Oh well, I'm trying to come up with a new one again. I think this is gonna be the 2nd day since I last published an article. Hmmm, kind of setting the tone again but I know for sure it won't be long. There will be hurdles along the way and writer's block is waving every single time. It never gets out of the way, like always.
So, how am I doing with life lately? This is just gonna be a more of freestyle personal writing because it's been so hard lately with how things are happening to me. Frustrations and envy are coming into place and I know I shouldn't feel this way because it's not right but this is how I really feel.
I know I'm being vague right now. Let me clear this up and explain myself why. Good thing I'm on a break right now so I have time letting these feelings out to all of you. You know, readcash has been my solitude. I mean, ever since I discovered this platform, this came out more than serving its purpose.
I find it very therapeutic when you express yourself through writing and the community helps you instead of judging you. That's when I appreciate writing more. As an individual who's very timid and reserved, writing took a huge chunk of load in my heart and mind. So this is home to me, with conviction.
So here's why I am so full of ideas what to write today.
I can't express this enough more than using the "damn" word thing. It highly suggests what I really feel right now.
You guys, especially (noisecash people) probably knew that I have been sick for days now. It's my 5th day of having cough and colds yet I don't really see any significant change or recovery to my body. It frustrates me big time!
As much as I want to, I wanna avoid taking synthetic drugs and just keep myself intact with the herbal medicines but to my dismay, herbs don't work for me anymore. So I had to start over with my medications by taking the synthetic ones.
The reason why my recovery is taking longer than usual is probably because I have been physically tired throughout the day. The past 3 days have been so exhausting to me. Sai-sai, our helper here is a working student. She does all the house chores every day, she's here to make our lives easier to be exact.
However, she goes to school Monday-Wednesday and sometimes Thursday-Friday depending on their class schedules. She'll be in school from 6:30 am to 4:30 pm. So technically, she won't be around in the house the entire daytime.
And so, I had to take over the house chores when she's not around. That's where my patience and strength are being tested. Actually, I'm fine with all these chores it's just that, I'm sick and I should be taking a rest but I got no choice but to move and run the house because no one else will.
I'm glad that Sai-sai has no classes until next Wednesday because those days will be my rest days. In fact, I'm feeling a little nauseous and dizzy maybe because of the ginger tea I took 2 days in a row. It triggered my anemia so that explains why.
I have been dealing with this for a long time already. Ever since we were kids, I saw how different my life was compared to theirs. I would say that they are living more comfortably than my family. Should I say, way more financially capacitated.
That brought me to evaluate myself and asked, "how about you? You're not successful with your life, poor human". Don't get me wrong, I'm completely aware that I'm the only one sending this message to myself but come on, reality hits different.
It's the way you see your relatives living their lives, making a living while me living here like in a prison. My hands are tied, but then again I was thinking, it still end up being a choice because for one, I stayed here to recover from depression and two, I chose not to go back to the corporate world or teaching profession.
I bombarded myself with a lot of what ifs but what can I do, it's all done and the only way to get out of this mess is to stand up and do something to move forward.
I can't really open up to my family about the music I am setting off as a career because for sure they would think it as an unreliable source of income, I mean like any ordinary person would think, only a few succeeded on this path so I can't really blame them.
At the same time, I'm frustrated and pressured because I'm not getting any younger and yet there hasn't been any significant phase in my life I would consider as success, except my redemption given the second chance to live after my suicide attempt.
I have to deal with my regrets everyday, it's a constant choice of letting yourself get drown from the past or standing up with the consequences then move forward.
The whole point of this article?
Adulting is hard and adulting is real!
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Thanks for reading.
Keep safe everyone!