I don't matter

As much as I'd love to be part of someone's life, I'm not needed. When I was a child I'm invisible, like a wall flower who doesn't fit in. I'm not the type to get noticed. I like staying at the back simply because I am an average person. Not the type of student who will get noticed by the teachers and my classmates.

I am seen when we are to firm a line since I'm the shortest. I'm thin, short, tan skinned and I don't recite that much, not unless my teacher calls out for me to recite. I was humiliated by my former elementary teacher. We were practicing a folk dance when he shouted at me and told me that I wasn't dancing right. I felt ashamed as there are other people around. I felt my body hair to stand up and I wanted the land to open and eat me whole. I wanted to just go home and never go back.

I also remember being humiliated for having line of seven grades in English by a different teacher. It was enrollment when my father and I went to school so I'll be enrolled. Th teacher saw my grades and he immediately said, "aren't you ashamed of your grades?" I was unable to speak or even move. I stood there frozen and I can't look my father in the eye. I'm just way too fearful of what he might say. But my father said nothing and just simply held my hand as we walked home.

I remember my grade 5 adviser scolding me in front of my classmates for not doing the art correctly. She was angry and shouted at me, telling me that it wasn't what she shown us. I also failed the math periodical test. My best friend and I went to the comfort room and when we went back to the classroom, she was angry and all our classmates are looking at us as if we did a terrible crime. My grade 6 adviser also scolded me for not being perfect in my spelling, "you're not studying your lessons!"

When I entered highschool, things got a little better. I was part of the top 10 but I became distant, mean, unfriendly and I don't care about what others will feel about the words I said. I have no friends, only classmates. I am alone and I know that they just try to bear being with me because they have no choice. I am their classmate and we are in the same class.

My high school years isn't memorable. I don't like going to class reunions because I'm not needed there. They aren't excited to meet and speak to me. Nothing will change whether I go there or I don't. Going there is just a waste of time and it's taken the strength and energy I have.

When I entered college, it was pretty much the same with my high school life. The only difference is I get to have new friends. I was able to go on overnight for thesis and mock board exam review. We once had an open forum and they all hated me. They said that I was bossy, mean and they don't actually like me. None of them really liked me except for the five people who are my friends until now.

When I had my first job, the first year of teaching is really awesome and great but when my second year of teaching came, they are angry with me and they thought that I was rude, boastful and they hated my guts to the core. We had another open forum and they ended up pointing fingers at me, telling me that they don't want me to be their workmate and even giving me a wide eye as if trying to make me feel scared of them but I didn't. I stayed composed and I didn't even shouted at them like the way they did to me.

I was unemployed for 10 months which made me anxious about everything. I felt like I was left behind and I'm getting older without anything in life. I have no career, no savings, I literally have nothing.

After that I got hired in a BPO company where I felt the concern, love and care of the people there. They were all really nice and awesome to be with. They gave me the support I need when I needed it most. They are after my growth and welfare. Sadly, I had to choose between my passion and practicality and I chose my passion.

You see, only those people who loves you will be the people to stick by your side when you needed help. You don't actually need a lot of people in your life, you only need authentic and loving people who will correct you. They are the people who are after your health and well-being.

I've had many people whom I crossed paths with but all those people are gone in no time. I just made sure to seize the moment and do nothing else about it. At least my memories with them are still intact.

I entitled this "I don't matter", because that what I was feeling while writing this. My presence doesn't make any difference to others except for my family. They are those people who truly loves and understands me. I have no one but God, my family and most importantly myself.

I was thinking about the things that happened to me over the past years and j came to a conclusion that the people around me and the things I experienced are what I just simply needed in order to survive this difficult world.

Love_16

November 6, 2021

Saturday