December 13, 2021

This morning while, just before I had my lunch, my sister send me a message that she needs the number of San Juan De Dios Hospital. That is the only message she gave me. From experience, every time there is a question about the hospital from family, friends, and relatives, I always feel someone is in rush to get to the hospital. From experience, it holds for my family. It was twice already that it happened to me. I am the person they contacted to rush someone to the hospital because they know I can call. That message of my sister earlier gave me panic attacks. She did it unintentionally but it gave me panic attacks already.

The experience when it comes to asking the phone number of the hospital gives me anxiety. I got anxious because when I asked my sister what is this for, she didn't answer. I call her on her mobile, she didn't answer. I contacted her through messenger and chats and even on some of her social media, she didn't answer. I contacted my brother, he didn't answer as well. What do you think I would feel?

There are a lot of imaginations already crawling in my brain. I got to thinking that they are in the rush at home because there is an emergency that they cannot attend to calls. I begin to think that maybe it is my mother or my brother or anyone at home. The imagination of a horror scene is already in my head and I can't breathe. I kept thinking "no not again" and I don't want that kind of scene again.

Despite the hardship and struggle of breathing, I still try to call them but they do not answer at all. I remember I can call my brother through Instagram and good thing, he answered immediately. I asked him what is happening at home and he said there is nothing. I asked everyone's whereabouts and his answer is my mother is at home, while my sister is out, doing a grocery.

It was a relief but it is already late. I feel like vomiting and I went to the restroom. I vomit a lot. All of the food from my breakfast was all put out of my system. I was feeling weak but still holding the phone and trying to call my sister since she is the one that is out and it is still not safe to be relieved as she is not answering. I got out of the restroom but still, the pain in my stomach was sharp. I cannot walk.

I called my sister and suddenly she answered in a text message. She said that she is only asking if I can give her the number of San Juan De Dios Hospital because she needs to follow up a letter from them. That is the only time I got relieved completely. Oh my, she doesn't know what I had gone through. Now I feel sick.

Now I realized I was not a graduate of Anxiety Attacks. Anxiety attacks will kill me, it will be the death of me. Some people don't realize how hard it is when someone is experiencing it. Yes, you can ask for help or someone could help you, but the thing is, there is a demon attacking your brain and telling you to worry more and panic more until your last breath. Overthink is also one of the culprits. I realized I have been moved on from having it and I will have it again if there are the same circumstances. This is serious.

I am helping myself. I am aware of this, but not of the gravity and its deepness. Now, I know that I am not free from anxiety attacks and I need to do what I need to do just to be able to come out alive whenever there are circumstances.

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Moving on, it is good that there is no problem at home and I don't have anything to worry. Thank God that my brother answered my call and my sister answer through text messages because if not, I will be come rushing at home just to know what is really happening.

I hope people who are experiencing Anxiety attacks have some relieved immediately once it started. It is a feeling of a near death experience to all of us. It is not a joke. This situation is really serious so I hope we all can able to find solution and cope up.

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