Not In my Usual Self

March 28, 2022

Today is Monday and the start of my week at work, but I am not comfortable. There is something inside me that wants to get out. It is not an air or something, but it is about my feelings at this moment that I want to pour out. I am sharing this to my best friend on messenger and unfortunately she is feeling the same so she failed to help me to completely make this feeling disappear. It is getting stronger. I am totally irritated, feeling close being angry and the discomfort is huge I can't function normally. I know I am over reacting, I will not deny it and it is giving me a hard time.

Since I'm feeling this one, I decided to write it in here, thinking that if I share it on this platform, all the feelings that are still inside me will be gone in a minute. This feeling will never help me to survive this day with all the task I will be doing at work today. It is the week of cut-off so expect that there will be lots of work to do, even at the end of the day. But anyway, what is the reason why I am feeling this way?

I found out last night that the schedule flight of BTS going to LA, to attend the Grammy on April 3, is tonight. They will be having a long flight going to the US and they will be staying up until they finished their concert in Las Vegas, which ends on April 16. It is exciting for Army as they have another concert that we will be looking forward too, but the feeling that they are not in Seoul is what makes my discomfort.

I told you I am over reacting about it, you can say so. BTS doesn't know me and might not care about me because they care about their fans in general as an ARMY and not for specific person, but I am acting like a girl friend here feeling sad about her bias going out of the country and meeting with new people. I totally jealous. Just like my bias in BTS, Jungkook, I am totally possessive and that is exactly why I am feeling like this.

Of course, I want them to fulfill their work. They have series of concert there. ARMY that has capability of watching them in Las Vegas are all so lucky, while the poor ARMY that is ME, will be depending their viewing on the link provided by good and loving Army that will go on live during the concert. They are so lucky! I am thinking, when will it happen to me? When will I see them in concert? I am doing a manifestation and affirmation that one day will become part of the Purple Ocean but every time other ARMY have a chance to see them, I look down on myself. Is there a chances? I will do my best if there is a chance, but right now, I am not feeling good at all.

As they are leaving tonight, for sure Twitter will be very busy with all ARMY sharing their airport outfits. I might saved all their pictures, but I will feel sad, I will feel bothered, scared and separation anxiety. Yes, over acting again but that is me and I know I am not the only one feeling this way. Most of the overseas fans are feeling the same but we are always happy for the achievements of BTS. I am just feeling that there are lots that happened to them already and I am totally left behind. I know what will happen to my feelings for the next coming days and I am not liking it. I wonder how will I handle my heart...

Hi sponsors and readers, even if I am not in my usual self, I just find comfort for your support to my writing journey. I am always grateful.

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