How was I before?

How was I before?

What were you like before?

Let's go back to those times when we first met our boyfriends/girlfriends. This cold weather made me reminisce the past and how I used to be.

Being in a relationship, the intimate one, allow us to learn many things in life especially in handling one. We were not the ones we used to be during the first date, first relationship and first love. If we compare the time when we are new into a relationship, there's a great difference in the way we value, the way we see things, the way we decide and even the way we love. From my own experience, I can say that I was noob and dumb during those first moments. I don't know if you did this before but I didn't realize I wasn't ready until I got into the relationship. My curiosity got me and it made me look for someone who I can call 'boyfriend'.

My classmates who were pretty already have their partner and I was quite envy everytime they talked to me about their boyfriends with a wide smile on their faces. Well, I guess it's an advantage when you already have a phone during those times. Way back 2011-2015, not all of my batch mates in highschool have mobile phones unlike today. I even got my first keypad phone when I was third year highschool while the rest of my classmates had during their elementary days.

Before and might as well today, one common way of pursuing someone was through texting or chatting online but during my time, we usually do texting. Knowing that my friends are in a relationship while I am not, it made me feel inferior and out of the trend. I felt like I can't keep up with the talk since I don't have anything to share. I was thinking that maybe it's time for me to try being in love too to get even.

It was year 2011 when I had my first relationship. Of course we knew each other through Facebook and talk more through texting. I admit I was so young before that I didn't know what to do and what to say to make the relationship on going. One time, my boyfriend asked me if we can meet personally which made me lie to my parents because I told them I will be making projects but the truth is I'm not. During the first date, I was really shy and almost went back home but my friend told me I should get going so I will get to know my boyfriend more. And there I went and sat beside him. That boyfriend of mine looks good honestly. He was tall, has pointed nose and fair skin. We talked for a while and he took a photo of us. The next move made me panic. He asked me if he can kiss me which I auto-refused for I have never experienced kissing. I was afraid too. However, he was so persistent and I got scared so I run towards my friend and went home leaving that boyfriend behind.

Another relationship that I have was with Charles which I wrote yesterday. My relationship with Charles was the first one I took seriously and I must say he's my first love as well. I don't know but I still had our memories with me and I feel like he still has this special place in my heart. I even had the chocolate wrappers from the chocolates he gave me. Everything he gave was kept in a box though it's been 7 years since we broke. Charles sometimes message me on Messenger but most of his messages are just left as being 'seen' because I don't want to have trouble with my boyfriend now.

I don't know why but I just notice that if we are single, no one would dare chat us but if we're already taken, oh my messages are popping. Lol. I guess Charles had a bad timing.

Being with Charles back then made me a toxic girlfriend and that's why we broke up. He can't blame me for I was still young that time who doesn't know what are the things that should be done and should not be. When we reached our first year, I became paranoid and clingy for the reason that he will be away for two years for their apprenticeship. I thought that him being away from me would make him cheat. That's why whenever he wasn't able to text me for an hour, I will overthink that maybe he's busy dating someone or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me. I sent him a lot of messages saying that he was changed and I even told him we should broke up only to found out that he's sleeping. See how toxic I was.

I also asked Mike, his twin brother what is Charles doing even though Charles let me know. Well, I just wanted to know if he's telling the truth. I even blocked some girls on Charles Facebook account too. Oh my! Thinking about all the things I have done before gives me chills.

Fast forward, we broke up because I can't let myself to always overthink while he was away. I told him I don't want to be with someone who's far away from me. He asked me if I was really sure about my decision and I said yes. I still love him though during that time and I know he felt the same but I guess he was tired of my attitude as well so he just agreed. But, he let me promise that I should not have another boyfriend for we will see each other after their apprenticeship and before he sails on in the ship. I just said yes but I failed to do so.

Yikes! I wrote a lot of my dramas. Lol. Sorry for I don't have anything in mind today. I was alone in my room because my boyfriend went to his cousin's birthday. He told me to come with him many times but I refused for I don't want to be around him everywhere he goes. I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him. I don't want him to feel that he lose his freedom being with me. I told him he can party wherever he want as long as he lets me know and as long as he's not hitting other girls. Because if he does, I will not wait for him to say a single a word. I will be gone and will wish him well in life.

I guess I am already matured enough this time. Hmm.

What are your thoughts during these rainy days?

Thank you so much guys for reading! You've been so kind to me since day one.

Thank you so much again for your time! To my generous sponsors, upvoters and to those who comment, I am sending you my warmest gratitude! Let's talk and get to know each other well.

Lead image edited from Canva

Ciao! ❤️