|25th Nov 22|17:58|
Image from Unsplash by Lexie Barnhorn
While looking at my reflection in the water, I could no longer recognize myself. As if I matured too fast despite having a young age in my early 30s. As to when was the last time I mind for myself, I could no longer remember. The responsibilities thrown on my shoulders seem to be always on top priority and I tend to disregard myself. The continuous hustling seems to take a toll on my beauty and it fades too early.
My hands become rough and wrinkles are evident. Greenish lines seem to protrude from underneath my skin and I feel like a crone. Probably I am, as people seem to stay away from me, or is it me who is putting distance from them? As my phone vibrates in my pocket, I get up to resume work. The short break time ends and I have to bear the workload again. My legs are still tired but I have no option but to grind and finish my work before the day ends.
"Have you been to the lake again?" Asks Ed, my co-worker.
"Just a short stroll to get some fresh air."
"Mrs. Chong is looking for you. Expect the unexpected."
Today, the 21st of the month is my payday, and I am looking forward to getting my small salary. But something unexpected may happen, as Ed warned me.
Inside Mrs. Chong's office, she slumps an envelope on her table. While counting the cash, I know some are missing.
"But Mrs. Chong..."
"Two advances, one absent, what do you expect?" She cuts my words.
"What about my overtime?" I retorted.
"And what about your loan for your brother's hospitalization last month?"
I walk out heavily and my mind just gets tangled as to how I could make up for shortcomings. Bills are waving and are even more than my resting hours. My sister's graduation is coming and more expenses are expected to arrive as well.
After leaving the office, I track the usual route to where my next duty will take place. Three small knocks hit the door and a sympathetic woman greets me hospitably.
"How are you, Maria? Are you not taking a break? Tomorrow is your rest day if I'm not mistaken." Says Mrs. Chin.
"Not a single chance Mrs. Chin. There are shortfalls I need to make up." I answer.
"I understand. But you have to care for your health as well."
"I know Mrs. Chin. Thank you for your concern."
"Anyway, my father is waiting in his room. You can sleep after doing necessary things for him."
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Office Assistant during the day and a Caregiver at night. This has been my daily routine for years since my father left us and responsibilities were passed onto me. Taking a long break seems to be out of my timetable since then and my body seems to be accustomed to it.
After my duty the next day, I walk back home feeling sleepy, my head spinning, and feeling a pang of pain in my heart. It's attacking again and I am uncertain of how long I could bare the pain.
At the doorstep is my mom waiting for my arrival with both arms on her waist.
"Where have you gone last night Maria? The bills are waiting and about to be due today." Says my mother in her stern tone.
"Sorry, mother. It slipped my mind. I had my night duty at Mrs. Chin's house. By the way, here's some cash for the bills this month."
She grabs the envelope hastily and then walks out.
Inside our house is my little brother lying on the sofa. My poor brother became fatherless at a very young age and hadn't even seen our father's face before he stepped into this world. My sister comes out of her room to prepare for school. Six months from now, she'll be climbing up the stage and I hope I can still witness it before things get complicated.
"Hi Ate (older sister), you look unwell. Are you okay? Did mother take your money again? Why can't she work too instead of playing mahjong."
"Don't mind it. I just need some sleep."
She seems to be not satisfied with my answer as she locks eyes with me. As if trying to read what's at the back of my mind.
"Don't worry Ate. Soon, I'll lift some of your burdens!" She explains feeling proud of herself.
"But Ate, can I ask for some cash for our book."
She storms out of the house after getting what she wants as if hiding something in her sleeve. From the kitchen are my two brothers brawling and shouting at each other.
"What will you do now? How will you pay for it?" Shouts Vic, the older one.
"Ate will." Robert, the younger one answers. As if they didn't notice me.
"Hey! What is it again this time?" I yell at them.
"Ate. He broke Bri's bicycle and now Mrs. Lau is demanding payment." Vic explains.
"Do you guys think I have a lot of money?"
"You have two jobs Ate." Says Robert.
"Exactly! I have two because one isn't enough!" I suddenly answer in a raising tone.
"Did you give money to Lovely again for her book? How many times did she buy a book? Did you see any of those? And are you sure she will graduate this year?" It seems like Vic spit a bean that shouldn't be.
