Missing you

Nov. 9,Tuesday

Hello everyone How's your day? I hope you are all doing great.

"If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him. I play a song that would never ever end ,how I love to dance with my father again. Every night I fall asleep, this is all I ever dream."

This is a chorus from a song (Dance with my father) by Luther Vendross. Everytime I hear this song, I suddenly miss my papa, I cant help but to cry.

14 years to be exact. My papa need to go abroad sa paniniwalang baka maka ahon kami sa kahirapan, at mabigyan nya kami ng magandang buhay.

2007 Nung nakipagsapalaran siya mangibang bansa, tandang-tanda ko pa,nilalagnat ako noon at iyak ng iyak dahil ayoko pa na umalis siya,pero wala akong magawa sapagkat kailangan. I know how hard was that for him leaving us, hindi rin namin alam kung maka babalik pa ba siya. Super risky mangibang bansa, and I can say na swerte-swerte lang talaga.

At his first year in abroad, Papa can able to send us enough money for our basic needs and for our study as well, and everytime we get sick he is just like " one call away" and he can send directly some money to my mom, so my mother can buy medicine,for us to be get better again.

I can still remember the time na naglalakad kaming tatlo ng isa ko pang kapatid na babae,patungo sa tindahan para bumili ng lugaw para sa agahan namin,hawak namin yung magkabilang kamay ni papa,sabay kwento ng. "Pa pag nakapag abroad ka na, wish ko sa debut ko makapag suot ako ng gown like Cinderela"

Yun ang lagi kong sinasabi sa kanya, because I'm a papa's girl. But many years had passed,everything also gradually change. All of a sudden Papa disappear, No communication at all, even how many times we try to call him,but no one answering our call, we did send him thousand of messages but no reply. We dont have any updates from him, maybe something wrong happened, masama na yung kutob namin, at akala namin na wala na siya.

Lagi kong nakikita si mama na umiiyak habang nagdadasal, at sobra akong nasasaktan kasi she's hoping na baka isang araw magparamdam ulit si Papa,pero wala. Sobra kaming nahirapan nung mga araw na yun kasi tatlo kaming magkakapatid na nag aaral, dalawa kami sa college at isa sa highschool,so mabigat para kay mama ang pangangailangan namin, wala akong choice but to stop ,and I need to sacrifice everything for my two siblings so they can continue and finish their study, of course that hurt me so much because I also want to finish my study and hold a degree pero hindi pinalad. Maybe God has a better plan for me that is why.

I blame my papa for what had happened and hated him so much that time, because he promise me that I can finish my study in college,but none of his promises happened. I send him a lot of messages and even cursed him. Napaka hirap, sobrang hirap, na wala siya sa mga panahon kailangan namin ng isang ama. Pero kinalaunan ay nasanay nalang kami.

And then one day, we receive a call from him, oo tumawag siya, hindi namin alam ang sasabihin,hindi namin alam kung paano sisimulan ang usapan , madaming tanong sa isip ko,gusto ko siyang sigawan,gusto ko siyang murahin gusto ko siyang sumbatan,pero hindi ako makapagsalita. Hindi namin alam kung ano talaga ang nangyari sa kanyang pagkawala, hanggang sa umiiyak na siya habang pilit na binigkas yung pangalan namin,nahihirapan siyang magsalita at nakaupo lang sa wheelchair, yun pala na stroke siya, hindi nya lang pinaalam sa amin,hanggang sa hindi ko na namalayan yung luha ko tumutulo na pala, I feel so guilty for all the bad things that I've said towards him,I hate myself for being so rude without knowing the real reason why he didn't contact us for a very long time. Nag iiyakan na kami noon,at mas lalo akong napaluha nung sabihin nya si mama na "Ayaw na akong makita ni ate,sabi nya sana namatay nalang ako" he is referring to me,at hindi ko makakalimutan yung mukha nya habang nahihirapan sa pagsasalita dahil pinipilit nyang magpaliwanag sa amin. Iyak ako ng iyak, naisip ko kung paano siya nka survive sa sitwasyon niya,wala kami nung nahihirapan siya, wala kami noong kailangan nya ng kasama,wala kami noong kailangan nya ng mag aalaga sa kanya. Lahat ng sama ng loob at galit ko sa kanya bigla nalang naglaho, at awa ang nangibabaw.

After namin malaman yung totoo. I made a call almost everyday to him,and by seeing his grandchild makes him feel so happy. Hindi man namin maibabalik yung dati, atleast masaya na kami ngayon, at thankful kami kay God dahil hindi siya pinabayaan kasama ng kanyang mga kaibigan. And now the least thing that I can do is to pray for him thay God will always keep him healthy and safe. I am hoping that someday we will met again.

That's it for now, Im sorry for being emotional this time Thank you for your time. And keep safe everyone.

Lead image from google