Confessions: What am I afraid of?

Hmmm… Well, honestly… The world is too vast, and widely distributed that understanding it in an instance is something we cannot do, but possibly in a lifetime. Still, a lifetime doesn’t guarantee! Wow!

Recalling my growing years… When I was young, I often asked what tomorrow is. Because my consciousness was still developing and I had no idea what tomorrow was? So, I often asked myself that until I understood what it meant.

But still asking what I’d be when… 20th year, the next, and next right after. Until I stopped asking because my mind was already filled with a lot of daily activities, -responsibilities of a single mom.

The truth is… behind the question was actually the fear of the unknown. What tomorrow lies? What will happen to me? What I’ll become? Will I still be around by 20? Definitely, on my 20th birthday, it answered my question. So this is what 20 years feels like, I told myself. Next was, will I reach 30? And now… finally I came to the point, to really answer the question that my body had always known…

Little did I know that little by little it was revealed to me, and now is the time. The fear that’s been lurking deep inside?

My body had always known of my heart problem. It was masked as “bronchial asthma” during the growing years, where every time my body was so tired I cough and eventually got asthma. And eventually pushed my heart to the edge, and here I am at the point of the edge. If only my mom knew but hardly, so I would know how to bounce! Damn! It’s scary!

What do I fear the most? Hmmm… recalling the posts of July or this month about “dying breadwinners”, well… I am part of that statistics! It took me a while to learn that my heart has been the problem and my body has always known it from the beginning of time. My coping mechanism was mama. It felt like I need to defend mama all the time, so… Now?

Like any mom’s greatest fear! Living their kids on their own. Well, I’d like to think I WAS prepared because I had a discussion with the kids… The thought came on an evening in the hospital last June. If you forget to breathe, you are done with. Then a vision appeared, EJ (kuya) will be okay, will be able to land on his feet. However, if I did, I only have 40 days to stay with him and bunso… mind me, I can only watch, can no longer hug or kiss or talk to them and after 40 days, I am gone. And what happens to them when I’m gone? Then, everything sinks in? Realizing that I am gone. They’d be missing me and I’m no longer there to comfort them. Kuya is in a very confusing stage of “adolescence”, and I have been preparing for this time and now bailing off? Holding their hand in the midst of trouble, teaching and guiding them to navigate in the storm. All the effort, goes to waste? My heart was pinched and brought me back to reality.

A confirmation, my heart is the problem. Once stressed it back flows to counter the lapse, causing water on the lungs thus creating artificial coughs and asthma – a coping mechanism indicating the heart is overworked. It’s not easy now I know. Figuring out took me a while and adjusting is almost forever! Although its only been 2 months, where I already have tachycardia “fast heartbeat” = 130 per minute. The next day I had hypotension 90/38, pulse rate 58. Potassium and medicine will assist – as the doctor will put it.

Reading about it heart ailments on google makes my heart tremble every time and I cannot help but react. So, for now, no to reading materials. The scarier it become until I finally figure out the puzzle. As to every bread winner/head of the family/ single mom’s fear, is never easy every time. Some are lost in figuring it out while many continue with the journey, many are finding it out while other are lost in the battle.

August 26, 2022
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