I Thought I am Tough, But I am Not

Life is indeed a turmoil of struggle and pain. It never make you happy without feeling the pain. You have to fight and be firm in facing those challenges that comes in your way.

I don't know how many times I wrote an article about life, its challenges and not on giving up. I can't even count.

"If life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reason to smile. "

That's my favorite quote. It encourage me to fight and never give up. But today, I breakdown.

I am the kind of person who never surrender. I faced every challenges I've been encountered. I fight. Even though sometimes its tough.

The last time I felt lost was way back 2017. To be more specific, September 24, 2017. That was the time I took up the Licensure Examination for Teachers. I felt depressed. Why? Because I thought I might failed the exam. It was so hard that I felt crying. Six months? Seven months? I took up review but the day of examination, the questions are way to far from what I've reviewed. I lost the confidence to pass the exam. On my way home, thought keep appearing in my mind, but one thing keeps on popping in my mind, that I might failed it.

With heavy heart, mind and steps, I walked towards our house, I saw my mother waiting. Even I am meters away from our house, she shouted, "How was the exam?" I just smiled until I reached our house and replied, "I might failed the exam." I know my mother noticed my depressing voice. With a serious looked on her face she said, "It's okay. You can take it again next year. " That sentence makes me want to burst out crying but I stopped myself because I don't want my mother to felt sad about it. From then on, I thought to myself that I need to find a job as soon as possible. I need to help my mother. She have done so many things for as and I want her to take a rest and enjoy her life too.

And that was the start of my journey as an adult.

I decided to find a job in the city, I applied as a customer service in a BPO company. I am scared and nervous but I let it go. I endured it. What's important if a job, I need it. I badly need it. Luckly, I was hired. I was trained for almost three months. Being a call center agent was a though job, (well there's no easy job after all). Nightshift was so difficult. Its killing me but not literally. During my months of working as a call center agent, I was so stresses. I barely eat. I went to office everyday with heavy footsteps. The feeling of going because you need to and not because you want to. That's what I felt that time. And I wanted to quit, but I can't.

Month of November, the examination result was been announced. Since, I have worked at night, during day I spent my time sleeping. It never came to my mind that the results was out. I received a messages coming from my friends saying "Congratulations". I don't have any idea what are they talking about. They said that I passed the exam and I am now a teacher. I don't believed them actually cause the thought of passing the exam was I think impossible. I thought probably they were teasing me. But not until my mother called me. She said the word "Congrats you passed! " I don't know but I felt mixed emotions. After that call I search my name on web, and there I saw it. I really did passed the exam.

After knowing it, I slowly thinking to quit my job as a call center agent and focus on my chosen career, and so I did. I look for private schools and applied. After my interview at the second school where I applied, I was hired. I am happy because this is the job I only wanted. I signed a contract for three years and started my work as soon as the school year started.

As a first time teacher, its been difficult but I never complained because I love what I am doing. As I am enjoying it, I never noticed that time flies really fast, and this year, 2020, supposedly my last year in the school I am working to.

We all know that this year was tough. The Covid -19 pandemic was hitting the different sides of the world. And as a private school teacher it was do tough. I can't stop thinking that any minute I might lose my job. The Department of Education decided to shift the learning into online learning, public or private schools. Many parents transferring their child/ren to public schools, saying that it also the same since the learning will be online. I've been anxious.

Four months of lockdown due to pandemic was a depressing scenario plus the thought that I might lose my job. Its tough... Very tough.

Luckily the school I was working decided to continue even if the numbers of enrollees was little. We prepared and study on how to do the online class. Attending webinars, practicing the site, working with lesson plans, and making modules that's all we're doing. I'm exhausted but I endured it. Even my eyes irritates due to too much used of computer I still continue to do my task. Even I lacked of sleep. I endured it all.

I thought I was tough. But tonight, I realized I am not.

After so many days of working, I breakdown. I was crying while writing this article.

Tonight, around 7 pm, we had a meeting with my co -teachers and principal. The principal asked as if we decided to continue or resign and she will close the school. From the very moment I was torn, whether to continue or to resign. You know I am not on the right state of mind right now, I am exhausted. I am stressed. I don't know what to answer to her question. Half of my mind says go and half of it says no. I called my mother and asked her, she said go home but its still up to my decision. I asked my sister too and they said I should resign too.

I am so stressed. This pandemic is making me feel it plus the exhaustion of work. This stressed leads me to depression.

I love my job, but I can't go on. I need a rest. I need to regain myself.

With a heavy heart, I decided to quit.

Did I make the right decision??

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