Cheat me not

There are so many people in today’s day and age that wind up having to face the acute pain that comes with being cheated on. They are frustrated, heartbroken, and confused about why something so terrible happened to them if there were any indicators that they should have taken note of before it happened, and if there’s anything to do to save their relationship now or prevent it from happening to them again in the future. When you are faced with something like this, it’s perfectly normal that you would start to feel very vulnerable and experience waves of self-doubt.

When someone’s cheated on by their partner, they’re often left to ask, why?

How could someone they trusted and loved - and who they thought loved them back – betray them in such a shocking and hurtful way? There’s usually not only a sense of anger and upset, but also total disbelief.

The reasons people cheat are varied, but there is a number that crop up time and again in the counseling room. If you’re currently struggling to understand why this has happened to you, you may find it useful to think about some of the following.

Disconnection

One of the most common reasons for infidelity is the feeling that you and your partner have drifted apart. In this case, cheating can feel like a way of finding something new and exciting when your relationship has become predictable and familiar. A sense of disconnection from one’s partner can happen for a variety of reasons. There may be a lack of proper communication in the relationship (talking about specific issues or just generally keeping in touch about how you feel). Or life may have become dominated by work or looking after kids, so time together has become more functional than loving.

Feeling unloved

We often use the term ‘love languages’ to describe how people express affection to one another. Some partners communicate more verbally by saying nice things, whereas others might prefer to express affection physically by cuddling or kissing. If your love language is different from your partners, that can leave you feeling unloved – and potentially more open to the affections of someone who seems to understand you better.

Imbalance

If there’s a lack of balance in a relationship, one partner can begin to feel a bit like a parent and the other like a child. For example, one partner may feel like they have to be the responsible one, making all the decisions, organizing the home, managing the finances, and so on, while their partner doesn’t pull their weight. An affair might then be tempting to feel appreciated and equal. Equally, the partner in the ‘child’ position may feel criticized and as if nothing they do seems to be enough, meaning an affair might feel like a way of reclaiming some sense of freedom and superiority.

Scared to commit

Sometimes, affairs occur at times when you might assume people would be the most secure in their relationship, such as after getting engaged or when someone is pregnant. But worries about over-commitment can be very destabilizing. Sometimes, people can sabotage what they have, intentionally or unconsciously, as a way of dismissing feelings of responsibility.

Insecurity

Affairs can also arise from personal insecurities. Low self-esteem can cause people to be very dependent on the attention of others—and in some cases, the attention of just one person isn’t enough. It may also cause someone to feel insecure in their relationship, so much so that they might cheat as a way of rejecting rather than being rejected.

So, why do people cheat in a relationship? It could be any of those and there could be other reasons for infidelity.

Let's guard our hearts. Never settle for the bare minimum :)