Do you have a secret? Perhaps a dark secret to be considered. Does it also bugging you for sometime?

Honestly I have some secrets but I can't tell it to anyone. One of the reason why I consider my past without a happy memory. One of the reason why I limit myself on reminiscing my past. One of the reason why I had trust issues. One of the reason why I usually stay away from people.

Those incidents is actually a cursed to me. But I just wanna bring them into my grave. I want them to be buried with me. I want them to remain secret until everyone forget about my story. I want it to be forgotten with me.

However to tell you honestly, I won't deny that there are times like this, that my unheard voice is bugging me. There are times that I just can't help but cry because of pain and hatred. Up until now I still haven't forget every details that happened to that different day's. I don't know, but up until now I still haven't forgive those people who broke my trust. I still haven't got the confidence to tell that secret to anyone. Not even to my own family.

Sometimes I felt that what I did is a mistake. Suppose I should let everyone know because we need justice but... I choose to keep my silence. It's not that I am being coward, it's just, I can't tell what happen to anybody.

• But what if I confess? What if I told everyone what happen? Does it would change the thing? Can we have the justice? But I'm just a kid that time. Would they gonna believe me?

• Honestly, sometimes I feel guilty for being a coward, and it's rooting me inside. She/We deserve but..sigh! Those thoughts already killed me a billion of times, and sometimes to ease some pain I sometimes consider that this life, this life that I am been living up to now, is not a life anymore. This is already my death. In this way I felt some relief.

I don't know how am I going to face the truth. I don't know how am I going to face everyone. I don't know how to live my life anymore after that traumatic incidents happen . I don't know how am I going to forgive them. That incidents leaves a scar on me. A big scar.

Trust issues. Anger. Hatred had grown inside my heart. I wanna put a cursed on them, but I know it's bad. I know I shouldn't. I know I should forget the past and live my life with my present, but I just don't know how.

I actually had so many questions in mind, and I wanna hear their side, but I can't even face those bas*****.😭

I won't, and I would never, ever forgive them until my death. They are heartless. They are soulless and I hate them so much. I actually murdered them a billion of times in my mind already. I stabbed them into tiny pieces, and because of them I become a sinner in thoughts. I don't wanna be like this. I don't wanna be Evil.

But honestly, this hatred. This hatred is making my life so hard and I don't deserve this, but what can I do? I can't forgive them because they don't deserve my forgiveness. They don't deserve to live with peace. They deserve to die with that heavy guilt. They deserve to die with hatred. They deserve to get burnt in hell. They don't deserve happiness. They are Evils. They are not humans. They are fuc*** monsters.

• Up until now, I don't understand them. Why they did that to us, why us? Up until now I am still in pain, but I know. I know I should let go this hatred . I just don't know how. One thing that I am certainly sure is up until now I still hate them. Everytime I remember them, my tears run, and my chest is painful like I am being stabbed.

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Closing thoughts;

I know you don't understand, and I'm sorry about this unexpected revelation from me. I know you have so many thoughts in mind while reading, but it's not what you think. I'm sorry, but I can't tell you what happened before. I still can't. I still don't know when to start. I just released some thoughts to feel better, because honestly I even cry while typing this blog. Up until now the pain is still fresh. I can't even hold my emotion, but after I let go those words I feel a little better now.

Actually I tried to convince myself that what I did is just right. To save our reputation. To save our family. To save their family.

Keeping those secrets, we can avoid unnecessary problems, most specially now that my father is already gone. No one will gonna protect my family anymore, so I guess I just need to find a place so I can teach myself how to forgive them. Hopefully I can, because I still wanna be happy. And if confession is the only way to release myself from this cold bar(jail), I might confess soon.

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