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Hello everyone! As usual, I am still late in making this article because I had a Me time earlier. I also have an intense pain from my lower back, to my butt, down to my legs. When I sit down, it is hard. It is more harder when I stand up from sitting. I cannot walk comfortably too. Now I am worried how will I commute in this situation?Do you have any idea what is happening on me? Sciatic nerve or sprain is the nearest to the symptoms and some of my friends are thinking I have slip disc. It will only be answered with a visit to a doctor.
Yesterday, I was cleaning the storage of my phone and I saw some of my selfie. I really cringe of what I look like. I am not confident with what I look like. I always think I look awful that is why I do not try to change or I will change and be inspired to do it, but I will stop in the middle when I am seeing no progress.
That is the word I describe myself yesterday. I was even laughing at myself because I a person who doesn't know how to selfie. For sure in the future, I will make a selfie that is either I am capturing my back, or I will put my hands in my face to hide it. To be honest, I am not really look awful but compare to my good looking friends, I am. I look like I don't care about myself. Some says I look okay, but I want to look good. Unfortunately, I cannot see it.
While deleting mostly my selfies, and laughing at myself from what I look like, I realized that I am my own Bully. I am bully myself. My friends bully me in a funny way, yet they are the ones that uplift me. Too sad that I am hard on myself. I am talk to myself harshly. I told you I am a pessimistic person and I can only function when I am feeling negative. When I am positive minded, I will just wait for something to happen, i will now work hard to achieve something. Because of that, I even influence my mind to believe that I am not worth of a beauty.
I thought I already overcome this. I have some selfies that I feel happy because I look good but the selfies I saw yesterday were forced and the smile is not genuine. I think I just do it because I saw someone's selfie and I try to do it, but it doesn't look good on me. What I need is to work on myself not comparing myself to others. I need to believe that everyone of us are truly unique and we have our own beauty. I need to believe that I have that too.
I was watching Memo 2021 and I read on subtitle when Jhope of BTS told the members that their mindset is wrong. There was something that had happened that lead them to making mistakes, but it was a funny one. Then Jhope said, "your mindset is wrong". I realized that words are for me too. My mindset is wrong. I need to work on my mindset slowly and learn to know how to love myself. However, I know I love myself. I make myself happy. I make myself satisfied. My only problem is the lack of confidence to bring myself up and to stop bullying my own self whenever there are good things that is happening around me and it is not happening on me.
I already have a solution to this poor mindset I have. Since I talk to myself all the time (only in mind), I need to change the dialogue. I don't have the series of dialogue but I have the simplest for now and that is what I will be saying to myself every morning.
" No matter what happens to you, good or bad, you are worthy of life and love. No matter what you look like, you are unique. What you are now, is the best version of yourself. Keep up the good work"
That came from me. That is what I accomplished yesterday after bullying myself. I feel sad from what I am doing with myself and I get tired of having it as a habit. I will not promise I will get heal soon, but my healing process will be slow but magical.
Before I end this, I was laughing wholeheartedly about what my BFF Diane told me on the chat earlier. She said that her Vacation leave on December 4, this year, is already approved. I was shock to know that, but when I realized what it is all about, I blurted a laughter and chatted her back, cursing her in a funny way. She said she looks like a wife that preparing for her husband's birthday. If you are a BTS fan, you know who's birthday on December 4. Someone is turning 30 years old!! It is no other than Seok Jin of BTS. Anyway, we need to celebrate Jimin's birthday first, lol.