Guilt and Grieve

November 5, 2022

As much as I want to share this story yesterday, my mind cannot cooperate. I was really sad, and until now still sad and haven't move on. I am trying to be okay. I am also thinking of sharing this story and always have second thoughts because I know I will be judged. I am doing this today to pullout the heaviness in my chest and to move forward from the things that I don't have control. Let me start the story.

Two weeks ago, my sister decided to help a stray dog. We regularly see him in the street greeting us. He is so kind. His situation troubles us as he has wounds on his nose. It has puss already and very fresh. From what I observed, I think it develop into a tumor. Lately my sister found out that it is a TVT. TVT is cancerous tumor that could spread in different dogs. This dog has it and it is not good that he is roaming around.

Fast forward, with the help of my sister (contacting shelter and some private dog lovers) this dog has been rescued. He was transported with the care of the woman that has 65 dogs. From my sister's behind story, this woman is taking care of 65 dogs and counting and is depending on support of pet lover people online. Lately, I was hearing from my sister that they had misunderstanding. I failed to know the sequence of events and last Thursday the story is this, the dog died while transporting going to another shelter.

My sister said that during that day, and even on Wednesday, she kept on contacting the new shelter that will help the dog but they are not replying to her messages. The only messages she had was the dog got weaken and died. At first, we were on denial about that, maybe the dog died because someone euthanize it or hurt the dog. The shelter have bad reputation according to some comments and I am wondering why my sister allow the dog to be in that shelter. I found out that she didn't allowed it but a certain person decided for the dog since she knows the owner of the shelter.

The second denial is, maybe the dog is still alive. I told my sister to have someone to capture of the picture or video of the dog if it really dies. I am wondering too why I have that thoughts, but it kept on bugging me that it could be possible so at least it should be proven.

During that time I can feel that my heart is going to explode. I cannot believe that we are trying to save a dog's life and it dies during the process. We were kind of confused of whom to believe and there is a person online blaming my sister and that is the lady with 65 dogs. We were frustrated and at the same time losing hope.

Yesterday, while I am on work, my sister called me through messenger. She was crying. She said that she killed that dog. She was blaming herself, that if she didn't gave that dog to that lady, he might be alive up until now. She already saw the video of the dog and it seems that the dog got weaken and just died or the dog just let himself died. Yes, dog and cats can stop their heart if they want too. She shared what the dog look like. His stomach is in and the chest is expanded. I have the instinct that the dog decided to end his life because he is no longer comfortable where he is and was too scared. Also, his health situation triggers his depression that he decided to end it all, but at the same time, who am I to say that. Maybe his time is up or the tumor really become severe, I remember he was diagnosed of heart worms too. Only the dog can tell the whole story of what really happen to him.

After we talk on the phone, I went to the ladies room and cried. I cried it all out there. I was in grieve. First, it was really painful to know that you are trying to save a dogs life but it dies. We are a failure. Second, it hurts to hear my sister's cry and the words she had said about herself. She is blaming herself. She made the wrong decision. I kept telling her that we really don't know what will happen, but now we know and we learned the lesson the hard way. Third, I feel guilty too. I have the instinct that whatever my sister is doing is not a good idea but I didn't step up to stop her. I have faults too. Fourth, the one that really made me cry is that we sacrifice a life of a dog for a useless act. I felt that we didn't help him, we just pushed him to be depress and choose death. I was screaming his name and crying. I am so regretful. We pretend to be good in saving animal's life when we don't anything. We thought we helped him but we just make things worsen for him. I don't know how long will it take to hold this grieve but up until now I am feeling it and there is no other feeling left in me but regrets, being guilty, blaming myself and grieve.

I feel pity for the dog. I kept on saying his name and saying sorry. I hope he forgive us. I hope he is indeed in peace. He should be roaming around the street and living his good life despite the TVT if we didn't intervened. You know the amount of grief I have, it is bigger than my life span and I feel like dying inside. I need to end this for the meantime since I am still crying. I feel like I am a bad person.

All original content by @Grecy095

All images are from Unsplash