happiness Is Not Existing"

The 4 words upside is real and yes it is existing. When you are suffering from mental illness, the happiness will not be existing for you even if you tried to be happy. But today..

This article will be my rantings.

A Happiness That I Am Looking For.

  • When I'm looking for happiness, I can't help it but to smile when I remember how lucky I was to be in this platform. And there it is again, it is where I can remember all of my achievements here specially in communicating to all of you.

A Suddenly Breakdown.

  • This is what scares me the most, if I'm having a breakdown I'm just crying and crying and crying like there's no tomorrow. My ears was close for listening to others, even to the person I love. I can't listen to them and all I can do is to agree and agree and agree even if I'm totally disagree. It's just that I don't have any energy left in my body and I feel weak. I'm just sad, I feel lonely and I feel the world was hated me for the unknown reason.

A Miserable Mindset.

  • I have this mindset who hates cheering me up, if I'm happy I hate me, if I'm said I also hate me. I don't know why and I don't know the correct answer.

Actually, sometimes I think of hurting myself just because of what I feel. I think of hurting myself because I don't know what to do and I don't have any idea what will I do.

Having A Hard Time To Sleep.

  • My anxiety this week was attacking me for almost 3 days straight, miserable right? Sometimes, I think of that there is something wrong with me. And yes, there is really wrong with me. My mood was changing faster than I thought, right now I was happy then minutes later I'm totally not and then hours and minutes later I am happy again. This is where I think of killing myself even if its bad.

This suicidal mind of mine was active again. Hate it :).

I Totally sleep like 3-4 hrs a day or worst it's just 2hrs per day. I can't barely concentrate and this one is already killing me. I know and I'm aware that this one is bad for health especially that I need to have a more rest for my body to recover because I was just done of my operation months ago but it was still hurt until now. Especially if I was really stress, its hurt and I don't know how to stop it.

Being Worried For Like 24/7.

  • Even if I am sleeping, this worries of mine don't want me to fall asleep. I'm always waking up every minutes and yes, it's changes my mood into becoming irrational sometimes. Not sometimes but all the times.

I Can't Really Leave This Account.

  • This account was special to mine, here is where I post all of my rants, memories and other things that's happening to me. Nah, forget what I've said.

  • If I say byebye to this account, I'll make sure that it will be in the end of a month. Char, I just can't leave this 🥺 I love this account and I have a lot of memories here. I hope the earnings will back soon.

A Sudden Energy Lost.

  • I have this attitude where there are times that I am so cheerful, I am so happy, I am so energetic and then suddenly I'll regret all of them. I'm crazy, I know. But What can I do? I'm like this and I can't stop myself for being like this.


This Is Where My Nightmare Stats:

I am diagnosed with a major depression way back 2016, where my anxiety was really worst and bad, where my anxiety can't get under control by me. It's where I hurting myself that looks like that I'm crazy already. I'm fighting back to all the people who getting close to me and during this time all I can think of is to kill myself and not to believe in every words I hear.

And that's when my nightmare starts,

There are times during at night that I go out and looking myself a home. Although I can't barely remember if who I am and where I'm going to. Its looks like that I'm having a bad dream where I want to woke up and where I want to hug myself. But no, all of that wasn't a dream.

It was around 4am last october 16, 2016 and yes I can still remember the date. I go out to my house because I am looking for a random strangers home which is a home for me, actually for me it's not me anymore. This is where I experienced that I have 2 sides. The real me and the other me who I didn't know, and that's where I start calling myself "Rylle".

Who is Rylle?

Rylle is someone who doesn't exist but existing inside me. She doesn't live in this world but only in my imagination, Rylle was the cheerful, happiest and the bold one. While me, the real me was always serious, I'm also cheerful, and playful but it didn't last longer. But whenever that I feel that I am no longer me, the happiness inside me was totally filled-up like I have no problem at all. But when I woke up, it is something that I'm missing my half again. And I am looking about what it is or who it was.

I undergo my treatment where there are a Psychologist asking me a random question and talking to me directly. I undergo for almost a month and I can't barely go to school after that.

When I'm a little bit okay, the other side of me was fading also. And there's where I didn't feel Rylle inside me again.

I don't know how I ended up became rylle, but there is one thing that I am sure.

"Because of my anxiety, I create someone in my head and in my hallucination, the person that is not existing".

10-13-21

Ps:: I still hate me.

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Topics: Pain, Awareness, Anxiety
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Comments

Think of more positive thoughts... kung ano kasi ang palagi nating iniisip, nagmamanifest. So fill your mind with positive thoughts every day. If it would help you, I post one motivational/ inspirational quote on Noise. I hope makakatulong sayo.

I think, naka interact na tayo sa noise.

Before I forget... always remember this... Mahal ka ng Diyos.

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1 month ago

You seem to think of so many negatives happening to you than positive. Be calm and thibk positively. If you think something worse is happening only to you , think it must be for your good. And do not get concerned deeply into something. Try to get involved in some hobby.

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1 month ago

I also have anxiety be and it keeps me awake at night. Pero di ko naisipan mag suicide or something. Laban lang tayo jan ano ka ba

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1 month ago

Hindi talaga maiwasan ang ma stress ako laging stress maraming iniisip na problema buti nalang talaga humahantong sa pagka depress mahirap na kapag ganon.. Mahirap labanan ang anxiety. Kaya dapat lagi nalang mag pray at libangin ang sarili para kahit papano malimutan natin yung nagpapa stress satin :)

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1 month ago

I hope that you can get through whatever you are going through right now.

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1 month ago

Being a stressfulness all time will get you damn under your own stress. I read your article. One thing that I can describe is . Being all time under depression will never solve your problem. You will got more tension instead of some rest. Always try to keep your mind relaxed. Unless we can loss our mental position. You also have explained it a lot time better than me

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1 month ago

Hala ka manang. Okay lang maging sad basta wag lang maging suicidal. I hope you are fine now. Cheer up!

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1 month ago

I can relate. Sobra. Depression, overthinking, stress, anxiety lahat lahat. I've thought of killing myself...pero natatakot akong mamatay. Djk hahaha. Haist, nakakatawa pero di masaya. Lalo na kung mag isa ka lang, alam mong mag isa ka lang? Dang. Laging basa unan ko sa gabi. Hahaha. Tapos ayun nagkaroon na ng komplikasyon puso ko. Djk. Like hirap huminga. Sumasakit din likod ko pagka inaatake na ako. Haist buhay nga naman parang life, yes. I don't know how to console you because I really don't know how. Gasgas na mga linyahan ng nakikisimpatya, hindi effective. Ganun pa din.

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1 month ago

I understand the pain. I had that too. I still hear the voices in my head. I act like it. This pain is unbearable. But only you can help yourself dear.

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1 month ago

Ganyan din ako e nadedepressed pero noa okay na ako pero medyo lang pero kahit paano gumaan naman na pakiramdam ko di ganon kasikip. siguro ang makakapag pagaling lang dyan is yung panginoon. Wag mo masyadong isipin yung mga problema mo at laging magdasal.

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1 month ago

Oo mare salamat talaga hah. Ang laki ng binibigay mo

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1 month ago

Hayss, those things are unbearable, yet you manage to overcome it by yourself. You really hang in there, everyone might not be able to understand and listen to you, but keep in mind that you are not alone. You have a great companion from above😌🙏

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1 month ago

Keep fighting girl! 😊 Don't think too much. Whatever you are doing, you are great. Always remember you are important. You are loved. Godbless! 😊

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1 month ago