December bring Sadness

Its been a great day and another day to share something deep and too personal. Thank for dropping by❣️.

Fasten your seatbelt, we're ready to fly.

December is very fast approaching, thinking that, I felt my heart bleed, sadness take over my well being, absent minded and nothing cares about the surrounding. Just want to release my pain from years ago that I thought was healed from it. I just thought I was ok, I forgive them but when I heard people talking about the upcoming "ber months" I can't help but feel sad and scared.

Sorry for  the unfix series of events in my writing and no pictures included just pure narration. Just want to pour my heart out for the first time from unbearable pain.I am still in the process of improving.

Since I was a child I grew up in a complete family. We celebrate as one. Every Christmas Eve and New  Year coming our father had a principle "celebrations must be in complete family" if one of us is not present, our father will be mad. We also had a Christmas party together with our neighbor's  child. It happens every December of the year. My father died on December 14 due to cancer. First time in my existence we celebrated our Christmas is very unknown to me. It is silent , specifically lights off ,no food on the table and the door is closed thinking that my heart cries because this is not what I expect in December and this is not the December vibes I know. Losing my father in the month of December left a trademark of sadness. Many things happened after a year, the complete family became chaotic and fighting and hatred against each other. It was a year of struggles in my family.

Fastforwarded, two years after losing my father my family tried to reunite again because each heart was healed from losing. December comes when we celebrate but not a complete family because our eldest was abroad, my sister and brother were nowhere to be found. In the end, Christmas Eve and New year are celebrated by me and my mama. Another sad memory that December brings me.

I thought it was the last but no the worst has yet to come. In 2017, it was the month of November where our eldest sister had arrived from abroad. We celebrated my nephew's 2nd birthday, going to the mall treat of our eldest, days after we celebrated my 18th birthday.  December 1 my niece's 10th birthday, December 8 my brother 25 birthday and December 14 my father's death anniversary. Those days and weeks were filled with unforgettable moments overwhelmed by happiness and joy. On December 20 to 21, I was on an outing together with my church mate on the island for 2 days and 1 night with no signal at all. As we finished our activities and ready to sleep, I surprisingly received a text from an unknown number saying "Your brother is dead '' to confirm I called and texted the number. The moment I heard the voice I already recognized that it was my sister's voice, I heard the cries of my family and I was mentally shut down willing to go home just to see it with my own two eyes. As I arrived at home, reality slapped me. I was welcomed with the coffin of my brother surrounded with white lights and white curtains. What hurt me the most was knowing the reason behind my brother's death. He was stabbed by his very own best friend. Forgiveness is given before he asks. My family still craves justice.

Now, knowing that December is coming I can't help but feel scared of what might happen. Sometimes, I wish that December will disappear from the calendar  because it will just bring back all the memories that even the happy memories become sad memories. Right now, the wounds are healed but they remain scars that cannot be forgotten. Hoping that this month of December will be good for us.

• Know who you trust with

• Fight whatever life will thrown

What does December bring you?

JustMaryel sending you love and positivity❣️