I am doing this right now, actually I don't feel really good when it comes to my own thoughts just like thinking about things in this world. It only started when I left work, so many problems came to my mind and I didn't know where to start and where to leave. I don't tell my partner, that lately I've been having anxiety attacks because I don't want her to worry even though I know that's where my secret is going. Now I hope I don't have an article because I really want to sleep but I can't because I have to earn money. I need to be strong even for a moment, I need to pursue until I finish this.

With so many things troubling my mind, I don't know if this is right or wrong. I feel so useless, I feel so useless about things. I knew it was wrong, that it was so wrong to think like this but I couldn't stop it. There isn't a time, and a day that I don't ask myself if this is still right. I don't want to add to my partner's problems and expenses, I don't want to be a burden on my family. I often think, where am I going to get funding for everything? How do I tell my partner that I want to give up? How can I face her again with a smile on my lips? That I laugh without thinking? Because when I act, I feel that my act is very wrong.

I want to cry and tell her that I'm very lucky, I'm very lucky that despite the weight of my feelings and despite things, she's still there. She treats me like a baby when she knows I'm not okay, she pretends to be a baby himself every time he knows I'm not feeling well.

When she notices something that is not right in my behavior, she hugs me tightly and always asks how I am. She will ask me different questions that you think she is an investigator, so that she knows that I am okay and that I am not hiding anything. Sometimes I laugh at myself, in the motivational articles that I do to inspire others, it turns out that I am down despite everything. I'm the one who's losing hope, I'm the one who's struggling to stand up.

I feel like my article is too dramatic today, sorry I just vented out. It's very hard on my side, especially since I don't know what to do to start again, because since I started working, all my money and savings have been used for expenses everyday.

I hope that when this month ends, I will slowly be able to stand up again. Slowly I can start again and slowly I try again. It's funny that somehow, even when I'm down and confused about everything, I still manage to smile and be okay. I am about to enter hive, I hope that when I enter hive, it will also be one of those who will help me. I have too many goals and wishes this month, but then again. I will prioritize the things I need to spend and the things I need to pay so that I can somehow help. Because nowadays, especially if you don't have a job, it is very difficult to earn. I don't want to leave my job, but my health can't handle it and I'm very anemic.

I will not ask for too much, but to be successful and have a good future. Right now, I don't feel okay. But time will come, everything will be fine. I can laugh without a problem, I can smile without thinking, and most of all, I will be happy without forcing it. Right now, I'm focusing on my self improvement, especially being strong in the middle of the crisis.

Final Thoughts

The joy will come back to me, not yet but I hope so. I don't want to be negative. It's true that sometimes I was negative about everything, it's true that I cried once. It's true that sometimes I don't feel like I'm okay, right now the only thing I can do is help myself to be positive about everything. Aja!