@Love_16

@Love_16 5 July 2024

Hello everyone. Does any of you know any remote part time job? Thanks for answering the question.

@Love_16 5 July 2024

Hello everyone. Does any of you know any remote part time job? Thanks for answering the question.

@Love_16 10 April 2024

It was not the answer I was hoping for I've been broken and still am broken up to this moment. Have you ever prayed for something so hard, that nothing else comes to your mind except to pray and repeat the same words all over again? That's what I had been doing 3 years ago before things started going haywire. I am writing this because I felt like I can finally talk about it and I think part of my journey of healing is to tell this story. 3 years ago, we have all experienced being confined in our homes dur to COVID-19. I'm blessed because I was not working as a frontliner that time. I stayed in my parents' house together with my siblings. My family and I were struck by the pandemic deeply because the contract in my previous job has ended. My siblings also lost their jobs and the only thing that sustained us are relief goods and the little savings that my mom has. It was okay at first until it became unpleasant because the savings of my mom started to be spent little by little until nothing is left. It was also the time when there are health workers who quarantine a specific area whenever there is a diagnosed patient who needs to be isolated. For 2 years it felt like the world stopped and for me and my family, it did. September 24, 2021, is the second schedule of I and my sister's 2nd dose of vaccination. As we were on our way to the vaccination site, we noticed that there are plenty of ambulance as we travel to and from the site. Once we got home, our dad was already having hard time breathing. We called our older siblings and he was rushed to the hospital. My father has a chronic asthma and other ailments cush as heart enlargement, anemia, acidity, etc. He has a weak immune system to begin with and his asthma was triggered because of a fight between him and my siblings. During this time, I was hired as a call center agent with a work from home setup. I don't remember what they were arguing about since I was on duty that time, but remember going down and telling them to stop because I was in the midst of my shift. **"Sorry ne, titigil na kami,"** was the response I heard from my papa. 2 months before this incident, I had an argument with him because He was asking for 5,000 pesos but I told him that I don't have it and he got mad because he said that I wasn't giving him enough money. Then after my father was brought to the first hospital riding a taxi, he was denied because they don't have the equipments needed to intubate my father. Then, my younger brother and mother, who were with him during that time, went to the next hospital but they were full so they traveled to another hospital where he was revived because as they went to fetch my father from the taxi, he no longer has pulse. I was on leave that day because of my vaccination schedule. But I wasn't able to go back to work anymore because my father just died. On the night of September 24, 2021, my father was pronounced dead and I was crying together with my sister at home in our bedroom. My younger brother who was with my mom was traumatized because he witnessed everything and heard everything from the travel to different hospitals and such. It was also the night that the memo about my school appointment was published. As I kept on receiving congratulatory messages, I was also shattered. ***"Alam mo ba lagi kitang pinagdadasal, na sana mapunta ka sa malapit na school."*** ***"Good morning ne."*** ***"Pwede ka na mag boyfriend."*** ***"I love you ne."*** Everything around me was muted and it felt like my whole world has stopped. That day, even before my papa was brought to the hospital, my oldest brother went home again as he was done making sure that my papa was in the taxi and on the way to the hospital. He said, **"magdasal na kayo at maghanda na kayo, kasi malabo na si papa."** I then cried and started uttering prayers to God. ***"Lord, pagalingin mo po si papa mula sa sakit nya para hindi na po sya mahirapan. Gusto pa po namin syang makasama para maranasan nya ang masaya at masaganang buhay."*** And God answered our prayers by taking him home to heaven. That day, God took hime from us and it was the greatest heartbeak I've ever felt. Our prayer was complete and total healing and that's what God did. In heaven, there is no sickness. There is no pain nor sorrow. He is completely healed with everlasting life. Before he was taken out of the house to be brought to the hospital he kept on saying, **"matutulog na ako ma", "pagod na ako ma, magpapahinga na ako", "I love you ma."** Before everything happened, he was already showing signs that he will be leaving us permanently. "He kept on playing the song, "lowbat na ba?", saying I love you and being extra annoying to us especially to my mama. When they were travelling from the hospital, mama told my younger that, **"halika na, uuwi na si papa mo." Which he did but in his urn.** To all the people who lost their loved one, because of any reason, I hope that you also find strength and healing in time. I never expected that the first article I'll be writing after a long hiatus is this, but this has been the life I've had for the long years of being inactive. How about you? How have you been?

@Love_16 16 June 2023

Things I thought but aren't I thought that once I am already a public school teacher, things will definitely get better, but the painful reality embraced me without any warning. It was a long process and journey to begin with. It was filled with unending deadlines after deadlines and unwanted additional tasks. I'm actually starting to contempmeate whether I'd stay in my current school or I'd go abroad where I'll be compensated well for my teaching job. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching kids but I don't like the system that embodies it. The system that's always been the problem since the beginning. My 1st school year taught me that newbies like me has no say in anything. I just have to comply and do the tasks given to me even though I don't know how to do it since it was given to me without any explanation or orientation. If ever I try to reason out, they'll label me as someone who likes to complain about everything. They expected me to just keep my mouth shut and accept whatever task they give me. Which I am not, that caused me a lot of trouble. My 2nd school year taught me that no matter what I do, I can never please everybody. We had a school based teacher assessment from both the teachers and the students. I got a rating of 4.6 from my students but I only got 3.4 from my colleagues. The reason? They said that I'm just a newly hired teacher and yet I'm already showing them a nasty attitide of being bossy and such. I'm honestly touched on how my students actually see me because I'm the strict type of teacher but they've seen me beyond that. They appreciate me which is one of the most important things for me. I thought that things will become a lot easier for me now but it wasn't. The beginning of the school year was a mess and yet here I am, sharing this with you. Earlier today, my workmates were talking about the teaching load that I have. I was the example that they've set and it was just way too unbecoming for me. I'm always seen. I've also been trying to express myself a little better than I always do but I'm always misunderstood. I think Taylor Swift's song lyric fits me. ***"It's me, hi! I'm the problem it's me. At tea time everybody agrees."*** I just want to teach and nothing else. If only that's all that I'll be doing, then things will be a lot easier and better for me. By the way I missed writing here. It's been a while since I've had my last article published and I think that I'll be writing more often since I have no one to share my troubles with anyway. Good night everyone! Let me hear from you as well. 💗💓 Love_16 June 16, 2023 Friday

@Love_16 22 January 2023

Isipin bago sabihin Sa dami ng mga maling desisyong nagawa ko sa buhay at sa dami ng mga nasabi kong di ko sinasadya o nasabi ko ng di pinag iisipan ito na ata ang pinakamalala sa lahat. Ang mangako sa bata. Hindi kasi nila yun nakakalimutan kahit na anong mangyari. Ngayong taon, nag desisyon ako na sarili ko naman ang uunahin ko. Kasama na dun ang pag ma manage ng finances ko. Napag desisyunan kong mag cost cutting na muna. No more birthday gifts. Kahit na sino ang mag birthday sa family members ko, di na ako magbibigay ng regalo maliban na lang sa first baby ng ate ko na inaanak ko dahil nag promise na ako na sagot ko na ang 5k na cake sa first birthday ng baby nya. No more unnecessary gastos. Di na ako bibili ng mga pagkain dahil lang nag crave ako. Kailangan ko ng mag diet at siguraduhin sa sarili ko na focus ko na talaga ang pag iipon. Bibili lang ako ng mga pagkain at gamit na kailangan ko. Di na rin ako kakain sa labas lalo na kung may pagkain naman kami dito sa bahay. No more unnecessary gala. Magpapa ayos kami ng bahay ngayong 2023 kaya naman nag desisyon si mama na hindi daw kami pwedeng gumala hanggat hindi napapa ayos tong bahay. Yung perang panggala ay gagastusin na sa pagpapa ayos nitong bahay namin. Sira na kasi itong bahay namin lalo na itong taas. Crack na ang mga plywood na sahig. No more occasional gifts. Last December nagbigay ako ng Christmas gift sa students, come teachers at sa ilang chruchmates ko. This year hindi na ako magbibigay ng regalo. Kailangan kong magtipid kasi marami akong dapat pag ipunan. No more daldal. Napapahamak ako sa sarili kong mga salita. Kagaya kanina, kausap ko ate ko at mga pamangkin ko via video call then nasabi ko na dodoblehin ko ang pera ng may pinakamalaking maiipon sa kanilang magkakapatid. Paano kung 20,000 ang maipon nila, edi 40,000 ang babayaran ko 🥺 Naiiyak ako sa totoo lang dahil una sa lahat wala naman akong ganon kalaking pera kaya ngayon sobrang pinagsisisihan ko na ang nasabi kong iyon. 😭 Hindi ko man ipinangako pero tumatak na yun sa isip ng pamangkin ko. Nakalungkot lang pero ito ang consequence sa sinabi ko. Lalo tuloy sumakit ang ulo ko. Lesson learned for today: Isipin ng sanlibong ulit bago sabihin. Dahil pag nasabi na, di ko na mababawi o mababago pa. Dear Lord, need ko po talaga ng financial breakthrough ngayon pa lang dahil sa hindi ko pinag isipan ang mga nasabi ko ngayong araw na to. 🥺 Sorry Lord. Love_16 January 22, 2023 Sunday

