Scared To Be Lonely

As I thought about what to publish today, one of my favorite songs came creeping on my mind. It’s a song by the famous female English song writer “Dua lipa” and Dutch DJ “Martin Garrix”. Then I stopped to ponder on the music a bit after re-adding it to my music playlist. By the way, this article has nothing to do with the content of this music. I just decided to write something on the topic alone.

In our age of social media, we live in a state of nonstop connection and know everything about the lives of people we've never met. We share memes, post pictures of our meals, and live stream our thoughts. But at the same time, we are more lonely than ever before. In fact, in an age where we are so connected (and where loneliness is a massive concern) we have yet to create an opportunity that helps us connect meaningfully with people face to face.

Loneliness can be very dangerous for our health. In a recent TED talk, a neuroscientist explains that feeling alone is a greater predictor of early death than smoking or obesity .

The reason for this is that when we feel lonely , our brain starts to feel threatened and begins to react as if it's under attack. It will begin to release certain hormones (such as adrenaline) that prepare us for danger and activate the fight-or-flight response, unless we take steps to stop it. The brain begins to resemble an overworked employee desperately trying to deal with an endless stream of tasks and new projects. The only way it can deal with this onslaught is by pushing out anything that isn't an immediate priority, which creates feelings of loneliness and isolation.

If you're scared of feeling lonely, you're not alone. There are many reasons why we run from feelings of loneliness, but one of the biggest is this: we think we can only experience loneliness in isolation. In fact, it's the complete opposite. The source of loneliness is the belief that we have to be something or someone other than who we actually are in order to be loved. Loneliness is one of the most important issues of our time. Data shows that we are living in the most lonely society in human history.

What is loneliness?

There are various definitions of loneliness, but they all agree that it has at least the following characteristics:

- Loneliness is a negative emotion: it involves unpleasant feelings in response to isolation.

- Loneliness is an aversive state, and social isolation can be a stressful condition.

- Loneliness involves an actual or perceived lack of social relationships.

Are some people more prone to loneliness than others?

Not necessarily. The literature shows that both men and women experience loneliness at similar rates, which suggests that it's not a gender issue. It appears that everyone is equally prone to become lonely when they find themselves in the situation.

One thing though is certain: loneliness is more prominent among people who have experienced stressful life events such as traveling, starting a new job or moving to a new city. That's why people feel lonely when they go on vacation, for instance, because their social circle shrinks for a short period of time. That's also why people feel lonely after moving to a new city or country – they happen to be in an unfamiliar place and without their usual social circle.

Lonely - why are we scared of it?

It can feel like our phone is trying to replace the human connection we so desperately want. On our phones we have the means to connect with everyone in real time but that's not always a good thing. A text, a snap, a tweet or Instagram post - they all seem to function as a modern day substitute for human contact and connection.

When smartphones are created, they weren't created to facilitate us to being lonely but they have become a way for us to isolate ourselves from real human interaction. Our devices, phones and tablets, have created a new form of loneliness.

We're so scared of being lonely that we're afraid to let anyone in. We don't talk to our folks, our best friends are thousands of miles away, and we've forgotten what it means to be in touch with ourselves. We keep ourselves busy with anything and everything in an attempt to keep the loneliness away. We grab drinks with coworkers instead of going home; we hit the clubs instead of going home; we drink and smoke weed and do anything to feel numb. We have forgotten that the only thing worse than being lonely is having to feel the pain of being lonely.

Loneliness is definitely part of the journey of life. But it doesn't have to be a part of its end. I've been there. You know how long it's been since I've held hands with someone? Do you know how long it's been since I've been kissed in the rain? Haha. Don’t mind me. The point is that we’ve all been lonely at some point in our lives. 

Cue 

Sometimes people are alone by choice, and sometimes they are alone because, well, because that is what life has presented them with.