When I face my face

It's been a while since I have faced my face.

I usually pass by the mirror looking the other way. If I stop, I am afraid that I won't like what I see. My face has changed. It has lost color. My eyes are tired. And smile lines on my cheeks that made me look beautiful when I laughed left only a trace to remind me that they used to be there.

The losses we experience change our faces. The eyes turn red from crying, and when the redness disappears, they remain tired, with the lids down. My face is pale and sometimes I have the impression that it is transparent. Everything can be seen through my light skin. That is why I am afraid to look. But I can't look away forever and hide from the mirrors. I have to face my face now.

I knew I wouldn't like what I saw. But I am not scared. I'm not even sorry for myself. That's me. Broken by the pain of losing a person I will never be able to see again. The pain left a mark on my face that I can barely recognize. I don't know myself like this. I have new wrinkles between my eyebrows because I often frown. My eyes are shining, they are always full of tears. It feels like my eyebrows have dropped. They used to be high, maybe because I was looking up. Now I look mostly down. My eyes aren't even completely open. While I am facing my face, one question runs through my mind: why? Why the smile turned to tears? Why do we lose the ones we love? Why is my face no longer the same?

Facing your face is harder than it looks. It is a moment of truth. A moment that encourages or brings you down. What I saw did not bring me down. My face is in line with my feelings. It means I'm honest with myself. I don't hide under a mask because I don't have one. That's me. And that's good. Facing my face brought me relief. I accept myself like this, with my sadness and I go on. I have to go on, there is no way back. Maybe one day I'll see my laughing face in the mirror. And maybe I'll have my funny moments in front of the mirror again. I believe we all have them sometimes. I had them often. I sang in front of the mirror imagining I was at some concert. 😊 I flirted with myself, full of confidence because of the beautiful smile and long lashes. It’s still me even though it doesn’t seem that way. It's me in the new life circumstances that took away those funny moments. Life circumstances change, scars remain, but over time we get used to them.

If I catch myself having funny moments in front of the mirror again, it will mean that I feel better. Maybe I will shine again. Until then, I accept myself as I am and I am ready to face my face again. I'm not scared anymore.

Thank you very much for reading.

The article and the image are original and mine.