@Love_16 29 December 2022

Top priority: Self-Love This 2023, I will prioritize myself. I'm done thinking and putting up others first so I'll focus on myself more. It has been a chaotic 2022 whereas I was hated in my workplace, I was not allowed to talk in the house and most importantly, the people I considered "friends" never felt the same way towards me and I also somehow neglected myself in a lot of ways. So I'll focus on myself more and become better. Dear self, I'm sorry for not putting you first. I'm sorry for neglecting you in a lot of ways. I'm sorry for making you a money-making machine. I'm sorry if you have to keep your emotions within because no one is there to listen to you. I'm sorry if you have to suppress yourself from your needs and wants because you have a lot of responsibilities. I'm sorry for somehow blaming you just to make others feel at ease. I'm sorry for not prioritizing your mental and emotional health. This 2023, I promise to put you first at all times. I will cut off people who are not good for you in any way. I will prioritize your spiritual health as well. I will go to church regularly and give my tithes and offerings as well. I will try to go back to ministry because it's a part of you that you can never deny. I will buy your needs such as underwears and other essentials. I will save up so you don't have to worry about your financial needs for your studies and personal needs. I will exercise so you don't have to feel sad about seeing your weight gain and your belly fat. I will study well and work smart so you don't have to be stressed out about your job and your studies. I will also heal by myself from the pain of losing papa. I will break down but I will never give up because all I have is myself. I will be kinder to myself and never put the blame on me just to make others feel better. I have already forgiven them so I can start anew. It's okay even if I have no friends. I am more than blessed to have you anyway. I promise not to lose myself in any way. I promise to stay strong and get better. I promise to find joy and happiness. I promise to enjoy my life to the fullest and never give in to the temptation of giving up amd succumbing to the pain and sadness of the world. I love you self. You are all that I have in this world. Loving you dearly, Me Love_16 December 29, 2022 Thursday

@Love_16 1 December 2022

No more tears left to cry I'm sad and I know it but I don't know when was the last time that I had been really happy at all. I miss my ftaher so much but I know that no matter how much I miss him, he will never be with us anymore. I need to process my emotions I know but I don't have the chance to stop, sit down, process what happened and cry to my heart's content. I am wronged but it's okay. God will be the one to take vengeance for me. I always ask myself if I am still normal because I can't cry anymore. I don't know how to cry or it's just that no tears are coming out of my eyes. I have a lot of problems and troubles in life but everytime I share it to others, they use it against me. They see it as an issue and they listen to respond. I have no money at all. Whenever I have money, there is always a misfortune that happens. The first time I had money, I only have half of my salary for one month. I used my money for my and my brother's allowance. Then my laptop's screen was broken because of out cat. Then I was blamed for it. The second time I had money, my phone for almost three years got broken. It's battery inflated. It doesn't function the same anymore. So I had to buy a new one. It's a necessity for me. Since I have a lot of online transactions and stuff to do. The third time that I had money, our washing machine was broken. I wasn't on speaking terms with my mom because even if I talk to her ah doesn't want to speak to me. I hurts to know that it's okay for her to lose her other children just to make sure that my youngest brother is okay. All different types of disrespect be it words and actions were done by my brother but she always tells me to just be more understanding because I'm older but I'm not a robot. I also have feelings and emotions. I'm hurt but why do I have to be the one to keep quiet? Why do I always have to put up with the disrespectful remarks and treatment? I bought a new washing machine but she was unhappy. She doesn't appreciate it. I'm hurt but I can't show it because they won't understand. I was never selfish, but I am called selfish. If I'm selfish, I would just think of myself and not give her money. Honestly, it's easier to accept that it's my fault because at least, I have no choice but to love myself even more and accept myself. Than to put the blame to other people because I can never ask them to change their ways or to respect me as much. I never said that I was the one who sustains the family needs. I was never boastful. I have to be okay bacause I have no one else but myself. I want to just give up, leave and never return. I want to be alone and just do what I want to do. I don't know why do I have to be treated this way. It was just way too unfair in the first place. I don't deserve this but why is it that I'm always in this tight spot? I want things to change. And I think that the only way it will change is if I leave. I think they will be happy once I left. December 1, 2022 Thursday

@Love_16 20 November 2022

Beware of manipulative people Manipulative people are unapologetic. They will make you believe that they treat you that way because it's your fault. They will never admit that they did something wrong. They will try to manipulate you into hating the people they hate and coax you into isolation by making you dependent to them. They will make you believe that it has always been your fault in the first place and you deserve to be treated that way because things happed due to your own fault. It has always been your fault. They will make you blame yourself without you noticing. You will feel.as though you deserve every bad thing that happened to you. Theb, they will give you false comforts by pushing you to your limit and make you cry then give you sympathetic lines which will make you comfortable not knowing that it's how they do their job as manipulators. They are active-passive type of communicators. They will be active when they want to and become passive when they want to as well. You have to be the one to always read the atmosphere. You need to go with their mood vecause if you don't, they'll put thw blame on you. Since you had been isolated, you have no choice but to confide in them not knowing that there is another world outside their created comfort zone. So you better beware of them. They don't really care the way you thought them to because in reality they just don't really care at all. They just want people around them who makes them feel as though they are the best givers of advice. They will give you advice, that but if you don't follow their advice they'll get mad at you for that. They will use your words and vulnerability against you. They would remind you of your past traumas and such. They will make you feel useless once you stop talking to them. They will.make you feel alone since you can no longer be inside the comfort zone they created. Love_16 November 20, 2022 Sunday

@Love_16 11 November 2022

Things I stopped Doing I've been in a lot of trouble the past month. I was humiliated, hurt and unheard but it's fine. I'm fine. I still goto work, pay my bills, study every Saturday and I somehow go to church but I still miss a few Sunday Services. The church is a walking distance from our house but there are instances that I can't go to church for different reasons. I was invited to an overnight stay to a friend's house and I learned a lot things which had been an eye opener for me. And for that, I stopped doing a few things. I stopped caring about what others think about me. I go to work, do my job then get paid. I just do what I can, when I can. I don't need to over exert myself that much especially if it's not worth my time. Before the incident, I'm the type of person who likes to voice out my opinion. I always stand for what is right and I will not just keep silent even if everybody hates me. But now it's different. Say whatever you want to say about me, I don't care anymore. I will not waste my time and energy because I will never get anything out of people or the situation. It will not make me rich to nit pick or get affected about every single thing that happens to me. I stopped talking about personal stuff to other people. It did me no good to share about my personal struggles and problems to others because they don't really care. No one got me, but myself and my family. I've shared my story and trusted a lot of people about my personal life and yet here I am hurt and disappointed in the end. My story was told to others without me knowing. I wasn't understood just like how I expected to be. They listen to respond not to understand. Besides I'm used to always keep things to myself. I don't have to pretend or feel guilty for keeping things to myself. I trust myself more than anyone else. I don't want my trust to get rbiejn every single time that I share my personal struggle to others. I stopped staying later than expected. These past few days, I always go home on time. The van service had been my excuse but the truth is I just really wanted to leave and go home as soon as possible. I don't like staying later than expected because it takes a toll on me. I still bring home a few works but I try to finish everything at work as much as possible. If ever I have to do something at home, I make sure that it will not take my whole day. I also need to rest, recharge and have the time to do what I want to do. I also need to relax. I stopped sending personal messages to others. I allow them to reach out yo me first and not the other was around. I've always been the one to send them messages which is also bothersome for them but now, I learned that I should not disturb them in any way anymore. If I have something to do then I must do it by myself. If I can't do it or it's not within my skills then that's the time that I'll ask do help. I will not disturb others unnecessarily. I can do it because I tried asking for help and yet it was used against me. It just hurts me a lot to even think about it. But it's okay because I have a family to love and support me because not everyone has their families to be with them. Love_16 November 11, 2022 11:39 p.m.

@Love_16 5 November 2022

I trusted the wrong people again I've never had a really close friend in my entire life. I don't have a go to person since I was young. I'm used to keep things to myself because whenever I try to share my troubles with other people, I get disappointed. There are only two things that can happen when I share. One, they don't care or they will point out that it was my fault, or two, they will share it to other people which can be used against me. I'm used to being so alone that when other people try to breakthrough the barrier I have created, I usually push them away. I'm that type of person who will face you head on if you have problem against me. Tell me. Do not just keep it to yourslef or tell other people about it. I'm the person involved and not them so you better tell me bad not anyone else. I trusted the wrong people again and now I'm hurt but it's my fault since I chose to share. I opted to tell them my troubles and now I knew that it was my fault afterall. Note to self: Work is work. None of them can be considered as your friend. Love_16 November 5, 2022

