Cage of Voiceless

It is the 3rd day of October and I can feel the Christmas vibes co'z the cold breeze. Some houses start decorating for Christmas and the last kids start the caroling. It is so good to reminisce when I am their age. I remember my caroling days when one house gave 5 pesos and collect until it becomes 50 pesos or $1. I feel like I won a lottery already hahaha I missed that feeling. Being innocent and small brings so much happiness. After the carolling we will count the total earnings and divide it with us to buy some biscuits and candies. Reminiscing my childhood memories hit me that I am already an adult hahaha if only I can go back into being a child again without hesitation I will grab it. So much so that I feel like I am too old for it hahaha.

Today, no particular topic, I just do free writing without a timer like I did before. I always believe and doubt myself if I can do it right, no self confidence and being undecided. Those feelings I felt are what I realized I am lacking too much in myself. I always encourage others, give advice and have confidence that they can do it and achieve it. I lack to believe that I can also achieve, maybe not like them but in my own way. Lack of confidence to do more beyond my comfort zone. Worst is the lack of seeing myself as who I am. See my strength, see my own capabilities and see that I can if I do. I am too selfish in myself to give some rest from those things that people expect in me. Their expectations become my burden. Sadly, no one noticed what sacrifice I did to make it happen to the point I forgot my own self knowing.

I become an undecided person because they decide what I should do. No one listens to my voice until my voice fades and is nowhere to be found. Being a go with the flow type person is developed by their voices. That everytime they speak, I must do it and obey with it. They dictate where I should take the path. Following their voices, I become voiceless in my own life. Honestly, I want to shout to hear my voiceless voice and make a decision but they are afraid that I can make mistakes and failures. How selfish they are to zone me into their perfect world and not let me go in reality. I love to make mistakes for me to learn and take failures to strengthen but they did not allow me. So, how could I face the real world if they did not let me experience those things that the real world has?

I took courage to speak up but the moment I did,I just received many questions and ended with nothing. But still I am proud because I tried even if it failed. More attempts and still the same ending. I come to the point to rebel without their knowledge and I succeed. I taste the freedom I want and being out of the cage but still their voices lead my way. I want to bloom in my own way.

Sorry for the random thoughts and an entry without direction. I may now take the rest that my body, mind and heart long for. Time check 6:18 in the evening (Philippine time) and I still need to clear my notification bell before I'll go out and read all your articles hoping I can finish it. Happy Sunday everyone😘😇.

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