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I knew he was fooling around. I knew he was secretly meeting someone else. I knew he was cheating on me. And I knew he fell out of love. The thing is, he didn't know I knew.
I kept my silence all those years. I watched him and let him lie to my face. My feelings were so strong that I chose to keep silent. I let him fool me. At least that's what he thought -he fooled me. But I think I can say that he didn't really actually fool me. At least not in the way he thought he did. Because I knew. You can say you fooled someone if they didn't know. In this case, I knew... So, maybe I fooled him instead? I fooled him by letting him think I had no idea. I fooled him by making it seem like everything was okay and that I wasn't hurt and by making him think I believed him.
But still, I feel like I'm the one who lost. I feel like he won after all. Because it doesn't matter if I knew. He got what he wanted. He hurt me. He's with her now. He's finally free. Isn't that the reason why he lied? Because he wanted to be with her instead of me? And it happened. Even after I pretended nothing was wrong.
I'm thinking, that maybe fooling him was a bad idea. Maybe I should've given it a good fight. Maybe I should've fought harder. Or maybe I should've used a different strategy. Maybe, if only I was brave enough to stand up for myself, we'd still be together trying to fix things- or maybe not. I don't know. How could I know? I was weak.
I didn't have the courage the confront him. I was too afraid, too selfish. I'm thinking, is it right for me to say I was selfish to myself as well? Because I feel like I was. Can someone be selfish to herself? I mean, it's confusing. I was thinking about my own pleasure. The pleasure of him still around. But at the same time, I was betraying myself. So it kinda felt like I'm my own devil. It was even an accident to catch him in the act that forced me to confront the issue with him. Even after that, I was hesitant to ask at first. I was forced because there's no other way to react other than to, of course, confront him about what's happening.
I feel like such a wimp. I feel so disrespected. And I blame myself for it. I let it happen to me. I let myself down. And I feel even weaker now that even after all that happened, I still want him. I just want to hear him say sorry and just hug me. And I feel like I don't even care if it's sincere. I feel like it's okay as long as I can still be with him. I feel like I can pretend nothing's wrong again just for him to stay by my side again. And I feel like by thinking about all of these, I'm letting myself down more. Like I'm betraying myself again. Like I'm disrespecting myself again. That I can't trust myself.
It hurts. It hurts and all I want is him. And that's what's more painful. It's hard to resist. I just want everything to be okay. I just want to be happy or pretend to be happy with him by my side. I want to stop. But how? I want to close my eyes and just stop thinking. Stop thinking about anything at all. I want to rest. It's very tiring. Sometimes I wish I never met him. But then I take it back. Because thinking not even knowing him hurts. What should I do? How can I move forward? It hurts. It's eating my soul slowly and I can feel its every bite. Stop. Can somebody please make it stop?