@Love_16 27 October 2022

Dear Papa Pa, miss na kita sobra. Gusto kitang Makita, mayakap, marinig at makausap. Pa, inaaway nila prinsesa mo. Nung birthday ko, walang papa na 1 week ahead of time akong binabati at kinakantahan. Walang papa na mag me message ng happy birthday. Miss na kita pa sobra. Marami akong problema at sakit na nararamdaman pero ako lang nakakaalam. Pa, alam kong masaya ka na sa heaven pero ang sakit pa rin sobra. Sorry pa sa mga pagkukulang ko bilang anak mo. Sorry pa. Nung nagtirik ako ng kandila para sayo, na feel ko na may nakayakap sakin. Alam kong ikaw yun kasi malambing ka. Miss na miss na kita pa sobra. Sorry pa ha, di kita naalagaan at naasikaso ng maayos. Call center kasi ako that time. Tulog sa umaga kasi panggabi ang pasok ko. Di na kita nakausap nung time na yun. Nasa huli talaga ang pagsisisi pa no? Nagsisisi ako sa mga pagkukulang ko sayo. Alam mo ba pa, gusto ko ng sumuko sa trabaho ko pero di pa pwede kasi nag aaral pa si bunso. Simula nung nawala ka, di ko na alam kung paano ba maging okay. Miss na miss na kita pa. Ito yung masakit na part pag nawalan ng mahal sa buhay. Yung katotohanan na di na kita makikita, makakausap, mayayakap at maririnig. Miss ko na rin yung mga away at tampuhan natin kasi nga ako daw yung girl version mo. Magkaugali tayo kaya di tayo magkasundo. Salamat pa ha, kasi inalagaan mo kami hanggang sa pagtanda namin. Thank you pa kasi minahal, ginabayan at inarugabmo kaming magkakapatid. Isa ka ring mabuting asawa kay mama. Dyan sa heaven, wala ng masakit sa'yo. Di ka na mahihirapan huminga. Bata ka na ulit. Malakas at malusog. Tapos na Ang paghihirap mo dito sa lupa kaya forever ka ng masaya dyan sa heaven. Pa, wag kang mag alala. Kami na Ang bahala kay mama. Kami kami na rin ang magbabantay at mag aalaga sa isa't isa. Pa, ikaw na ang guardian angel namin. See you in heaven. Love_16 October 27, 2022 Thursday

@Love_16 19 October 2022

Back to square one A lot of things has happened and as much as I want to share it with you, I can't tell you everything unlike before. I can't update as often as possible because I'm too busy to do it just like before. But I would like to share with you a milestone for me. Who would've thought that a quiet but sharp tongued person like me will become a teacher? Actually, even my classmates before can't even believe it. It has also been a rough 1st year of teaching in public school for me. Yes, you read it right. I've been in the service for a year already. Time indeed flies so fast. I was hired last October 15, 2021, a day before my birthday. And I celebrated my 1st year anniversary last October 15, 2022. A lot of unhappy, unprecedented and unexpected things has happened but I praise God for the opportunity to live life to the fullest. Another issue has come up for me. They said that I was sitting while teaching which I never actually did during my class. The students can serve as witnesses since it's us who are always together. I'm just forever grateful that I still have a job since I badly need this to sustain my family's needs. I am the biggest source of income in the house at the moment. I am supporting the studies of my youngest brother. I am also sustaining my needs as I'm currently taking my masters degree. Aside from that, I'm also on the road to healing my TMJ which definitely costs me a lot of money but I know that it is definitely worth it in the end. There are also a lot of questions that keep on popping in my mind. I also somehow question myself whether I'm an effective teacher or whether this is what I've always wanted to do in the first place. I want to go abroad since I'm the underdog and every single difficult thing is given to me. But I want to prove to myself that I am strong and I always have God as my backup no matter what happens. "Are they learning from me?" "Am I motivating them?" "Am I a good role model to them?" "Is this what I really want?" "Until when will I keep on doing this?" "Until when will I experience this unfairness?" These are just some of the few questions that I think about at night. There's no definite answer yet but I know that I'll definitely have it in due time. Good night and may you have a peaceful heart and sleep. Love_16 October 19, 2022 Wednesday

@Love_16 7 October 2022

The problem If there is a problem, there is a solution. There's a rainbow always after the rain. No matter where I go or what I do, I'm always the problem. Nobody wants to befriend me because I'm too blunt and my mouth has no filter. Nobody likes me because I'm too bossy. I remember that whenever there is a chance of having an open forum, everybody hates me. All of them has a complain against me. I talk harshly without considering the feelings of other people, I always have a rebut or a reason for everything that I am told. I always want everything to be done in time and I also want it to done perfectly. I am always the one to cause chaos and misunderstanding against one another. I sometimes hate myself as well as to why I'm like this or why I'm way too strong for others. Everything always goes back to where it all started. I don't know if "toxic" is the right term to describe me but all that I know is the fact that nobody likes me truly. I can't give them what they want and I always see myself alone and lonely. I am not the type of person that others would want to be group mates with. Honestly, I don't even know whether I'll have real friends or not. Nobody likes me at all. I honestly want to give up and just leave everything behind. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and just keep things to myself. I hate myself for being too loud and for speaking things which ate irrelevant. I hate how I just open up easily to others and regret it afterwards. I don't even know what else could happen to me in the future. I honestly want to give upon everything. They say that I'm brave and strong but all I see is my weakness and the fact that I am always the unwanted person in class, in a group of friends and in workplace. I'm also thinking that if my family is not my family, they wouldn't also dare try to think about me at all. I am the problem and I'll always be. No matter how I try to run as far as I can or leave my current situation or status it all boils down to me. No matter where I go and no matter what I do, I am always hated for it. I am never the person that they want to be with at all. I'm a burden that they'll need to carry. I'm a walking chaos as everything around me gets destructed. Be it by my words or actions. I'm getting punished for not being a kind and good person. I don't deserve to be here at all. I also think that I've never done anything for myself. I've never done something that I really wanted. Maybe they are right, maybe I'm really immature and that I deserve to be alone as I am way too much to handle. The problem is me... And will always be me... Love_16 October 7, 2022 Friday

@Love_16 30 September 2022

Toxic workplace Toxic culture. Toxic people. Toxic workplace. It's been a while since I last wrote an article on read cash. The reason is because I'm too busy or I don't know how to start writing again after a long time. I don't know what words to write or what to say. I'm actually a mess at the moment. Brave girl. Strong and independent. Never holding back. No matter what people say to me, I'm still human. Even if I'm made out of diamond, I get hurt. I have feelings and emotions too just like anyone else. No one actually cares about me because I'm way too strong to handle. I have a string personality and I can't keep quiet if I'm getting aggrieved about something that I shouldn't be doing. Bossy. Disrespectful. Doesn't follow the seniority at work. Those are just a few of the things that they say about me. Honestly, I'm getting sick and tired of my workplace. I can't move or talk the way I want to. I can't be the way I should be. Every move I make is calculated. I can't trust anyone. I'm just way too tired and sick of everything. I'm strong as they say so no one asks me how I'm doing. I'm just glad that I actually have friends at work but work is work. Questions after questions. Doubts after doubts. Complains after complains. These words has been the cycle of my life and I'm not happy anymore. I stopped knowing what happiness really means since my father died. I also have personal issues but it's as thought the issues are never gone. They always have something to say against me when all that I do is work because I'm getting paid for it. I do my best to teach and not to get affected but it wasn't actually a good thing. I can't just ignore it. I'm just sick and tired of everything. I sometimes wonder whether my decision to teach is right because of all the problems that I face. It hasn't even been a year, yet I'm known as a nuisance to others. I also start questioning my ability to teach. I'm wondering if my students are actually learning from me. I felt so unproductive. All that I do is to just go to work, go home and continue working. I actually feel numb. I don't know how to be happy. All that I just think about is my family. I'm also planning that after my brother graduates in college, I'll quit, especially if I'm given the opportunity to work abroad. My sister told me that all workplaces has toxic people and that this has always been what I wanted but it isn't. I never wanted to work in a toxic workplace or work with toxic people. I've been vomiting a lot lately. I can't even eat proper meal. The reason is all because of the toxicity that engulfs me each day. I'm tired and sick of everything but I can't be too selfish to just think about myself. My family needs me. I also have responsibilities that only I can do. My brother doesn't have a job while my sister lives with us at the moment since she just recently give birth via C-section. My savings are used up and I also have bills to pay. I just pray that God will sustain me each day so I can have the peace of mind I've always needed. Honestly, I also thought that God was angry with me and He allow these things to happen because He Hayes me. I don't go to church anymore or give tithes and offerings. I don't pray often and I don't do my devotionals anymore. But God loves me. He's the only one who truly understands me. Especially now that I don't understand myself at the moment. It's the enemy who wants me to be defeated by my own thoughts. Love_16 September 30, 2022 Friday Happy Teachers Day!

