The First Step to Healing

I was about to end my class. My throat is already itchy and by asking an open-ended question, I wanted my class to buy me some time and give me a pause from speaking. I believe they see the gesture as my way of soliciting interaction - because I really am. But most of the time, I just want to cease speaking because it drains me so. 

And when I asked one student, who is off-cam by the way, for a couple of awkward seconds I received no response. This is the downside of online classes. You have to strike the balance between wanting them to fully engage in the virtual class and also wanting to understand their plight when it comes to internet connectivity. Signals are poor and intermittent, and their data connections can only do so much. I know I have to extend grace.

I waited for a response. For all my classes, I am clear with them that I am comfortable with silence. No matter how awkward it is, I can wait until someone dares to speak his thoughts regarding what we're discussing. Most of the time, I get answers. Though I have to stare awkwardly at my camera for a couple of seconds. 

Kruu. Kruu. Silence.

And when I am already certain that my prospect has no intention of coming back in front of the camera, a voice popped up. Unsure of what was going on, she asked me what the question is. Yes, she's a lady. It happened a couple of times in my class that ladies are the ones shying away from the virtual classroom and the men are the ones more engaged. I'm amused. 

She said sorry, she didn't quite get what we were discussing. A clear indication she's AFK. I have to get to the next one who volunteers himself instead.

At first, I felt invalidated. After all the preparations, it pains me to discover that not everyone is fully engaged with what you're doing. For a teacher, this brings me into introspection: is it about the subject matter, or the way I deliver? If you're an overthinker, this will drive you nuts until you get over it. 

To dismiss the idea, I opened my book The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. It is one of the titles I got from the recent Manila International Book Fair. It talks about being offended. I find it funny because I never thought that my experience tonight will have some relation to the book I'm going to read!

Bevere opened with a verse, "it is impossible to live this life and not have the opportunity to be offended" (Luke 17:1). Offense, as he says, is one of Satan's deadliest traps and keeps us imprisoned in our own destructive thoughts and feelings.

Well, to be fair I haven't finished reading the book yet - I barely even made it three chapters! But from what I have gleaned so far, it teaches that life will give you reasons to be offended. We are surrounded by people who have different values and priorities from us. Their ways could stumble us. And if we keep on being offended, it will cripple us. 

Sometimes, those whom we care about are the ones who can hurt and offend us the most. Those whom we love cuts the deepest wounds. 

I want to be honest, with all the offense I have received from people, what happened tonight is nothing. I can do away with it. It's no big deal. But from what I have read so far, the first step to healing is not to brush off your pain like nothing, but to acknowledge the hurt and work your emotions out. 

Yes, I felt slightly offended.