What a cruel 2022

This year is a tough year for me. I have been challenged by quite a lot of problems that I almost ended my life. The life of being a mom has overwhelmed me big time and the feeling is still overwhelming even though my daughter will be turning one year old this month. The thought of me, ain't doing motherhood well and the thought of losing my daughter are living on my mind rent-free, 24/7.

I encountered a lot of problems as a first-time mom and it first happened when my daughter was still a new-born. She had a blood infection which almost take her life away. She have undergone a 7-day treatment at the hospital for the antibiotics. She's not latching on me as well and her body was stiffen. Oh, I don't want to think about it even a little but my mind kept on playing those memories I want to buried.

After almost two weeks of being in the hospital, my baby finally completed her antibiotics and we went home with the thought of her, not going to be sick again but we we are wrong.

When my daughter was still eight months old, she had a seizure which disturbed again my healing mind. Her body froze and she can't even move it. Her left eye was close while her right eyes was open. She had a noisy breathing which awoken me. I tried to wake her up but she's unresponsive. I called my grandma and they were also worried. We immediately rush her to the hospital and I was crying while we are on our way. I thought it was the end. I thought I would lose my baby. Her eyes are closed while we are on our way and I kept on waking her up.

When we arrive at the hospital, the nurses checked her oxygen level and body temperature and to our surprise, they were all normal. My daughter started to cry and she had gained consciousness. She was then again active and she played with her father. The nurses asked us if we will still continue to confine her in the hospital as if they are confused as well. They asked us what happened and they just told us that maybe, my daughter just got her nose decongested since she had colds. I insisted it's not just because of the cold because I believe there's really something wrong but the nurses told us to have my daughter checked by her pedia first since they saw my daughter active and playful.

Though I really wanted my daughter to be checked that day, there was no pediatrician on-duty since it was Sunday. Monday came and we went to her pediatrician. Still, she told us it's just because of her colds. She advised us to use a little amount vicks vaporub mixed with hot water and let my daughter inhale the scent out of it.

We went home right after the consultation and I made myself believe that it was all because of her colds though deep inside, I know there's another cause of it. I searched on Google and typed what I saw on my daughter when she had her seizure. The answers I found were epilepsy and infection. Among the two, I suspected it's because of infection but still, I just remained calm and had faith with what the pediatrician told us.

I thought my daughter is growing weell and healthy but not until she had seizure again on her 11th month. The scenario was just the same. After 3 minutes of being unconscious, she was again okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I was too worried. I searched for another pediatrician and I let her checked my baby's condition. I told her everything. She confirmed that my daughter doesn't have an infection but, we need to let her see a pediatric neurologist so we can determine what are the causes of her seizure.

We went to Tacloban with the money I borrowed. Since my daughter will undergo Electroencephalogram Test and Cranial Ultrasound, we really need a huge amount. We met the neurologist there and advised us to have the tests firsts so she can diagnose. My daughter's cranial ultrasound was okay. She doesn't have any water of blood clot on her brain but her EEG results are disturbing. My daughter's brain are transmitting waves too fast since EEG detects the waves on our brain. Even though my daughter doesn't have any seizure during the time she's having the EEG, the waves on her brain were still detected. If these waves can go even more faster, then it will be the time when my daughter will have an epileptic attack.

I don't know what to do anymore right after the neurologist told the diagnosis. I feel like it was all my fault why my daughter is having this kind of condition. I even questioned God and hated Him for giving this health condition to my daughter because why this has to happen? Is He that mad at me for Him to make my baby sick? I'm really lost that time. But then, I gathered myself and still believe in God. My daughter will be okay and she will be healed.

The neurologist prescribed anti-convulsant oral medicine for my daughter to take everyday for two years. One bottle of the medicine costs almost $40.00. We again borrowed money so we can buy it immediately for we cannot wait for my salary. Oh dear! I have a lot of debts to pay but I believe I will be debt-free soon. I will overcome this challenges.

Dear friends, please include my daughter in your prayers. 🥺 I don't wan her to experience seizure again.

Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help. Sorry for my wordings and not organized writing. I am still not okay but I need to write to earn something, to earn extra while I communicate my feelings.

Ciao! ❤️