@Love_16 24 August 2022

Unfair treatment One of the things that I hate is unfair treatment. It's selfish, hurtful and disheartening to the person who experiences this. Mo matter how many consoling words are spoken or encouraging words are given, the damage stays. It's a world where people are worthy only if you can give them something and they can give you something as well. But if you have nothing to offer except your skills, talent and strength, it's all useless. I wish I also have a strong connection which can be considered as a string source of power or influence. I hate the fact that they always see me as an option to be given more work than the others just because they don't like my guts. They can't say anything about the work I do or the way I perform my tasks but they always have something to say about my attitude. **"She's bossy."** **"She's a clockwatcher."** **"She doesn't follow the schedule."** **"She doesn't look up to her superiors."** **"She's new, yet she acts up like that."** I'm in a working environment where people always wanted to be recognized as seniors equals superiors. They always see you as a competitor. Everything is a big deal. You are worthless if you can't give them anything. They always look for your flaws. They don't want you to be happy so they separate you from your coworkers who are new in the job as well. It's an environment where owing someone means being indebted forever. I then realized that it's starting to affect me. It's crushing my spirit little by little. I don't know how long I'll last but I hope that I can last just until my youngest brother graduates from college. I just need to hold on for another four more years. I hate the fact that I'm hated even if they don't get to speak and mingle with me that much. They have a lot of complains against me. She said that I might be doing something which I thought was okay when in fact it wasn't. The environment I'm in is not the one to adjust for me. I need to be the one to do so. I was removed as a higher level adviser because they don't like working with me at all. Well, I never belonged there anyway. Then now that I thought I can focus on one level, I was chosen to prepare for two meetings because it's what's convenient for them just because I'm new. It's like a punishment for me just because they don't like me at all. **"Don't think that you are demoted."** **"Don't think that we don't like you."** **"Don't think that we hate you."** That's how you make me feel. That what you're making me see. The seniors are untouchable. I'm not treated as a teacher at all. They think that I'm just an immature person. Well, guess what, I earned my degree through hard work. I got hired through hard work. I don't have any connections at all. I did not get it from owing anyone a favor. I did not cheat, instead, I waited and did my best twice. I'm in an environment where I always need to be careful with my words and actions just because they can always use it against me. I need to be in constant guard of myself. I admit that I'm not perfect. I have a strong personality. I might be a little too busy or over the board with my words and I'm always misunderstood and misinterpreted but I'm constantly adjusting. If they can't see the efforts I'm exerting or the things that I'm doing, it's not my loss. As for me, I'll just do my job properly since I'm getting paid for it. So this is actually why a lot of people get a crushed and broken spirit upon entering the public school system. The culture is not cultivating. It's crushing the person who is in there. Good things that I'm way too broken to be broken again. I'm being punished for being me. I'm being punished for standing up for myself and for what I think is right. I'm always the option for something that is difficult. I'm always the pawn for something that is inconvenient. It's always me. Even if there are other people there, I'm still and will always be the best option to experience unfair treatment. I actually felt at a loss and just when I thought all the issues and conflicts has been resolved, more and more issues arise. I don't even actually know if I'm just waiting for nothing. I'm questioning whether I did the right decision to quit my career as a service desk voice support from a good paying job with a lot of benefits during my most vulnerable time in life. I'm also questioning whether this is what I really wanted to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to get stuck in this environment where everything is just as hopeless and unfortunate as it can be. I don't want to be the person who always experience the unfair treatment just because they don't like my guts. I don't want to always have this pained heart because of them. I just don't deserve it. Nobody deserves to stay in this kind of environment. It's way too toxic and it's bad for both my physical and mental health. I just need to bear with it, especially now that I'm taking my masters degree, my brother is just a second year college student and just for a fact that I don't have any savings at all. I need to stay and bear with it somehow. I'll just keep telling myself to hold on just for a while so everything will be in place. I'm also putting a limit to myself whereas I'll have to just simply need to have a work-life balance. I won't answer any work related stuff during the weekend. I'll take holidays as rest days. I won't also try to speak that much as it is what puts me in a tight spot. I just know that one day, they will reap the things that they sow. The Lord will be the one to take vengeance for me who has been treated unfairly. A time will come when all the tables will definitely turn. Love_16 August 24, 2022 Wednesday

@Love_16 25 July 2022

Things not to do You might have heard or encountered the phrase "note to self". These are the words you need to remind yourself from time to time so you won't be harmed or you will not repeat the same mistake. These are the list of things I always remind myself. Each of the point included on the list are the words I tell myself especially if it's quite difficult for me to do. Do not procrastinate I'm the type of person who does what I can for the day so the things I need to do will not pile up. It eases my mind when I don't have to rush to do things or I don't have to work overtime without pay. It also disciplines me to manage my time properly. Do not share your life to others I value privacy a lot and I don't like it when people think or sees me as an open book. I share when asked but I still filter it out. I don't think that the people around me will be interested enough to know the troubles that I'm facing nor it will be helpful for me and for them to know me personally. Do not give unsolicited advice If you want to tell me something, I'll listen to you and I won't tell you anything not unless you want me to or you asked for it. I remember having a friend in high school who got mad at me for telling her that her boyfriend is a red flag. Take note, that word wasn't used that much. Since then, I told her and I told myself that I'll never repeat the same thing as it wasn't helpful as I thought it would be. No matter how concern I am, if the person doesn't want to hear it, then I won't say it. Do not keep grudge against others If someone does me wrong, I'll get hurt but after a day or two, after I've prayed about it, I'm good as new but I won't approach the person the same way. I'll just be civil to that person and never assume that the relationship is still the same. It's a lot easier this way than to think that everything is back to normal. I treat it as a lesson to help me grow. Also, it's never good to keep all the pain to myself. It's unhealthy. Do not borrow anything twice It's okay to borrow anything once, but it's never okay to borrow it twice. What I do is buy it so the next time around I won't ask for it anymore. It also teaches me to have self awareness that what might be fine with me, might not be fine to others. Besides, it's enough that I knew what I needed. Do not come when invited late I don't have much people whom I can say as my go to when I have troubles but when I'm uninvited or I was invited late, I don't go. The reason is simply because I was never part of the guest list. I was never in their minds when they were thinking about having a party or going out. I'm doing myself a favor by not needing to fit in a group I was never meant to be in the first place. To anyone who reads this, I just want you to know that you are worth more than anything in this world. Never settle for less and surround yourself with people who loves you perfectly fine. Love_16 July 25, 2022 Monday

@Love_16 17 July 2022

Born different Why am I like this? This is the question I always ask myself whenever I'm torn to do or not do something. I don't know why I've always felt different from others, especially my siblings. All of them are business minded and good in numbers while I'm the only one who chose to be a teacher. I'm always the sickly child who needs constant care. I'm always the heartless among us siblings that when I say no, it means no and there is no way of making me say yes. You can't try to make me do the things that I don't want to do. When I want something, I'll do everything in my power to have it. I'm not the silent type who gets bullied. I always have this angelic face who might look like someone who can't do anything wrong but my words are venomous. I'm always misinterpreted by the people around me as someone who is bossy, perfectionist and heartless. I don't easily back down especially if I know that someone or something is unfair or unjust. I'm not the type of person who will let others to get their way or just simply bow down to others just because they said so. If it's wrong, then it's wrong. I won't tolerate it even if you're my friend. You'll hear the words you have to hear without me sugarcoating it. I will tell you the exact words you need to hear. If there's something that must be done now, I won't wait for the next day to do it. I gate procrastinating things especially if it doesn't hinder my productivity. I also get easily upset in the situation that I'm at, especially if I know that I don't deserve the hatred that others feel about me. I'm always the type to think if ever there's a time that I have offended that person in any way. There's a lot of people who hate my guts. Telling me to slow down and keep myself in check at all times. I also hate it when I can't just let things pass by unlike other people. I have this thought that if I let the small matters to pass by, then they'll definitely do it again. Many people actually told me that I am perfectionist and I somehow agree to them. I like everything to be placed in order. Another thing that people hates about me is the fact that I'm way too secretive and reserved. Yes, I don't like sharing my thoughts and the things that happen to me to others. I have this thought that they wouldn't understand since they've always been like that. They'll ask me to share then judge me afterwards. Someone also told me that since I'm an English major, I must know how to express myself clearly in words. Well, since I am different, I told her that not because I'm an English major, I'll be more articulate especially if I don't want to talk about a specific topic. I'm also the type of person whom others think about when they have problems. They will send me a message whenever they are distressed while no one asks me how I'm doing. I'm also the family member who is only liked whenever I have something to offer. I am single, so they expect me to have a huge amount of money when I also have financial responsibilities and difficulties. They are so used to ask me to pay for it first then they'll just pay me back. They do pay me back but it's when I ask them for it. "You are single, why don't you have money?" I often hear this and they even ask me where am I spending it. I only answer them I don't know. You know how frustrating it is when you want to buy something but you can't since your money has already been budgeted even before you received it? It is also frustrating that I am not respected by the person whom I'm supporting his studies. It's just way too much. I can't also express myself in words because if I do so, they'll just return my words. They'll ask why am I like this and such. Another thing is the fact that I can't stop myself from helping others even though I'm just seen as a convenience. If my nephews or nieces need something, they'll ask me to sponsor it or I'll do it on my own because that's what has always been expected of me. I don't have the heart to say no when it's the kids were talking about. I hate myself whenever this happens but I'm used to it. I just go back to the question, "Why am I like this?". Love_16 July 17, 2022 Sunday

@Love_16 15 July 2022

The department meeting I was chatting with my head yesterday when she told me that we are going to have a department meeting at 10 a.m. today. I did not prepare that much since I have a lot of things to do and accomplish for the day. The meeting started at exactly 10 a.m. and ended at around 12:47 p.m. I ate while the meeting was still on going since I can't go hungry or I'll vomit due to GERD. There were a lot of announcements and things to consider since the upcoming school year will be on full face to face. Our school decided to have a 5 day face to face classes starting August 22. It is a good thing since it'll be easier for teachers to assess the students whether they are learning or not. Aside from that, the students will also have the opportunity to develop their interpersonal skills which will help in further developing their character. In my opinion, it will make things a little easier for me. I don't have to wait for late quizzes, activities and outputs since I can remind the students on a daily basis as we'll see each other often. It will not require me to stay on my laptops until 12 midnight or even until 2 a.m. just to finish checking their unfurnished outputs. I'm also planning to incorporate all the teaching strategies I was doing when I was still teaching in private school. I somehow missed designing and cleaning a classroom as well as handing out chips, and checking papers which I can record and give back to the students right away. I'm also excited to go on to this new journey in my career since face to face classes is what I'm used to. As we go on the meeting, the grade levels that we will handle were also announced. I will now teach Grade 7 students who are far more obedient and sweeter than the higher level. Aside from that, my head told me that they decided to put me in Grade 7 because of my passion for teaching which is badly needed by Grade 7 students. If I don't know the real reason why she demoted me to Grade 7, I would definitely be happy with the compliment, but knowing that she doesn't want to work with me anymore, as per her own words, it made me feel sad and relived at the same time. I wouldn't have to meet her often as she is not the Grade 7 coordinator. I'm also the type of person who doesn't stop not unless I've reached my goals. No matter how difficult it is, I always make sure that I do my best. I guess it's that personality of mine which made them hate my guts and attitude. Anyways, I'm just glad that this time, I'll only handle on year level. One preparation, one goal and one purpose. Things will definitely become better in the future. I also have a lot of plans even before the next school year starts. And if you're wondering why other teachers are asking for the delay of the upcoming school year, the reason for that is very simple. We don't have a vacation. As of now I still have a lot of paperwork to do. I tried to do it earlier today but I couldn't do it because I'm lost on how I'll start. Another thing that I would like to share with you are the school supplies I bought from Lazada. I bought it last 7.7 sale from a really low price and it was more than worth it. It made me happy and felt ecstatic at the same time. Good night! Love_16 July 15, 2022 Friday

