almost a love story

Previously on my almost love story hahaha

I devised another plan to get his attention. I started chatting with him again asking him, "Where did I go wrong?" "What did I do to change your mind completely?" Haha.

I really sent him those same sentences but he only left them on seen. How can a person who claimed that they love you ignore you like a complete stranger? I was hurt. Deeply hurt. Sometimes I would send him random messages like 'how are you?', 'we have no classes today', 'what are you up to?'. But he still ignored me. I sent him sad quotes. I shared broken- hearted posts on my timeline so he could read some whenever he visits my timeline but still I never heard any reaction from him. I still continued chatting him everyday eventhough I got no reply from him, not even a period.

Until such time, Kevin got annoyed with me that he blocked me on Facebook and Messenger. Again, I was hurt. Another level of hurt. Pain and self- pity because I know in my heart I didn't deserve the things that happened to me.

I decided to pick myself up and love myself more by leaving him alone and not bothering him again. I spend most of my time focusing on my studies and having more time to spend with my roomates. I love to sleep at that time because when I'm asleep that is the time when I couldn't think of him and I wouldn't be tempted to send him a random message. My roommates would always find me asleep at 8:00 p.m. I stopped spending much time online because I would just be hurt staring at his 'active now' status. I slept my blues away.

I was slowly helping myself to move on and heal when my roommate noticed that I'm online on messenger when in fact she sees that I'm asleep in peace at my deck. She told me this which leads me to conclude that it was Kevin. He would open my account from time to time and I don't know the reason.

I had given him my facebook account back when we were just starting to feel that we have connection. Char! But he never gave me his account for the reason that he has group chats with his boy friends about boy things. What an alibi! But I accepted it back then. So, it is just him who knew my facebook account and he who can read my messages. And take note, we were not into an official relationship. That was how naive and gullible I was back then.

Knowing that he secretly opens my account, I was back again at begging. This time I used my friend's messenger because he blocked me on my account. I asked him why he would open my account but I got no answer. I constantly message him using my friend's account but I got no reply. Until again, he blocked my friend. Haha. He is the king of blockers.

Anyway, it didn't stop me from messaging him. I created multiple dummy accounts sending 'Hi' and 'Hello' messages from him. I didn't get enough. I know I should be walking away from him but all I did was to pick up stones and keep on beating it on my head. Along the process, I became desperate and toxic. I lose myself. I have nothing left for myself. I have never set aside even 10% of love for myself. I invested it all in him that when he walked away I never had a light to guide my way out of the tunnel. I was abondoned in darkness and I cannot find my way out.

I hated him for stopping by my life. For making me feel that he was into me. But I cannot blame him that much because it was me who didn't give him a chance to meet me at least once. That is his excuse. He keeps on painting it in my head. Programming it into my mind that it was my fault. Maybe, that is why I keep on running after him like a cat that is desperate to catch the mouse.

There would be days that I wanted to know about his whereabouts so I would stalk his younger sister or mother' facebook accounts but I can't find one. He is also not fond of sharing his life on social media so I can't find any news even when I use my other friend's account to stalk him.

Days have passed when I learned to cut myself some drama and move on. I would sleep with my headphones on listening to Christian songs. Though, I was still hurt. I never cried but my heart is shattered into pieces. I was like that for months.

Time heals all wounds. And God may have heard my aching heart. I still remember when everything was fine between me and Kevin, I asked God His guidance and wisdom. I asked Him to take Kevin away from me if he is really not for me. Indeed,our God is the god that answers prayers. He answered mine immediately. I was so confident for that prayer. If I only knew that Kevin would be taken away from me, I would not have that kind of prayer. God answered me in a so sudden way.

I have learned a lot of things from that experience. I learned it in a hard and painful way. Today, I could just laugh at all my actions that was powered mainly because of my being desperate.

-- I have learned to love myself more so I can love others correctly.

--I have learned to love 50/50. My mother keeps on reminding me this. 50 for your partner and 50 for yourself.

--Above all else, guard your heart. We just don't fall in love because we badly need a partner. We just don't rush into love because we feel like we run out of time. We just don't rush into love because we are lonely.

We date for a purpose.

'If you are not dating to marry, you are dating to get your heart broken.'

So, if you don't have plans to get married yet don't jump to the hole.

If you don't want to be heart-broken, don't jump to the whole either.

I am writing this for you to learn from me. Learn from other's experience. Learn from my experience. Don't try to experience and learn it in a hard way.

I have read that if you keep on jumping into failed relationships to another failed realtionships, you will never be the same because part of you will be left to your previous partners. And when the right person comes, you will not be able to fully give your whole because parts of you are already broken and pieces were already left to your previous partners. So save yourself for the best one.

I don't know if you would agree to that. I am also not telling that it is true.

Good afternoon read-friends! It's a rainy thursday afternoon here in my side of the country.😂 I was just reminded about Kevin because it was his birthday two days ago today! So Happy Birthday!

Thank you so much everyone! To my sponsors, upvoters, to the people who spent time to read and comment, you made my soul happy! Thank you heaps!

September 16, 2021

5:13 p.m. | thursday

Murakamii.7