Please, be compassionate.

People always tell me, "Sayang c e ka. Bright man ka pero nganong wala ka ning human ug skuyla". I never understood before why I hated school so much, why I always dreaded going to school. I never understood why is it, even though people always compliment me for my wits and even though I get good grades, I still hated going to school. Well now, I don't think hate is the right word to describe my feelings towards "school". The right term would be scared or terrified.

I didn't understand before how I got depressed. I thought my life was perfect. That's why I didn't get why I would feel sad all of a sudden. Now I realize it was trauma. I was traumatized because of what happened when I was still in elementary school (long story). I thought I already moved on. I thought that I left all of the hurt and sadness in the past but everytime I see something or someone that would remind me of the time. All the feelings that my 11 year old me felt, the feeling of pain, of being helpless, of being weak always comes back and then I break down.

I tell myself to leave it in the past and there's nothing I can do about what has happened but it's hard. I guess what they say is true. Childhood trauma really does hit different. I forgave those people a long time ago but my heart and my mind can't forget the trauma. I guess I can say that I'm a damaged person. Despite all that, God has been good to me. And I am always Thankful.

Broken but Blessed.

Ps. I'm not posting this to get sympathy. Just to let things out. I struggled this past few days but I'm used to the random break downs and anxiety attacks. 😅 Some people are quick to judge. Some say nag binuang maong wa ka human or nagtinapulan maong wa ka human. That's not always the case. God Bless everyone.

Jai

This is a Facebook post from one of my close friends since childhood until now. She didn't finish College YET because she was depressed and been through a lot of challenges. She's one of the strongest girl I know. Brave and straight-forward yet a kind hearted person. It's funny that we were like enemies when we were in Highschool just because of grades and ranks. But even without those labels, I know it so well that she's so much smarter and talented than me and I never accepted that before. I guess it's because I was still young and all I am after of is being on top of everything because my grandma expects so much in me. Honestly, I don't want to be an honor student. I don't want to be recognized as best in this and that for I want to live just a simple and ordinary student who will remain unnoticed even after skipping class to go for a drink. I still did it anyway and because I was an honor student, some of my teachers thought that I don't deserve to be one. And I was like, oh my is there a criteria in Academics that disqualifies a student just because he/she drinks OUTSIDE the school premises and AFTER class hours? But nevermind, those kind of teachers didn't win anyway.

Alright so let's go back to my friend, Jai who posted that message on Facebooks. We were like sisters when we were still a kid. I would always go to their house to play from morning until afternoon. We only separate ways when we were elementary because I and my family went to Manila and live there for many years. When we got back here in our place, it's like I and Jai don't know each other anymore. We didn't talk and we got different set of friends so I didn't feel much lonely. I never asked her why we became like strangers and so is she.

Unexpectedly, we became classmates in Highschool and I thought that's the start of us being close again but I was wrong. The competition between us (well among the rest of the classmates as well) good intense as we belong in Special Science Class. I can still remember when I skipped class and Jai saw me about to jump over the school fence so I can go outside. She told our teacher that I jumped over the school fence and I became mad at her again. I don't know but we were not as close as before. I guess it's because of label/rank hunger that our parents wanted us to have.

This pandemic time seems like a blessing in disguise for me since me and Jai got close and even closer. How? Well it's because we would always invite her whenever we would go to parties or even have a drink from night until dawn. Since then, Jai opened herself to us and she became confident of herself. I was happy she learned to break the rules sometimes because it made her happy. Though she became a drunkard too because of us, at least she gained confidence and her depression slowly went away.

I won't go deeper as to what made her depressed because I believe it's too personal to share here. I just shared this here to inspire others who have mental health condition to be strong. Go out and speak with friends and be happy. Don't cage yourself. Talk. Life is wonderful.

There are a lot of people who have mental health condition and they stay strong and so we must be. In this world full of negativities, let us give love and understanding. Let us be compassionate for everyone we meet is facing a hard battle.

Thank you, Jai for letting me share your post to everyone here. :)

Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.

Ciao! ❤️