@Love_16 14 July 2022

Things I did today Today is the day when I felt so free to do anything I wanted to do. I don't need to wake up at 6 a.m., although I still do, but the only difference is that it has been my body clock for a while. I don't need to hurry taking a bath, eating and preparing to go to work, although I feel sad for my other co workers who still has to go to work due to unfinished tasks. I don't need to forcefully wake up and start my day since I have the opportunity to go back to sleep or just take some time before finally getting out of bed. I woke up at 6:10 a.m. went down to pee then went back to sleep. After that, I decided to watch a kdrama then eat my breakfast. I was watching kdrama in between washing my plate and preparing the clothes I'll wear for the day. When my phone was low battery, I decided to charge it while I also put a label on all my school supplies such as stapler, stapler remover, scissors, stam pad,markers, pens, glue, ruler, sharpener, correction tape and such. I'm glad that I decided not to throw away my name template which are excess from working in private school. I also got used to putting my name on every single school supply thag u have in order to differentiate it from my coworkers before. You see, we have almost the same items because it came from the school items provided by the school. I watched the kdrama entitled, "Extraordinary attorney Woo-Young". I don't have a Netflix account so I watch it via Facebook links, which I'm thankful to the uploaders of the video. My mom has a Netflix account on her phone but it will definitely be rude of me to borrow her phone just so I can watch from it even though I do it from time to time if she's not using it. I am into kdrama which is about psychological problems or conditions. It somehow reminds me who I want to be if I am not a teacher. I like dramas which will help me understand the people around me and reevaluate my beliefs, values and principles in life. I also like to watch kdrama which are light in the heart and close to reality. It helps me to further focus on the things I have at hand rather than fantasizing about what I don't have. RomCom is also my cup of tea as long as it's not over acting in any sense. It helped keep my food lighter and increases the happy hormones in my body. But my most favorite is action where there are strong and independent female leads or female characters. I like women empowerment a lot. I also ate a lot today. I felt like it's the first time I felt relaxed after a very long time. I relaxed without thinking about work, I watched kdrama and even anime if I might add without getting interrupted and I was also able to give myself a real break from the stress, difficulty and problem in my workplace. O am grateful to God for the gift of rest and detachment from the things that are draining me. Thank You Lord for Your favor. Love_16 July 14, 2022 Thursday

@Love_16 13 July 2022

A day in my life I'm blessed to have a supportive, complete and loving family. I've been too busy these past few weeks even though the school year has ended already due to unfinished school tasks and there is another thing to do but I'll think about it later. My mother and my siblings are used to my silence so they don't bother me and they also know that if I want to do something, I'll definitely do it and vice versa. They also allow me to do the things that I want to do in my own time which helped me a lot in order to process what I'm going through and such. Today is the first day where I wasn't woken up by my alarm. I had a good night's sleep and if only I didn't have to go to the bathroom I think I'd still be sleeping until 10 a.m. Yes, that's how exhausted I've been for the past few weeks. Upon waking up, the first thing I did is to thank God that I'm still alive and healthy then checked on my phone for important messages and such. My mother sent me a message via chat saying that I can open a canned food if ever I don't like the dish she prepared for us. It's her way of telling me to eat right since I've been eating in an unhealthy pattern and manner. After that, I decided to eat my breakfast,use my phone again, wash the dishes, use my phone again, wash my bags and wallets, use my phone again, wash my underwears, charge my phone then update the laptop provided by my work. Lately, I've been going back and forth from my workplace where I can't even enjoy the whole day. There's always something to do and to get busy about that I've been nauseous and even vomiting the food I've eaten due to GERD. I even told myself that I'll never want to be a grade 10 adviser ever again. There's plenty of things to do and it's actually a blessing in disguise that I won't be handling grade 10 the next school year anymore. My workplace is actually getting toxic but I'll have to endure it as I have to focus on saving up money for my further studies as well as the further studies of my youngest brother. I need money and it always saddens me whenever I get reminded that I don't have any savings at the moment. I'm now free of debt but I'm an adult with responsibilities that only I can do. I wasn't able to finish updating the laptop so I'll just continue it by tomorrow. I also received the package I've been waiting and I've been needing to use yesterday. I'm just glad that it still came as it made me feel happy and giddy at the same time. As of now, I can say that I've had a productive day even though I kept on using my phone everytime that I'm given the chance to do so. I'll also have a lot of things to accomplish and I'll make sure to rest well from all the troubles that there is from all around me. A lot of things have happened and I would just like to thank read cash for letting me express myself freely. Also, even though I don't have readers, I'm still happy because I enjoy writing and I'm also able to assess the things I've been through. Good night! 💤🌉 Love_16 July 13, 2022 Wednesday

@Love_16 11 July 2022

Random late night thoughts Galing ako sa work kanina tapos yung head ko pinapirma ko sa recommendation form and para sa kanya immature daw ako kasi nga may attitude problem daw ako. Gusto ko sanang sabihin na "sino sating dalawa ang immature na imbes kausapin mo ako sa issue mo sakin, nag 'marites' ka muna sa iba". Di ko dama ang supposed vacation ko. Nakaka stress yung mga tao sa paligid ko. Yung stress level ko di ko alam kung saan na umabot. Ganon ba yun? Parang Wala akong silbi at ambag sa buhay mo ah. Di sa binibilangan kita pero Wala kang respeto sakin. Nakakatakot na sa panahon ngayon kasi pwedeng kaibigan mo ngayon Bina backstab ka na pala. Sana sinabi na lang sayo ng harapan. Hindi naman ako magtatanong kung alam ko na. Yes teacher po ako pero tao rin ako and may emotions din at may right na naglabas ng sama ng loob. Nalulungkot ako sa tuwing naaalala ko na wala nga pala akong ipon. Galing ako sa 7/11 kanina para sa sale nila pero di ko gets bakit pagpunta ko dun tapos na daw ang sale. Like why? Sana sinabi nyo sa promo nyo na until specific time lang pala ang sale nyo. Grabe nakakapagod talaga these past few days. Lagi kong naiisip na pano na ako? Buti pa sila may mga asawa, boyfriend or girlfriend. Ako sarili ko lang ang meron ako. At the end of the day, mas mahalaga pa rin kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa sarili ko. Ayaw mo sakin? Maayos ako magtrabaho, di nga lang ako magaling makisama pero di kita pakikialaman sa trip mo. Gusto ko ng magbakasyon sa beach. Wala na akong ibang kinain this past few weeks maliban sa fast food. Grabe super tired na me. May mga pagod talaga na hindi nawawala sa simpleng pagtulog lang. Grabe natusok ako ng bubuyog nung Sabado tapos nilagnat ako kinagabihan. Kanina habang naglalakad ako papasok Makati yung pinagkagatan sakin ng bubuyog. May nagsabi sakin na Ang dry ko daw kausap at naaalala ko lang daw sya pag may kailangan ako. Well, family ko nga di ako makausap sa sobrang busy sa trabaho, ikaw pa kaya na di ko kasama sa bahay? Wala akong panahon mag lambing. Ewan ko ba wala ata akong sweetbones. Sweet tooth lang. May mga time talaga na need ko rin maghinay hinay. I speak bluntly and harshly kasi ganon naman kami dito char. O sya good night na. I hope na maging Masaya ka na ng tunay. Love_16 July 11, 2022 Monday