"What do you know? And how about you? When will you look for a job just to at least feed your ass and help me here?"
"This ass was drunk again last night Ate." Robert was about to say more but Vic hit his head to shut up.
"Enough!" I shout and ran to my room.
I enter my room and the world seems to spin suddenly. On the edge of my bed, I hold on tightly until I regain my equilibrium. But a throbbing pain in the back of my head continues. I throw my body onto the bed and silently cry with no tears in pain until I get hold of it. After a while, I feel a slight movement on my bed and a peck on my cheek.
It was July, my seven years old youngest brother.
"Ate, are you okay? Don't worry. I'll grow fast so I could help you."
"Ate is okay. Thank you."
The comfort of his hug put me at ease and I feel grateful for at least, there is someone different in my family. If our dad didn't only leave us, our life wouldn't be tough.
"I'll go out for a walk, can you be a good boy here? Don't go out okay?"
"Yes, Ate."
After walking down a long stretch of road, I found myself entering a wrought iron fence and passing through headstones of the same sizes and shapes. In the end, this is where I aim to stay for a while. For some reason, I feel more comfortable staying with the deceased than with living souls.
Image from Unsplash by Marco Rickhoff
The chalky dust spreads as I wipe the withered leaves off the graveyard and I lay down next to the headstone facing the sky. The tranquility of the cemetery helps me find my lost self again while in the middle of nowhere.
"Dad. Why did you leave us too early? Why is life so unfair? Why does someone who does good need to suffer more? Can I be rebellious like others? Maybe people at home won't rely on me."
I wanted to cry but tears seem blocked behind my eye ducts. They aren't coming out when I need to alleviate this pain.
"Dad. Can I just come to you instead? I'm tired and want to rest too. But who will they rely on when I'm gone? They are like lost sheep that need to pasture back home. They became lost when you died. And I'll soon follow you. Like father, like daughter, aren't we?"
A throbbing pain runs from my temporal to the back until it covers my entire head. My chest rattles and something is coming up my throat. I cough productively and red blotches paint my hand. This is when my hankie comes in handy.
The pain is getting worse and I raise my hand to the sky. My vision gets blurry I couldn't see blue anymore but rather white foggy patches of clouds.
"What will happen to them when I'm gone, Dad? Or maybe I need to fall so they'll learn how to fly. Will I see you soon Dad?"
Image from Unsplash by Jeremy Perkins
My doctor's voice from 5 years ago echoes in my mind.
"Brain Cancer that would possibly lead to the terminal stage."
"Doc, do I have a chance of survival?"
"You need to seek medical treatment soon, or else, there'll be no chance of survival and your life might end in 5 years."
5 years. It's been five years that I've been enduring the pain. Even if I want to get better, there is no chance of treating myself, because it isn't my top priority.
The pain gets worse when I just wrap my head with my arms and coil my body in dad's graveyard. My senses are fainting but my heart beats faster. I can't take it anymore. I just want to close my eyes.
Then everything gets dark.
As I open my eyes, all I see is white. My mind thought that I am in heaven so I wander my eyes to look for any sign of my dad. There I see a figure of a woman in a white dress. My vision is still blurry and I can't figure out who she is. Then I feel the pain in my head again and I move. Thus, I'm not dead yet.
"Ate, stay still. You are not fine yet."
It was lovely and I see my family in the corner of the room. My mother is staring at me, but this time, with a worried face.
"Where am I?"
"In the hospital Ate. The cemetery caretaker saw you unconscious lying in Dad's graveyard."
Image from Unsplash by Stephen Andrews
I was expecting my mother to get mad.
"Sorry, mother."
"Don't keep any secret anymore. We all know now."
"I thought you guys won't care about me."
"Don't say that, we are family. I should be the one to say sorry for being an irresponsible parent. It's not too late yet. Let's take that small chance of survival. I believe in miracles. Please, hold on to your faith."
"Sorry Ate." Says Lovely and the rest of my siblings come to hug me asking for an apology.
"Don't ever leave us Ate." Says our youngest and everyone bursts into tears.
I feel my throat closing up and the tears that have long gone well up in my eyes. They roll down my face profusely and I couldn't explain what I am feeling. Real happiness and relief.
The end...
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Very well written 💙