The 4 words upside is real and yes it is existing. When you are suffering from mental illness, the happiness will not be existing for you even if you tried to be happy. But today..
This article will be my rantings.
When I'm looking for happiness, I can't help it but to smile when I remember how lucky I was to be in this platform. And there it is again, it is where I can remember all of my achievements here specially in communicating to all of you.
This is what scares me the most, if I'm having a breakdown I'm just crying and crying and crying like there's no tomorrow. My ears was close for listening to others, even to the person I love. I can't listen to them and all I can do is to agree and agree and agree even if I'm totally disagree. It's just that I don't have any energy left in my body and I feel weak. I'm just sad, I feel lonely and I feel the world was hated me for the unknown reason.
Actually, sometimes I think of hurting myself just because of what I feel. I think of hurting myself because I don't know what to do and I don't have any idea what will I do.
My anxiety this week was attacking me for almost 3 days straight, miserable right? Sometimes, I think of that there is something wrong with me. And yes, there is really wrong with me. My mood was changing faster than I thought, right now I was happy then minutes later I'm totally not and then hours and minutes later I am happy again. This is where I think of killing myself even if its bad.
This suicidal mind of mine was active again. Hate it :).
I Totally sleep like 3-4 hrs a day or worst it's just 2hrs per day. I can't barely concentrate and this one is already killing me. I know and I'm aware that this one is bad for health especially that I need to have a more rest for my body to recover because I was just done of my operation months ago but it was still hurt until now. Especially if I was really stress, its hurt and I don't know how to stop it.
Even if I am sleeping, this worries of mine don't want me to fall asleep. I'm always waking up every minutes and yes, it's changes my mood into becoming irrational sometimes. Not sometimes but all the times.
This account was special to mine, here is where I post all of my rants, memories and other things that's happening to me. Nah, forget what I've said.
If I say byebye to this account, I'll make sure that it will be in the end of a month. Char, I just can't leave this 🥺 I love this account and I have a lot of memories here. I hope the earnings will back soon.
I have this attitude where there are times that I am so cheerful, I am so happy, I am so energetic and then suddenly I'll regret all of them. I'm crazy, I know. But What can I do? I'm like this and I can't stop myself for being like this.
This Is Where My Nightmare Stats:
I am diagnosed with a major depression way back 2016, where my anxiety was really worst and bad, where my anxiety can't get under control by me. It's where I hurting myself that looks like that I'm crazy already. I'm fighting back to all the people who getting close to me and during this time all I can think of is to kill myself and not to believe in every words I hear.
And that's when my nightmare starts,
There are times during at night that I go out and looking myself a home. Although I can't barely remember if who I am and where I'm going to. Its looks like that I'm having a bad dream where I want to woke up and where I want to hug myself. But no, all of that wasn't a dream.
It was around 4am last october 16, 2016 and yes I can still remember the date. I go out to my house because I am looking for a random strangers home which is a home for me, actually for me it's not me anymore. This is where I experienced that I have 2 sides. The real me and the other me who I didn't know, and that's where I start calling myself "Rylle".
Rylle is someone who doesn't exist but existing inside me. She doesn't live in this world but only in my imagination, Rylle was the cheerful, happiest and the bold one. While me, the real me was always serious, I'm also cheerful, and playful but it didn't last longer. But whenever that I feel that I am no longer me, the happiness inside me was totally filled-up like I have no problem at all. But when I woke up, it is something that I'm missing my half again. And I am looking about what it is or who it was.
I undergo my treatment where there are a Psychologist asking me a random question and talking to me directly. I undergo for almost a month and I can't barely go to school after that.
When I'm a little bit okay, the other side of me was fading also. And there's where I didn't feel Rylle inside me again.
I don't know how I ended up became rylle, but there is one thing that I am sure.
"Because of my anxiety, I create someone in my head and in my hallucination, the person that is not existing".
Ps:: I still hate me.