Keeping myself out of "situation ships"

People scare me. They change their minds so quickly. One moment it’s “I love you” and “you make me happy” and the next it’s, “I’m not sure anymore” and “this isn’t what I want.” I have never been so cautious enough in letting people walk through my pages as much as I do now. I rarely keep people anyway. But, once I choose someone to keep, that means the world to me. Trust me, I appreciate everyone for small, silly reasons, but there are only a few ones whom I want to keep closer. People tend to say I built tall fences but I cannot exactly tell and I don’t know who among them are willing to make it on the other side either.

I’m a little more distant, I hide most of the time, I observe a lot not because I am withdrawn from anyone but because I appreciate silence and peace more. But if there are people who can get me out from the comfort I’m in effortlessly, that’s a real deal to me — that’s because I voluntarily take my feet out from the borders I set myself for.

Does it give a good feeling when you have someone to talk about how hard it is to open up to someone about being sad for no reason? To talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason, To talk about how hard it is to understand why you’re having a panic attack while just taking walk back home, And to talk about how hard it is to understand yourself and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why. I just wonder what could it be like, the emotions and interactions involved.

A colleague told me, “Words without actions are useless.” It’s true. The reason why I‘m acting up today is that I ghosted someone. It’s not because I fell out of feelings and found someone better but because I cannot find a clue. It’s like I’m walking in a dark room, not sure where the door is. I actually, saved myself. I don’t blame myself anymore for loving a person because it is inevitable, to begin with. I’m giving myself a favor to do my best to free myself from that more-than-friends-but-less-than-lovers situation. I’m always caught up in that kind of situation. I don’t want to invest feelings anymore and I have no idea if I can even get something back. I believe that’s not what they do in business. When you invest you always expect to have something more than your investment. Love is not business after all. But the scary part, when you invest in love, is that you don’t know if you’re getting played or if they’re actually into you.

In the end, I end up thinking about the wasted time like, where did all the efforts go? Why aren’t they noticed? I did not ask him why we can’t label that something we have because I know for sure I am the only one who wants a relationship and you can’t force a person set into a relationship that they don’t want. You will just look pity in their eyes.

I tell you now, I'm happy to free myself. I have a few favorite people; you could be one of them. There could be a person who goes out of our lives, but I am grateful to God for every people who values me. They add more hues to this monochrome canvas.

I was inactive for like 3 days because we don't have an internet connection for 3 days. I hope this doesn't happen again. I miss y'all 🐰

Lead image from Unsplash. 

😘