A Phase in My Life that I Am Aware Of.
I am here just to check some things. Hello, is everyone okay? I hope you all are okay. Some things made me stop writing stories here. I had and actually, still having my break because my mental health can't say more about what should I gonna do after all of what happened recently. Also, I thought some things on this site are taking a break too and so I do the same—I do it simultaneously and now hoping that it was okay too. Nothing is different from the past article, this is going to be a rant one too. I am questioning my existence again. I don't think I deserve the 'things' I have right now. May it be a privilege or not, I don't think it should be aligned with my name. I can't do anything right now but sigh.
I am going to celebrate my 20 years of living in this cruel world, yet I still don't have that contribute to this family. Their little murmurs made me think so. It's exhausting, you know. It's been a month since our vacation finally started and yet, I feel so tired of these happenings in our family. Especially now that my aunt decided to get some help from my mother and be the one who takes care of their growing son because they were afraid of getting someone they didn't close with. Long story short, they want to live with my mom in their place for some time.
As for me, I get the idea. There was no time that I didn't get their idea because I used to understand theirs all the time, literally, all the time. Even though it is always exhausting to do so, I have no choice because I am always the youngest grandson that has no right to speak for myself and my family. I get the idea that they want to secure their son's and even their family's safety by getting my mom to be their helper and even promised that my mother will get what income the babysitters usually get, but, can I say that she is also here because she wants to help her kids? Or no because we weigh nothing to this family? I couldn't control my emotions. My mother knows what I am going through. My anxiety tries to whisper at me every time I had things like these, but don't you think that I said those to my mother. I couldn't say those to my mother. It's just that her physical presence is what makes me calm every time I woke up from the deadly nightmares that were what I was crying about these past few days and started to think strangely again. I only give clues and let myself solve it and just request some family time.
My mental health wasn't normal, I think. Even though when I was still a little weirdo, I was the one who keep secrets a lot, talk furiously about things, and serious-talker they could say. But, deep inside me is a soft heart I am afraid to share with other people except with my mom who always knows how to talk to me. I don't know what I am going to do right now, I just want to cry all day long. Every time I go outside my room it feels like I am going to outburst my emotions and I can't help myself from getting rid of them. After all, I am keeping myself from getting the most important idea that she is also doing this because of her son. They are still here but the fact that they will be going in the next few days makes me cry again. I just can't let myself away from the person who gives me so much hope and strength. Let me think about it again. I hope I will finally get my senses. I let it go, people. Thanks for listening.
Thank you for reading this article.
You can read my previous articles here:
Reunited With Good Old Friends.
The First Step in Learning The Second Expertise; Music And Instruments.
All He Wants is Their Moment to Come.
Don't you want to have some accompany while that little men need guidance from your mom? Is his mother busy too, maybe they are sent to you so you could guide him too as a little cousin. Your emotions are justifiable, we feel, we emote and maybe there are new things God wants you to experience being with them. New chapters, out of your comfort zone. You can do it.