Leave, It's Not Worthy

It was really a toxic. Everyday we have always a fight. We always shouted each other. The relationship that I could never ask for. I always cried. Everyday I always lock in my room. He threw me a painful words. I always lying at my bed. Looking at the ceiling and always asking myself.

I always talked to God. I always asked what was the best way I'm gonna do. I always cried and asked him a guidance.

A lot of questions stilled in my mind.

Can I stop now?

What I'm going to do?

Is this enough?

I was out of myself because I was so scared whatever my decision was. I afraid that I would regrets at the end. I love him but he was too much. He was really strict. I didn't have a freedom. I didn't like his attitude everytime we have a fight. I was always hurt everytime he held my hands with a force and it will make a dark mark.

Sometimes we didn't fight too. He was good but the problem when the time we were in a quarel scenarios. I couldn't take it. I didn't expect his attitude. I just want to be happy. I want to have a peaceful relationship. I know that it's normal having a fight but when it comes about us I think it was over the limit.

Our relationship wasn't healthy anymore that time. The problem I have, I chose to countinue it. I expect that he will change. I expect everyday. I want to started again the way we use to be before. I fixed myself to be a good partner again. Honestly I was change because of his attitude that's why I learned to fight him and I learned to shouted him back everytime we fight. It wasn't me but he change me on that attitude. The reason I started to go back my old self. I prayed that he will change also.

I promise myself that we will start again. I talked to him regarding that things I want. We were at peace that time. He understand me and we promise each other. I was really happy. I couldn't explain what I've felt because of the happiness I have. It was the time, I felt something different. I felt the real joyous moment in my whole life with him. He makes me an endless smiles.

After 2 weeks, I cried in my room again. I thought he will change but I was totally wrong. I expected too much. The problem I have because I was expecting a big changes. I believe in him with his words that full of promises. The problem he became worst, he hurt me not only emotionally but physically. It was the time, I locked myself at room and never see him. I was in a trauma. I was really scared to see him. I couldn't believe that he will do that things to me. He punched my stomach that time. I cried and someone saw me there. I was really thankful that they brought me in the hospital immediately.

After 1 month, I was shocked because he did a visit to me. My parents were shocked also. He down at the floor and cried. He tears a lot and asking forgiveness. He regrets what he did, he said. He make an apologize. He always ask forgiveness how many times but I was emotionally didn't accept it because I couldn't still move on about what he did. I was deeply hurt. It was a traumatic scene. Before he walk outside he ask forgiveness again but still I didn't forgive him. I wasn't ready that time and that moment I don't want to see his face. My body was shaking when I saw him. All what he did to me was flashing back that's why I told my parents to make him leave in the house. Everyday he sent me a letter with apology. I didn't replied it. Still I didn't forgive him.

"I know there is a perfect time for forgiveness. The time that I am totally ready and forget everything. Now I don't want to. I am happy now with my life. I am only focusing at my work. After I've been through finally I commit the happiness that I'm wishing for!"

This is only a fictional story...

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Thank you so much. I hope I give you some thoughts with this article of mine.

God bless everyone. Stay safe always.🙏

-JRamona20 💜