@Love_16 1 July 2022

Running Errands Yesterday was a busy yet productive day for me. I love the fact that I was able to accomplish a lot of things by myself. Instead of just sitting down, browsing Facebook, Lazada or Shopee, I went out and do productive things by running errands the whole day. I did not set an alarm but I was awake before 6:00 a.m. Upon waking up, I decided to check my phone for updates then I ate my breakfast afterwards. It was supposed to be a non busy day but I had to go to work a few hours just before lunch time. I went to work and bought lunch on the way which I ate when I got there. I also withdraw my salary for the cut off to pay for bills and buy things. The straps of my bag loosened and I had to tie it up in front of the ATM. I'm just glad that there are no people waiting for me to finish withdrawing for i have to move out of the ATM area. After that, I sorted the forms and files needed for Monday since I'll be releasing documents to parents. I'm glad that the temperature is humid and there's no sun but it's hot. My coworker waited for me to finish up sorting the files and documents so we can go out together. I also had a lot of fun speaking with her rather than just simply sorting out papers. Upon going out, I then decided to ride a jeepney then walk towards the next jeepney stop for my next destination. I rode a white air-conditioned bus like transportation. I was about to pay when there was no conductor at the white bus, I tried to give my transportation payment to the driver by giving it to the other passengers when they informed me that it was a free ride. I was so happy because it was unexpected and I was also able to save up the money for it. When I was on my next destination, I'm glad that there are people in line. I paid for my papa's columbarium but the cashier there was really slow in moving. I also drank water there because the humid temperature was draining out the energy in me. After paying for the columbarium, I then decided to go out and walk to my next destination. I had to walk through a very high overpass before I got to the next jeepney stop. I was aiming to ride another free ride so when I heard one of the passengers saying that there is a free ride near the clothes stall, I walked over there and was able to ride the same type of transportation. Then I was off to the next destination which is the payment center. I had to pay for my SSS bills. I decided to continue paying it so I'll have 2 pensions when I retire from my job. I pay 455 pesos per month and this time, I paid for four months from May to August for a total of 1,820. I'm also planning to raise up my SSS contribution by next year. I'll slowly raise my contribution so I won't have any problems in the future. The line was way too long because there's only one cashier at the payment center. I then decided to send a chat to my nephew and my mom if they wanted to eat at Jollibee. My mom said that my nephew just went to puregold where the payment center was and that they bought groceries for our food pantry. She also told me that there are a lot of food at the house and so there's no need to buy them food. I told her okay and I continued staying in the line. When it was my turn to pay there was an old woman who doesn't look like a senior citizen wanting to be the first on the line to pay. The person next to me told me to pay my bill already and so I did. As I was leaving, the old woman was asking if she can go first but I wasn't able to hear the response of the people on the line since I already left. Only to find out that it was actually raining. Good thing that I bought an umbrella with me. As I was walking home, I felt happy and excited to tell my mom about my little adventure. I did it all by myself and I'm more than blessed to have the favors I received that day. From a smooth travel up to paying not even a single scent for my travels plus the fact that I was able to make my day productive is a great start for me. I'm actually starting to make myself more independent in running errands as I was way too dependent to the people around me. I also realized that I don't always need to have someone to accompany me walking home, paying bills, going to a doctor's appointment and even eating out. I can do those things by myself just fine because it's what I've always been doing even when I was little. It's not good for me to always long for a company when I can do things by myself just fine. Love_16 July 2, 2022 Saturday

@Love_16 26 June 2022

2nd Life this year January 22, 2022 - 1st time June 25, 2022 - 2nd time This is the second time this year that I almost died, if not for my mother who brought me back to life once again. I woke up early to help my mom in doing the laundry. I even posted an article entitled "Saturday". It was lunch time but there was no dish on the table to I just decided to eat cake and ice cream. Afterwards I took a bath. After taking a bath, I saw my mom staring into nothingness with deep thoughts. I approached her and asked her what's wrong but her only response was, "Is it bad to think deeply?" After a few minutes of talking to my mom, I decided to go upstairs to rest. Then I suddenly felt ill. I felt hot and cold at the same time as well as feeling pain shot through all over my body. Since I wasn't feeling well, I asked my mom to put some vinegar in my head so the hotness I felt can come out of me. She told me that I wasn't hot but I told her that I was feeling really unwell. She went out together with my youngest brother or buy grocery for her birthday today and I stayed upstairs feeling feverish with sore and aching body. I asked my brother to hand me a wet towel so I can put it in my forehead because I was feeling too hot. I put a thermometer in my armpit and my temperature was 37.3. I drank paracetamol then played healing worship songs on my phone in low volume. I was praying while listening to the music. I then fell asleep for about an hour and when I woke up, my mother was home. I came down and she felt my body temperature rise up and I went to the bathroom to vomit. Just when I thought that I vomited, I went out of the bathroom and my mom was there waking me up. When I went downstairs upon hearing her voice I was already seeing black spots darkening my vision. Everyone in the house was in panic except for my mom. They were sweating heavily while I was burning hot with no sweat at all. My mother put a lot Efficasent oil in my body and she kept on slapping me so I won't fall asleep. My brother was embracing me to support me while my mom kept on massaging me. She was telling me not to fall asleep. And to keep myself awake. I was white as sheet of paper and I felt helpless. My body was too tired and too heavy to even move an inch. Up until I became pinkish once again and I was crying. Maybe the Efficasent oil was too much. Just for whatever reason I was crying. She made me drink a cup of warm water until I burped. My brother held me in a firm embrace while talking to me so I won't fall asleep. He placed another cool fever in my forehead because I was burning hot. I kept on asking my mom why does it keep on happening to me since this is the second time this year but she told me she doesn't know. I don't know either. They just keep on telling me that it was because of the food that I eat or what not but did not have a proper checking up yet. I didn't think that it will happen to me again this time. I'm glad that God always gives me another chance to live. ***Thank You Lord for blessing me with another life to live. I ask for Your forgiveness for all the sins I've done whether intentional or unintentional. May this serve as a testimony to other people who will hear it. This only reminds me that You are not yet done in my life and my purpose was not yet served. I praise You Lord for everything. Whether good or bad, I am still alive and I might be unhealthy but You have given me everything that I need. Thank You Lord for sustaining me with Your grace and mercy each day. Lord, I asked for Your knowledge, wisdom and understanding to fill and cover me each day. Cover me with Your anointing from the top of my head up to the top of my toes. I give back everything to You and offer You my life one again. Thank You Lord. Amen.*** Love _16 June 26, 2022 Sunday

@Love_16 25 June 2022

Saturday Today is Saturday, I have nothing to do in particular but I know that I'll have to help my mom in housework. I actually wanted to spend the day just resting and using my phone but I can't do that either. My mom is washing our clothes and I'll have to hang it up and fold the laundry for last week. I'll also need to start cleaning up the house, especially my wardrobe. I'll have to start cleaning up because I have to destress. Yeah, that's right. Cleaning up helps me destress. Aside from that, I also get to throw away the things which are no longer needed. I've been feeling down lately so I need to cheer myself up by being productive. I'm also planning to have a regular exercise because I'm afraid that by the next school year, my uniform will no longer fit me. I need to loose my belly fat, and other fats in my body. I'm also having a hard time breathing while walking at the overpass. I'll have to start being healthy if I wanted to live longer. I also need to stop buying unnecessary things especially if there are free shipping vouchers to use. I actually wanted to be a responsible young adult because I have a lot of things yet to achieve and accomplish. I actually wanted to go on a vacation but I can't do it at the moment because I'll be needing a huge budget for it. It's not an option for now so I'll just settle in cleaning up the house and the wardrobe. I also have a few things to finish up such as getting a passport, paying my SSS bills and most importantly finishing my online course at the moment. I have yet to achieve my goals and I can't be sidetracked just because I was feeling down. I also reminded myself that whether I do good or bad things, people will always have something to say against me. As for me, I'll just do my job properly and make sure that I am on time, just like what I've always been doing. I've learned my lesson, it might be in a hard and painful way but I know that God has a plan for me and He will never forsake me. The pain I'm feeling at the moment can never compare to the pain I felt when I lost my father. If I will rate it, it will actually be just 10%. I'm just bothered whenever someone is angry with me because it's against what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a blessing but whenever someone is angry with me, I felt like I am not being a blessing. I'll always choose to be happy and choose to do the right thing rather than to be unhappy be bothered by the things that are happening around me. You might be feeling down right now and unhappy but I would like to encourage you that it won't always be a rainy season. You will also have a sunny and flourishing season. So hang in there, and as long as you know that what you're doing is good and right, do not be disheartened. The world will never be fair and the people will not always like you but you have yourself. Never loose yourself in this painful world. Love_16 June 25, 2022 Saturday

@Love_16 24 June 2022

End of School Year One of the most awaited times of teachers is the end of school year where teachers will have more time to rest and relax at home together with their family. As for me, this time of the year is for house cleaning, wardrobe fixing and preparation for the next school year. It has been an exhausting 1st year of teaching in public school for me. There has been obstacles and challenges that I'll always need to overcome in order to grow and become better. I'm not the type of person to show how I feel but I'm honest and vocal about it. I don't think anything else will hurt me more than I got hurt when I lost my papa. I'm not really the type of person to easily cry but I know that I am sensitive. I get hurt and I say it but I don't cry about it. I will think about what happened, reassess and reevaluate myself but I won't beat myself up for too long. With the things that recently happened to me, I am always glad that I am given the chance and the opportunity to have new set of friends and new set of people who are concern about me by telling me the things that they heard about me. They don't actually want to be the cause of my misery but I thank them for having the courage to tell me. It was never my intention to seem disrespectful in any way or seem bossy but it's my personality and I can't change it anymore. I thank God for sustaining me with His love, grace and understanding. He is the one I always hold on to, especially now. My 1st year of teaching is eventful, tiring and emotional but I always praise God for loving and me for who I am. As for me, I will continue to do my job well and just mind my own business. I will go to school to work, then go home. I will not bring my job at home and just finish it all at school. I will keep a safe distance between myself and my workmates. I will just approach them when badly needed. Nothing more and nothing less. Honestly, I'm happy because I made it. Now, I just have to look forward into having a better relationship with others and to my future students. I'll do my job and let God be praised through me. Love_16 June 24, 2022 Friday

