When Will My Turn Be? Or Will There Ever Be?

About 4 days ago, I logged in to my Facebook account to see updates on the power outage in our area. The power went out around 6 in the evening and we were already taking our dinner at that time.

A fire broke out in the neighborhood

While preparing the food, I heard a siren and I'm not quite sure if it's fire or an accident. Either way, both are emergency but it turns out, there's a fire two blocks away from our street. The power has to be turned off for safety purposes as they need to put the fire off completely.

I checked the local news page here and it turns out that it was a restobar that was on fire. Good thing no one was harmed.

But that's not what the article is about. The intro was pretty long, my bad.

My high school classmates' wedding

So as I checked my facebook, the first thing that appeared on my timeline was my high school classmates' wedding. They were lovers since 4th year high school. I am so amazed how this couple made it through the years. High school sweethearts, indeed.

Seeing them on those photos makes me emotional. And so I can't help but wonder, when will my turn be? Or will there ever be?

Whenever I see people at my age especially my childhood friends, classmates back in high school or college, I tend to question myself about. What life has in store for me? Will I also find the right one for me and get married?

However, putting myself into that idea gives me a sudden feeling of cringe and worry at the same time. It is because, I don't open myself for any sort of getting to know people or have communication with anyone right now. It tires me and my trust issues are on a different level, if you have been following my articles lately.

So it defeats that idea in purpose. If I'm being honest with myself, I can still see myself experiencing it but with lesser chances. Probably, 70/30. 70% of it not happening and 30% chance otherwise.

The idea of having kids in the future

Now this is something serious that I have to highlight with. The idea of having kids in the future is not really my desire, if ever I'll get married. I just don't see myself taking care of another human knowing that I have the most complicated personality I have ever defined.

There are a lot of factors or reasons why I can't stand having kids of my own. I get irritated in the slightest action anyone would do specially if it's something that is I consider non-negotiable. I am impatient and I get stressed out so easily. I am weak in managing my emotions and it would be an unhealthy environment to grow up with if I manifest those kinds of attitudes.

I don't think I can ever be a mom. Just the idea of being pregnant and dealing with hormonal changes, having problematic and erratic mood swings, all those negative situations scare me already.

I'm someone who values solitude.

I feel like I'm someone who enjoys my own company who's life is at peace when I'm the only one living in the house preparing my own food, where I can watch my favorite tv show with no one to argue which channel should be in, where I put things in order and no one's gonna disorganize or mess everything.

I am such a sensitive person when it comes to my personal belongings. This is going to be a different topic to share with but the whole point of this article is to wonder what life has offered me and it's for me to figure out as time goes.

So when will my turn be? Or will there ever be?

Thanks for reading.

Keep safe everyone!