My Pain for My Eldest

When I had my first born she was unexpected, unplanned but never unwanted. Someone I never expected to actually arrive in my life though I dreamt of having but it was never in a perfect time. I was still trying to start a career and enjoy my life while preparing for my siblings future. I was still trying to work on loving myself and planning to explore places, gain experiences.

But then, when she arrived everything was in chaos.

I got no savings.

I got no plans.

When I went to delivery room I only have 10k or like around $200 in my wallet without knowing I will have to undergo C-Section.

After 4 months of maternity leave of which I have never really enjoyed because from those moments there were more tears, stress plus I got drowned of debts because I got no salary by that time and my partner doesn't have work so I focused again on my career. Spending less time at home and more time at work doing overtimes to earn more.

I was not around and not so conscious that she may need me but all I wanted is really just to make sure not to make her eat rice paired by sugar in a meal or maybe drink MILO instead of milk. I wanted to secure her needs.

I feel guilty.

I feel guilty because by the time that we are supposed to focus on her, I instead had another baby. I never feel bad for having my 2nd child. I was even ecstatic because having been able to deliver a baby gives such a wonderful feeling but then it was too late for me to realize that my eldest would have lesser time with me and I have to sacrifice my time to look after her since she got a sibling that I needed to focus on.

My heart cries silently for her when she has to give the pillow she loves to her sister just because her sister would cry not having it. I bleed when there was a time that I have to give more attention to her sister than her. I feel more pain seeing her getting scolded or spanked by her dad because she's becoming an attention seeker.

There are times that me and my partner forgot that she was just 4 years old. Like those times when I got so stressed and scold or screamed at her for not letting her sister borrow her toy when I know she wants to play with it.

I have been reminding myself that my eldest is still a baby and that I shouldn't be asking her to understand her sister because she isn't old enough to understand moreover, it is just so unfair for her.

My eldest is very sweet.

Whenever we eat our meal she would be the one to get a chair for me and have me sit on it because she knows I am always tired.

When I got sick, she would hug me and put a blanket on my body then kiss me. Not a day would pass by that she wouldn't be telling me, "I love you Ma!".

I feel bad whenever I am working at home then she would suddenly appear on my side and ask something that I couldn't even listen because I am so busy, then I would only notice her when she's walking away.

My Dearest Gheia Eraine,

You might be thinking as to how did I come up with your name.

Well, first and foremost, my main goal is to make sure that when you get an NBI you won't be HIT. LOL! You may not understand it yet but when you start to look for a job surely you might thank me. Haha

But really, your name Gheia comes from the name of the Goddess of Earth Gaia or Gaea but if you try to read and translate it in Visayan dialect it means GUIDE.

Your second name Eraine comes from the Japanese word Erai which means superior, great.

Though, it may have a different meaning now but you mean every good things to me. I have also thought before of having your second name as HERA as the Goddess of Marriage but then I changed my mind.

My love, I am not so sure if I would still be around when you get to read this or if you would ever have a chance on doing so but say that you do I want you to know that I love you with all my heart.

I love you on my bad days even when I shout at you.

I love you on those days when I have to spank you.

I love you on those days when I do not want you near me because I have so much in mind.

I love you on those days when I was never beside you.

If only I could stay at home to take care of you and your sister all the time I would be happy. Lucky are those who has a good provider for a partner but then, I do not feel like we are unlucky though, it is just that our lives work differently so we have to endure.

Thank you Anak, because at a very young age you learn to love your sister and care for her. Thank you for understanding Mama and thank you for those I love you's, the hugs and kisses, you may never knew but it keeps me going up to today.

You and your sister are my greatest treasure. My heart belongs to the both of you so I hope that as you grow older you continue to care for each other even when I am not around. I hope that you would stick together and be strong to face the world.

I am sorry for the tears I brought you, for the days when you felt you are unloved because we were focused on your sister, for those times you have to sacrifice your toy, pillow or even snacks or for those times when you are trying to get my attention but I was too focused on something else.

I am sorry for bringing you here in this world unprepared but then, I thank you for coming into my life. You were one of those reasons why Mama is standing still and doing her best.

I may not be the best Mom, Anak, but I am trying to be at least worthy to be called Mama. I always pray that in everyday I would have a chance to show you how much you mean to me, that you wouldn't feel bad for having a sister.

Love,

Mama <3

...end thoughts...

It has been awhile since I wrote an article. My mind isn't on the right track and I decided to give sometime until I can really feel the urge of writing something because whenever I would have a concrete idea the details would just come naturally and all I needed to do is just type it in and make sure it's something that everyone could understand.