She is hard on herself

She smile but she is broke inside,

She let herself available to everyone but she couldn't give time to check herself

She always lend her hands to help others but she find a hard time to help herself

She cares but she also wants to feel how to be taken care

She is jolly but deep inside, she wanted to cry

She is strong but she gradually wrecked

She is inspiration but she couldn't find her own inspiration

She tries but stress and problems degrading her more

She is brave but she is actually a cry baby

Ohh I forgot to tell you that she is me.

I don't know where and when I feel that I become so hard on myself. Don't you also feel the same way? That you are always there to someone you love, comfort them whenever they are sad, give them an advice when they have a problem but you tend to forget that you also need that thing. It seems that while you're fixing other, you also left yourself behind. Why am I like this? So dramatic at the moment. But honestly , I feel like that I'm a soft bread to others but when it comes to me, I am like a stone because I've so hard giving myself the thing that I deserve. Sometimes instead of cheering up myself, I will put more pressure on it. I feel like that I carry everything and I have a deadline in life that I need to achieve before it is marked as late or missing. I also find a hard time to accept compliment to others because I always think that they are just kidding me. How can you believe if you know that behind your back, they also blabbering useless things about you. They are so kind in front of you but they stabbed you when you are not with them. But I still said Thank you because I don't want to be look rude in front of them. But it is tiring to be look okay but deep inside you are not. Tendency, I sometimes talked and having doubt on myself also. I've so hard to the point that I've never give myself a break. Sometimes I worked or study from 3AM-11PM without taking a rest because I thought that it is the only thing that I can do for myself. I feel like that I am everyone's crying shoulder ,so I should not show them that I also suffered from loneliness. That I am also covered by sadness. But honestly, I'm so tired and I feel like that it's also a time for giving myself a break from it. I just wanted to cry until the last tears fell on my eyes.

Another thing that I realize that I'm being hard on myself is when I also dwell on my mistakes. Actually , I treat my mistakes as a big deal. I have a trust issue not to others but on myself. I always doubting my decisions and actions because when I failed, I know that others will already labeled me as a failure. If I failed, there's so many people who will be disappointed on me. I'm so hard on myself to the point that I overthink everything. It runs on my mind 24/7. I've become so critical on myself. I always think that I'm a woman with a lot of weaknesses and flaws. I always point out those to things that I'm lacked in and I can't recognize my own uniqueness. I don't want to be like this but I can't help myself. I'm drowning by my own mind.

The other day, there's a friend of mine who asked me " How can you handled everything with that kind of attitude? You seems so happy despite on stressful schedule and activities. You seems feel no stress and pressure at all". But in reality within me, I just become like that because I don't want to post a negative vibes to them. I don't want to transfer a negative energy to them so I just keep all the problems and doubts within me and when I am alone, I burst out everything. I just want one simple thing , it is to be happy. A genuine happiness. I want to go back on the days when I still do appreciate myself and do anything that I want without feeling any guilt and regrets. I want to be free in this cage that I also built on myself. I believe that it takes time to overcome this one but I'm trying. Maybe I'm still being hard on myself right now but I tried to be me. The " Me" that I want to be.

Closing Message!!

Dreamers, I hope everyone is doing so well tonight. I hope that you didn't treat yourself as a stone. I hope that you value yourself and didn't being hard on it. This article was stock on my drafts since last month and I just continue it tonight because I can't think a proper topic to be discussed because I'm still worried about my grandma. Just like what I've shared in my last night's article, she is still waiting for my Dad to comeback. She is in the bed the whole night but she didn't sleep and she cried overnight because of my Dad. How I wish that I could give to her the man that she looking for but I can't. I don't know when she will remember what happened to my Dad and when she ables to rest. I'm hoping that Dad suddenly pop up on her dreams so that she will also be at peace thinking of him. Have a good night sleep then, take care always💚🥰