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In any facet of my life, forgiving scares me the most, it's like risking yourself again for chances that you are no longer sure of, those trust that will never be the same whole again, it's like satisfying a person to feel lighted on what they did, call me the worst person but I think I can't trust and forgive people who once done awful things to me, maybe saying goodbye is much better than forgiving.
I admit that forgiving is one of my weaknesses, I preferred the path that is easier for me, I preferred the comfort I found in goodbyes than giving chances...Yes you can say that you can both forgive while saying goodbye, yet it's not for me...
People says that walking away on something or someone is the hardest thing to do, however it's different for me, if you asked me if goodbye is harder? Then I tell you that it's much easier than forgiving,
Goodbyes are my emergency exit, when things go wrong, and everything seems like falling apart, and it feels like chaos are all over the surrounding, that it's getting overwhelming as days go by, then goodbye is the easiest way for me to do,
Sometimes it's easy to allow ourselves to just runaway from responsibilities, from burdens, from problems that swallowing us alive.
For me saying goodbye is a mark of something that I felt like I need to get over, yet I know that it somehow became my toxic trait, walking out when I can't handle the pressure anymore, walking out without explaining, walking out without even saying things, walking out and never bothered to ask for closures, cause as a human I am, I go on path that I think would be easy for me than risking things I'm not sure of, I tend to shut-off people when insecurities and problems started to envelope my existence and that's when I go for goodbyes...
Maybe I have this pinned idea in my mind that if I say goodbye it means that it's all over, I'm getting over on emotional chaos, I'm putting an end on everything, cutting connections, saying goodbye to anything that causes me chained and doesn't deserve to be given a space in my life.
Cause I believe that walking away for good is much easier than forgiving people because its scares me to forgive because sometimes when I forgive it means that chances are to be followed and I'm not that harsh to take away that from them but it's myself that I'm torturing when I did that, so I just go for the safest and easiest way that I'm comfortable on doing, toxic yet I think it's somehow comforts me.
Saying goodbye for me is like finding myself for another room of my own solace, and taking away the people who doesn't deserved to be part of it is much easier, without wasting time, I know it's difficult but trusting is not on my forte so as much as possible goodbyes are the path that I took.
When I was a pure innocent child back then, I used to believed on second chances until now but the difference is I'm afraid on giving that, it's like putting back again the broken pieces of a figurine just to satisfy someone yet it will never change a thing that it once had cracked and will never be the same, it's hard to fixing it and putting it all back together so instead of fixing it I will just throw it away and leave it all behind because it's much easier, and although at firs, it's painful and difficut to walk away from that, yet times will make it heal and forget and you'll just realized that it's just been part of the past now, and the weights are much lighter than before.
The irony of walking away and saying goodbyes just amazed me, to be honest at first it's can be awful yet the amount of time you walks aways makes you feel light hearted because goodbye for me means a lot and it will last.