I thought I'm fine.

February 3, 2022

I thought I'm healed the moment that I was given two months to sub a teacher. I thought that all of my insecurities, doubts and self-pity are all gone and would never come back. But I was wrong, they still creep in making their way to my heart and mind and poisoning me again.

Earlier a classmate of mine congratulated me on messenger because she just recently saw my name among the list of teachers who had substitute appointments. Later in our conversation, I learned that she was recently called and that she was tasked to prepared the necessary documents for the position. It was not clear whether it is a permanent position or not but based from my observation it is permanent already because my co-teacher from 51 talk was called just this week and was given the same instructions too.

I'm happy for the both of them however there is a part in my heart which cries in agony again and I'm battling again with self-worth, doubt and insecurity. This whole ranking process does not only drain my pocket but also it contributes to the deterioration of my mental health.

I am back again at asking God to come take over. To please hear my prayers. I'm back again at the thought that I'm not one of His favorites. I'm drowning with self-pity because no matter how hard I try, it seems like my hardwork is futile.

@Marinov told me to remain #unbothered and to relax but I just can't. Time is moving and my parents are ageing. I badly need to make them proud but but but the universe seems to hate me.

I know I have ranted about these same things a million times now and you might feel feed up already but bear with me because this platform is where I vent and it is keeping me sane. If not because of this, I am long gone at the streets. Maybe I'm a crazy woman now stressed about this issue.

A friend told me if I really want this. I stopped and contemplate. It makes sense. It seems like the more it is out of my reach, the more I badly want to achieve it. It is like a challenge.

She told me that maybe I was destined for something different and that I just failed to notice the signals. I answered, 'how can I see the signals when my vision is already clouded of what my dreams should be'.

At times, we get really disappointed because we are already imagining God handing us the gifts using the wrappers that we like.

All the time, He has better gifts in mind, wrapped in wrappers we never thought we would like.

*Good morning read-stars! ( Sis farmgirl, let me borrow your line). It is a bit gloomy in this side of the world with the feelings that I have now. Hoping that this will be the last time I would share about my frustrations regarding this ranking process.

Meanwhile, thank you for reading, until next time and may you have the day that you deserved.

*Lead Image is from Unsplash.com