@Love_16 23 June 2022

Bossy Part 2 **"Kabago bago nya pa lang ma attitude na."** **"Kabago bago nya pa lang ang bossy na."** **"Kabago bago nya lang akala nya kalebel nya na ang mga tao dito."** Ngayon malinaw na sakin ang lahat. Pagbago ka dapat oo ka lang ng oo. Dapat di ka nagrereklamo at bow down ka sa kanilang lahat. Kahit gaano kaganda ang performance mo sa trabaho, kung di ka nila feel, di ka marunong makiayon sa kanila o di ka nakiki bow sa kanila, Ikaw ang kawawa. May mga biruan na akala mo okay lang sumagot ng pabiro na mali rin pala. Di ko sila ka level. Mas mataas sila at ako "bago lang". Nalulungkot ako sa totoo lang at nasasaktan kasi imbes na pagsabihan ako, sila pa mismo ang pinag uusapan ako sa harap ng iba kong katrabaho. Sila yung mas nakakataas sa akin pero sa iba ko pa nalaman na ganon na pala ang tingin nila sakin. Dapat nga sanay na ako kasi noon pa man di na talaga nila ako tanggap. Lahat na ata ng masasakit na salita narinig ko na. Pati ang duruin at pandilatan ng mata pero hanggang ngayon nalulungkot pa rin ako pag nararamdaman at nalalaman ko na ayaw nila sakin at napipilitan lang silang pakisamahan ako dahil katrabaho nila ako. Nung nag aaral pa ako hanggang ngayon na may trabaho na ako yun naman ang laging problema sakin. Di naman yun nagbago. Ginagawa ko naman ang best ko na makisama pero di ko alam na lumalagpas na pala ako sa boundary. Lagi namang na ko comment sakin na bossy daw ako. Yung way kasi ng pagsasalita ko at tono ng boses ko kahit di ko naman sinasadya ay ganon ang dating. Masyadong authoritative. Ni Minsan hindi ko naisip na ganon pala ang tingin nila sakin. Mabuti na lang at may nakapagsabi. Mabuti na lang may nakarinig at naisip sabihin sakin. Nakaka three strikes na pala ako ng hindi ko alam. Sana kinausap man lang ako para alam ko ang mali ko hindi yung sinabi pa sa iba at may iba pang nakarinig. Pinag uusapan na pala nila ako ng hindi ko alam. Nakakahiya dahil marami na ang nakakaalam at nakarinig bago pa man ako. Strike 1 - Nung nakipag usap ako sa isa ding head na di pala sya natuwa sa way ng pagsagot ko sa kanya. May nakarinig daw at nabastusan sa pagsagot ko. Strike 2 - Yung mismong may hawak sakin ay di natuwa sa biruan. Di ko naman sinasadya pero yun pala ang dating ng pagkakasabi ko. Nag sorry naman ako pero napahiya ko daw sya at nasaktan sya kaya useless din ang sorry ko. Strike 3 - Masyado daw akong nakikipag kumpetensya at nangunguna na hindi naman dapat. Nasaktan ako kasi akala ko efficient yung way ko ng pagtatrabaho hindi pala. Masama pala na inuunahan ko ang mga mas nauna sa akin. Ngayon ibaba ako ng level para di na nila ako need I handle. Wala naman pala talagang shuffle na nagaganap pero ngayon meron na dahil nga "bossy", "ma attitude" at "feeling ka level ko na sila." Ni minsan hindi ko hinangad na makipag kumpetensya. Ang gusto ko lang matapos ko kaagad ang trabaho dahil yun naman ang ipinunta sa trabaho ang kaso kailangan ko ring matutong makisama. Yun ang wala ako. Mabuti na lang naipaliwanag sakin at napagsabihan ako kahit papano. Totoo naman yun na bago lang ako at marami pa akong hindi alam o natutunan kaya nga dapat matuto akong makisama. Kaso anong magagawa ko kung ganito na talaga ako magsalita. Pinipilit ko namang baguhin pero ganon pa rin. Wala rin akong mga kaibigan. Sa totoo lang wala naman talagang may gusto sakin kahit sa family nga nararamdaman ko rin yun eh. Akala ko this time iba na at magbabago na pero mali ako dahil palang nauulit lang lagi. Umpisa na naman ako sa simula. Iniisip ko na lang na di naman ako forever mag stay at magtatrabaho. Di naman ako forever na nandito. Lilipas din ang sakit. Lilipas din ang lungkot. Sa susunod iba naman. Tanggap ko na hanggang ganito na lang talaga at deserve ko ito dahil ako naman talaga ang may kasalanan ng lahat. Ako lagi ang may kasalanan. Ako ang may problema. Ako ang problema. Love_16 June 23, 2022 Thursday

@Love_16 22 June 2022

Bossy I came home disheartened and hurt by the things I've learned today. I'm not the type of person to talk behind someone else's back because I always think that it's unfair and unethical as well. It's never been in my vocabulary and practice to say awful things about someone especially if that someone is not with me at the moment. If I have a problem with someone, I say it straight to that person's face because it's the right thing to do. Now, if that person was hurt because of the words I said, I apologize for hurting that person and tell him that I am concern with him and I never wanted to sugarcoat my words. You'll hear an honest opinion and feedback to me when you ask for it. One of my colleagues told me that our head was talking behind my back together with another head from the different department, saying negative things about me such as words as I'm bossy. I never thought that that is how I am perceived by them since I am not as talkative as the others or as expressive as them. I always use honorifics when talking to them so I wonder how I ended up as someone who is bossy. I'm glad that one of my workmates told me about it so I'll be more careful next time. My point is, my head or the person who is an authority over me should've talked to me about it so that I'll be aware about it instead of talking to someone else about that attitude problem they see in me. She should've mentored me so I'll know and explained it to me further. I've heard them talking about someone else behind their backs so I'm aware that they have that kind of attitude but I didn't know that they'll do it with me as well. I thought that they'll change their ways and speak to the person directly. They are old people so I expected them to be more matured in handling these types of matter and they also have the longer years in service. I might be a newbie but I'm efficient in my job and I always make sure that I do it properly. I might not be the best but I make sure that you'll see no negative or incorrect matter in my job. I honestly felt so down and now, I'll be more aware of the words and actions that I do. Being bossy has always been the people's feedback with me. Ever since I was a student up until now that I am already working. They always see me as someone who is bossy, authoritative and mean. Even though I don't want to be perceived and seen that way, and I always try to manage myself, I always end up hearing the same thing over and over again. The problem is in me. One of my colleagues told me to beware of my choice of words and be more accommodating to others. I'm trying to be nice as much as possible but it's not what they see. I guess I'll have to start being more self aware and self reflective. I also need to be wise as to whom I share my thoughts and ideas with. As per one of my articles, work is work and it will always be just that. It has to stay that way. Love_16 June 22, 2022 Wednesday

