March 24, 2021
The clock hits the third spot and deafening sounds released alarmingly. Weak hand stretched out to stop it lazily. Another day has set and the work was calling. Weak body rose slowly and my head spun around as I grabbed the corner of the bed for steady. Orthostatic hypotension almost knocks me down due to a prolonged sleeping position. This has always been my morning problem as I just can't sleep well if not in a supine position.
My phone beeps and a notif appeared on the screen, "Good morning, " Romar greeted me as always. I just ignored it and headed to the lavatory weakly. After bathing under the cold shower, preparing for breakfast, and making a packed lunch has been my morning routine. Living alone was not easy as I need to do things independently, from cooking to cleaning, laundry, and marketing. But I've been used to it since I lived alone since I was in college.
The jacket's on, and everything was packed, ready to face another journey. As I stepped out of the house, I saw a manly figure underneath the lamp post. The man was on a hoodie and hands tucked inside his pockets. I was worried by that time as I thought he was a dangerous man. But I need to go to the office and I don't wanna be late, or else I wouldn't have a chance to get my weekly incentives.
With all my courage I passed by bravely, not minding the man standing at the corner of the street. But when I stepped closer, a familiar figure appeared at my sight, smiling widely while pacing forward to me. I was surprised to saw Romar walking towards me.
"What are you doing here?" I asked
"To fetch you up." He replied.
"Fetch? Do you even have a car?" I joked at him then we continued walking.
"How long you've been standing there? It's cold outside."
"Since 3:30 because I know you wake up so early."
He knows that I'm an early bird as I don't wanna miss the weekly incentives. We talked until we reached the jeepney station.
Walking alone on a dark and quiet street was truly scary. Having a 5 am shift means I need to wake up at 3 am to take a bath, prepare for breakfast and lunch, walk to the station by 4 am, and wait for the jeepney to pass by. And it was quite relieving to walk with someone on the dark street.
I Sometimes feel sleepy on our travel, he will lean my head on his shoulder.
People who saw us may think that we were a couple and we sometimes become the topic of the gossipers in our office, loquacious quick-witted people in terms of gossips and rumors. But we did not care about it, because we were only friends (for me).
Reminiscing the memories with him while writing this second part of the story is quite sad, as I just regretted wasting this man who showed real interest and courted me personally, not just through text.
From that day onwards, he has been my company. From house to the office, office to house or anywhere, roaming around the city or whatsoever. Taking snacks at the nearby mall has been our past time hobby, from afternoon until dawn, as if we don't want to be apart.
Sundays and Mondays were my day-offs and the days to see my family. One Sunday morning, I saw him unexpectedly standing outside our boarding house as he said he wants to take me to the bus station. Aside from bringing me to the station he also filled up my empty stomach. He never wanted me to feel hungry nor sick. Something that I like about him the most.
As the first passenger inside the bus, he stayed and waited for more passengers to hop in. While we were talking about something, he suddenly grabbed and held my hand. Surprised by his action so I pulled out my hand as more passengers hopped into the bus. Instead of feeling good, the past just flashed back in my memory, the man who first held my hand, it was Brian, my ex.
On my way home, I kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing. I kept asking myself if allowing him to patch my wounded heart was the best thing to do. I felt no love for him, but I was happy every time he's at my side. Maybe I was just lonely or something, but one thing I was sure about was, I don't want to hurt him.
One time my family planned to go to the beach near our place and I have mentioned it to him. I was surprised again to read his message that he's on his way to our place. A man who doesn't even know the direction bravely conquered the unfamiliar paths. From Leyte to Samar as we were hundreds of kilometers away from each other.
But what worried me more was his plan to meet my family. Never in my life have I been visited by a man and he was the first one to have the courage to face my family, not even my first love as he was afraid of my soldier father. Street's directions have been told and I was in awe to see him stepping out from the jeep with a box of cake.
A suitor with a box of cake wanting to meet my family, just missing a bouquet and it should have been perfect. Something that any girl wanted to experience in their whole life. He talked with my little siblings as if they were closed for a long time. My mother even entertained him as if she forgot that she doesn't like me to have a boyfriend yet. But seems like everything has changed when they saw a guy courting me personally.
But what saddened me was his plan to resign from our company as he wants to pursue his teaching career. I was not in the right position to hinder his plans because I know it was better than staying at our company while only earning a minimum wage. Even though he's not my officemate anymore, he still visited me during his free time and texted me every day.
Then one day he paid a visit and there was something in him which I did not dare to confront him. As if he wants to say something but only waiting for the right time and the right place. And I was right after all. At the corner of the street just a few walks to my place, he suddenly stopped from walking then he kneeled on the ground. I was surprised and a bit embarrassed by his action and I told him to get up.
But then he said, "will you be my girlfriend?"
And there I was muted and my mind went blank. Instead of answering his question I just dragged his hand to stand up. A jeepney coincidentally came and I told him to ride on it because it was getting late. He looked sad while hopping on the jeepney as he didn't get the answer he wanted to hear from me.
As I continued walking to my boarding house, my mind was still processing what had happened. Remembering his reaction made me feel sad as well, so I grabbed my phone and explained to him my answer to his question. I wasn't ready yet and hoped that he could wait. But ever since that day I rejected him, he seldom texted nor visited me.
A new opportunity knocked on my way that I needed to resign from my job as well. Former officemate recommended me to work on their company that offers a higher salary. After passing the exam and final interview, the resignation was submitted effective immediately.
Romar became busy on his teaching career as well and I was assigned at Cebu City. He finished his practice teaching while I was still in Cebu then he got a place in a school in their town. Communication was still on, but I sensed that his feelings for me started to fade. Maybe he was hurt badly. Until one day I learned that he's already seeing a new girl, his co-teacher.
I kept asking myself, "what have I done?" The song was really true that absence makes the feelings grow fonder and only you will appreciate the worth of someone once he's gone. I missed him but he was with another girl already. I wanted him back but it was too late. Then I told myself, "I should have said yes that night. Maybe we are still together until now. But I told him to wait. Was his feeling for me even real?"
One day he texted me and I just pretended to be happy for him, but deep inside I was sad and missing him. If I could turn back time, I will really do the right thing. But maybe we were not really meant to be, maybe I am destined to be alone forever.
Four years later, while I and my friend were walking in the downtown area, someone grabbed the sleeve of my shirt. It was him, standing at the corner near the computer shop we want to visit. And the only words that came out of my mouth were, "Oh hi." Then I entered the computer shop. I was ashamed to face him that day and neither have I the courage to confess to him everything.
As I looked back, he wasn't there anymore. Perhaps he left because I ignored him again for the second time. The first man who courted me personally. The first man who showed real feelings without malicious motives. The first man to face my family. And the first man I have wasted. He had the right love BUT at the wrong time. Now he's happy with his girlfriend while I was still holding the promise I have said to myself before, "not to fall in love again."
Being single isn't bad at all. But sometimes during the lonely days, I can't stop my mind not to think about the happy past. But I guess, this is my fate, to be alone forever.
(Many said that the first part was too deep, so this time, I made it simple 😊)
Being alone has lots of upsides, but the downsides seem to be a lot heavier to handle for these past months for me. The goal would be to die before I get too old. But then, that's not for me to decide. Now, I'm thinking of terraforming my mindset and emotional structure to handle the days and years that lie ahead. I'm hoping I'd be able to formulate the best plans and methods to deal with the gloomy days of living alone as an old man... in the next decades.