June 27, 2022

Hello guys, girls, boys, gays, whatever you stand for I support you. Today is just a normal tiring day but I am thankful because there were lesser work, but expect a lot for tomorrow because the Sales people will going to force to meet their quota sales, so we will get stress and pressure at all as part of Supply Chain. That is the part of my job that I really hate. When I hate something, I'm kind of stubborn and delays everything, you know, attitude. I refrain from stressing myself or I will go one of the Dinosaur in Jurassic Park.

So for today's video, nope, for today's article rather, (here in the Philippines everyone is using the word "for today's video" even if they are not in the video, so I'm using it too). Do not expect a video from this article, that word is just a trending word in the Philippines.

I am now at home, doing this draft and hopefully I finish what I started. Earlier at work I said that my day is fine, lesser work and I got home late but its okay. There is a certain incident that made me sad. Actually it started at 2am earlier while watching Kim Taehyung, Lisa and Park Bogum as a guest in Celine Fashion Show in Paris. While watching the live, I was chatting with a good friend on Instagram. She was giving some information but it is confidential so I will not share it.

She was sharing a chat of this certain person and this person shared some plans he wants to do, moving forward. I felt sad instantly after learning about that, but I didn't entertain the feeling because I want to sleep after watching the live broadcast. So I slept. When I woke up, I have the same feeling like 15% sad because I still able to talk normally and I still focus on going to work. Not being lazy just like before.

I went to work and chatted with my BFF. Actually at home I started sharing the story to my Bff already. When I went to work, while sharing more about this person's story, I cried silently while doing my work. I become okay after a minute, and still we chatted more. Then I felt that my BFF seems doesn't care to what I feel because I told her that I felt sad and I just cried. She seems ignore it and chatted something. The another BFF joined us (we are three pigs!) chatted and I entertain her.

The first BFF shared that she is excited for their upcoming family activities somewhere in South Luzon and with all enthusiasm, the other BFF is going there too I am not sure if they are on the same day. I told them that I didn't go to our outing, if they will be having a beach escapade, both of them, now I regret not going to our outing. The first BFF said that it is my disgression if I will attend our outing or not, I have my personal reason why I didn't attend actually. What she made me feel was or maybe she wanted to say is, you are the one who decided to not go to the outing, it's not my fault. She didn't say it exactly, but the feeling she gave me is the same as that. The the other BFF was very thrilled but she mentioned that we will have our own outing someday.

After that, I didn't get back to our chatroom. I deactivated my Facebook account and uninstall Messenger. I just felt sad. I just felt that no one from them understand what I am feeling right now. I am sad about the decision of someone and I am sad that I want to go to the beach too, as my bffs are going, but it seems they don't care about my frustration. They don't have faults though, I am not starting an argument or asking them to understand me, but what I am trying to say is, can they atleast make me feel okay. Since they are busy with that plans, I uninstalled my messenger. Actually I plan to deactivate my messenger too but I don't know how. Do you know?

What is about that 40% Sad I've written as a title. I have a corresponding percentage to my sadness, loneliness, sorrow or anything you want to call that. When I am 15% Sad, I am still normal, like, it is normal for me. I am always 15% sad and never 100% happy. I am scared if I am happy. I can be only happy by 80% and it will not last half day.

When I am 40% Sad, it means there is personal deeper reason why, but I can function all over. I can still laugh, share a joke, share a story but with 12% crying on the side. 12% crying on the side means, I cry whenever I feel sad or hurt but it doesn't last a minute. I am still sad and I have it in my system. When I starts to laugh, I will stop immediately because I will remember I am sad, or I am hurt.

When it is 60% sad, for sure, I can still function but I will entertain the sadness. When you share to me a happy news, I will smile, I will congratulates you, but nothing changes, I'm still sad. Mostly I want to be busy when I am 60% sad.

When it is 80% is is risky already on me. There are serious reason and it could last for a week. I can function by 60% but I am prone to mistake. I am not happy at all. Most of the time I am just lying in bed, crying, listening to music and I will not talk to anyone.

Now, the percentage is still 40%. Anytime soon, I will able to get used to the feeling and it will fade away. I really hope there is a Happy or exciting news I will get for tonight to make it fade away. Entertaining sadness is not a good thing so don't be like me. Move forward and be positive. I wonder why it is hard for me to do that?

Images from Unsplash