@Love_16 15 June 2022

That kind of workmate May isang katrabaho ako na di ko malaman kung ayaw ba nya sakin o gusto. Babae sya may asawa at isa rin sa mga matuturing na bago sa trabaho ko ngayon kahit pa 4 years na syang nagtatrabaho sa pinagtatrabahuhan ko ngayon. Pag kausap ko sya o ka chat may mga pagkakataon na nadi disregard nya ako. Naisip ko nga na baka kasi sobrang feeling close ko na porque't nagkakausap na kami. Hindi naman ako nakikipag usap sa kanila not unless may kinalaman sa trabaho. Sinabi ko rin naman na di ako mabait at may pagka strict ako dahil pag sinabing trabaho ay trabaho. Ayokong pinagpapabukas o pinagpapamamaya kung pwede ng gawin agad. Ito g teacher na to katabi ko sa mesa at upuan. Napapansin ko na lagi syang nakatalikod sakin o lumilipat sya ng pwesto. Naiintindihan ko naman kasi nga siguro nasisikipan pero matao man sa pwesto o hindi, lagi nya akong tinatalikuran tapos makikipag usap sya sa katabi nya sa left side nya. Di naman ako yung tipo ng tao na makikisawsaw sa usapan or what kasi di naman talaga ako madaldal not unless palagay ang loob ko sa isang tao dahil introvert ako. Aside from that, pag turn ko ng magsalita, di na sya makikinig sa sasabihin ko. Inamoy ko naman ang sarili ko at wala naman akong foul smell or what. Di ko rin naman sya sinisiksik at inaagawan ng pwesto kaya di ko maintindihan bakit ganon sya. Nung unang pasok ko sa work, sinabihan ako ng head ko na magtanong sa mga naunang teachers sakin kasi nga nangangapa pa ako sa mga dapat gawin dahil nga bago ako. Sinabihan din ako ng head namin na hiramin ko daw ang presentations nila since pareparehas naman kami ng trabaho. Tuwing mag me message ako sa kanya tungkol dun, di nya sini seen ang message ko kaya wala akong ibang choice kundi gumawa ng sarili kong gagamitin. After that, napapansin ko rin na palagi syang may side comment sa akin na di ko maintindihan kung bakit. Pero yung ng pagkakasabi nya ay dinadaan nya sa tawa at sasabihin nya na may mga nakakarinig. Pero dahil nga may tawa sya, parang magiging biro. Gaya ng "chikadora ka", "ang dami mong napupuna", "ang dami mong sinasabi" and such. Marami pang ibang pagkakataon pero kanina yung pinaka grabe at confirmation ko na hindi nya talaga ako gustong katrabaho. Last week of May pa ako nagsabi sa kanya na magpapa make up ako para sa video shoot sa trabaho. Nung una nag decline na sya saying na panghapon sya at di kami sa bahay. I dropped the topic then nung yung isang workmate ko ang nagsabi na magpapa make up at magpapaayos sa kanya, umoo sya agad. Saka nya ako sinabihan na aayusan nya na lang rin daw ako. Yung isang yun yung lagi nyang kausap at kakwentuhan. Tawagin na lang natin syang B. Tapos si A yung kinukwento ko. Kanina na yung video shoot namin. Maaga akong pumasok para nga maayusan pero ang Sabi ni A sakin "kaya lang naman ako pumasok ng maaga dahil Kay B kasi aayusan ko sya." Nasa work na ako ng 7:30 pero di nya ako inayusan. So B dumating ng 8:30 Saka nya inayusan. Full hair and make up ang ayos nya. Samantalang ako, Saka nya ako inayusan nung natapos sya Kay B ng 9:30. Buti na lang may dala akong hair iron kaya ako na ang nagplantsa ng sarili kong buhok. Nung di ko na maabot sa likod, yung taga ibang department ang nagplantsa ng buhok ko. Pagkatapos ko maplantsa yung buhok ko minadali nya yung make up ko. Parang no make up make up ang dating kaso ang putla ko tignan. Yung nilagay nyang lipstick, blush on at false eyelashes ay di magandang tignan. Ang putla ko talaga. Hanggang sa sinabi ko na maputla ako tignan kaya pinalitan nya yung lipstick ko. Pagkatynun sinabihan ko sya na kung ow Deng ikulot din yung dulo ng buhok ko gaya ng ayos nya Kay B pero ang sagot nya sakin Wala ng time. Kaya lumabas na kami galing sa department namin then diretso sa video shoot. After ng video shoot, bumalik na kami sa office para magpalit ng damit dahil naka long dress and high heels kami. Sobrang nakakapagod mag shoot at nakakangalay sa paa dahil di naman ako sanay mag heels. Nung nilalagyan nya ako ng make up, panay ang side comment nya na namamalat daw yung face ko which is totoo naman dahil sa papalit palit na panahon. Pina check up ko na yung face ko before and yun ang Sabi ng derma. Yung isa o dalawang sabi ay okay na pero pinaulit ulit nya kasi. Tuwing may bago syang ilalagay sa Mukha ko, lagi nyang sasabihin ang "sige balat pa more" na may kasamang tawa kahit na explain ko na sa kanya yung case ko. Nung nagbibihis na ako ng damit di ko mahubad yung long dress na suot ko kaya nagpatulong ako. Kay B ako nagpatulong at ang sagot nya, "ito ang daming problema sa buhay, tulungan mo na nga Yan B ng matapos na." Di na ako sumagot dahil wala naman akong mapapala kung sasagutin ko sya. Si B tinulungan ako na makapagbihis. Ang sakin naman, may usapan na kami na magpapa make up at magpapaayos ako ng buhok sa kanya kaya di ko maintindihan bakit si B pa rin ang inuna nyang ayusan. Yung isang kaibigan nga nya sinabi na ako na daw ang unahin dahil ako naman ang nauna Kay B pero si B pa rin talaga ang hinintay nya. Nagbayad rin naman ako at hindi lang basta thank you ang sinabi ko. Nung umuwi na ako, pinakita ko Kay mama ang make up ko tapos Sabi ni mama saan naman daw ang minakeupan sa akin. Kasi nga maputla yung pagkaka make up nya. Pinangaralan ako ni mama na wag ng uulit na manghingi ng tulong sa kanya lalo na at ganon naman ang pakikitungo nya sakin. Ngayon bibili na lang ako ng sarili kong make up kit at mag aaral din akong mag make up sa sarili ko para di ko na need magpa make up sa kanya next time. Tama yung sinabi nila na hindi porque't nginingitian at kinakausap ka ay kaibigan mo na. Dahil una sa lahat, ang trabaho ay trabaho. Hindi sila kaibigan na pwedeng mapagsabihan ng nararamdaman at pinagdadaanan. Ngayong alam ko na, di na ako mag a approach kung di naman work related. Di na rin ako manghihingi ng favor kasi kahit naman magbayad ako ay ganon pa rin naman pala. Love_16 June 15, 2022 Wednesday

@Love_16 14 June 2022

1st birthday salubong I've been feeling sad and lonely lately. I wanted to be alone and do nothing. I don't even eat on time because I'm quite busy doing work and there's been a lot of events in our family. I feel drained out of my strength and sound mind. This is the kind of exhaustion that no amount of sleep can keep me well rested. I also told my workmate about my papa and as usual, she doesn't know how to respond to what I told her. I'm just glad that she was all ears while listening to me and she maintained the eye contact as well, showing how interested she is in what I tell her. I've been crying a lot lately as well. I guess it's the way my body copes with how I feel and think. The fact that it's my oldest brother and my mom who stays home at the moment gives me more alone time to ponder and evaluate the things that happen in my life. I'm planning to buy my father a cake tomorrow because it's his first birthday in heaven. I guess it's the reason why I'm crying, I feel sad and lonely. I don't want to feel this way but it's just how my heart feels and I think it's a good thing that I can be sad on my own. Actually, as I'm writing this, my heart is pounding and I feel sad as well. I already gave the 5,000 to my mom which was what he asks from me last year but I wasn't able to give it to him since I don't have money that time. I'm really sorry to my father because I'm a year late. He can no longer appreciate the money that I've given to my mom as his birthday present. I didn't know that it will be the last that he'll ask me for money and I wasn't even able to give it him. He told me that he'll buy a new wristwatch. I told him that he doesn't need it since he already has three wristwatch wherein one of those are newly bought. I didn't know that he will give it to my brothers as his heritage. It was treasured by my brothers a lot and they also wear it often. Earlier today I woke up with the fires of our dog at 5:07 a.m. I went down to stay with him. I tried to sleep some more in my mother's bed but I wasn't able to do so. I was wide awake from 5:07 a.m. until now. My mom usually leaves the house at 5 .m. to go to her work and put dog doesn't like the fact that he's alone downstairs. I greeted my papa happy birthday since June 13. There was a confusion in his birth certificate that's why we celebrated it on July 13, June 13 and June 15. I don't actually want to leave the house tomorrow because I know that I'll just cry and feel sad but I also know that I have a job to fulfill. I'll just go straight home from work. I honestly feel terrible the past few days and I'm sure that I'll feel more heartbroken tomorrow. I was also notified by my Facebook memories of how we celebrated his birthday the past few years ago. I've also been curling up in bed lately just letting myself feel sad. I'm slowly moving forward and I'm still in the process of healing. I don't know when I'll be all better or how I'll keep on but one thing's for certain, my papa will never want to see me sad, depressed or sulking. He is also the kind of person who sees every single detail. He knows how I feel, what I think about and he knows the hole me. He knows what makes me upset and what makes me happy. He's a parent indeed. I grew up seeing him with no vices and he never lays his hand on his children. I'm a well loved and cherished daughter by him. I actually miss him calling me or chatting me asking where I am. I'm 23 years old last year but he still looks for me as though I'm a highschool student. Then I would get annoyed and confront him when I get home. Now I miss him. I miss him so much and I regret how I've treated him or how I've taken him for granted. I also did not celebrate the father's day last year thinking that I'll be able to celebrate it with him this year and I regret it so much. Now my tears can never suffice the pain I might have caused him when he was still alive. I feel the pain in my heart and no words can ever give me comfort. I wasn't even able to give him the things that he needed. I wasn't able to provide for him. Regrets are indeed always in the end. I love him so much and I hate the fact that I can never be with him anymore no matter how much I wanted to. I can never see him again no matter how I long to. I can never feel his warmth or hear him anymore. He's just the love of my life that I can never move on from. I just love him to much. Love_16 June 14, 2022 Tuesday

@Love_16 9 June 2022

Pasalubong My workmates and I recently graduated from our training. We had a lot of fun joining the weekly training every Wednesday from the last week of February until our graduation day on June 1. It was a blast and I learned a lot which I also hope to practice and apply when in the near future. After that, we had a GC where our pictures were posted and all of us new in the industry are included. There are five of us and we are all girls. We had an agreement to have our own bonding time where we will eat out and just simply enjoy as a celebration of being graduates and having the new bond of friendship with each other. We ate in an unli samgyup restaurant which costs 615 each. It was really pricy for me since it was the first time that I ate out and I'm not really a heavy eater due to my GERD. After that we went on and look for laptops, projectors and shoes and bags where I wasn't able to buy any of those. I don't have enough money yet for it. The laptop costed round 45 thousand while the printer can be bought for a lower price somewhere else. The projector is also quite pricy but I know that have to provide it soon so I can use it on a daily basis. I'm just glad that I have people with me who are knowledgeable enough for those equipments which are necessity for my job. I actually felt too tired to walk any longer so we decided to stop by to a milk tea shop to sit down and talk some more. We have talked about a lot of things, laughed and got tired all together. The bind we shared is not something that is safe enough to share my personal problems and troubles with them but I'm slowly getting there. Afterwards, drinking our milk tea, we parted ways since we live in different areas. I'm just glad that they are accommodating enough to accompany me to the CR and to look for the things I needed. Before going home, I bought bread talk for my mom. It has been my habit that every time I eat out or go somewhere, I have something for my mom as well. Most of the times we are together so when she's not with me, I just buy her pasalubong so I won't feel guilty for not asking her to come with me. I don't know why, but I feel guilty whenever I eat out and my mom or my siblings are not with me. It's as though my conscience is reminding me that I need to bring pasalubong to make up for not having the with me. I honestly felt as though I've just wasted money but I'm also happy at the same time since I got to put with my new workmates. I think they are my circle and I'm really careful not to open up too much since it can taken against me. I once trusted too much and it broke me. I don't want a repeat of yesterday. I know that I've learned enough. Love_16 June 9, 2022 Thursday