When I was a teenager I have so many questions, questions that most of them were left unanswered. Teenage years are the stage of confusion, curiousity, and exploration.

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This stage (teenage) where questions are rising because of too many confusions, questions out from curiosity, and questions as part of exploring oneself or the outside world. But mostly late parents do not understand this kind of human stage, they tend to keep things and scold instead of giving answers that is why some teens will rebel as they tend to vent their frustration from that.

Questions that linger on me when I was a teen and until now it was left unanswered:

I grow up knowing I don't have a dad because people keep telling me that, even at my young age I already know it. My stepfather keeps telling me I am not his daughter. I got bullied a lot because of that but I just shrug it off, but later on when I reach my teenage year confusion and questions arise. I want answers but nobody dares to tell me or explain to me the truth and not lies.

I keep asking...,

Mom, Why I don't have a father?

Every time I asked my mom about this she will yell at me. She will tell me “Stop looking for your devil father! He is a devil and he doesn't love you!”

Instead of getting the g right answers, I was scolded, I received hundreds of yelling and curses!

Don't I deserve to know the truth??

Mom, Why did father left you when you were pregnant with me?

“I told you many times, your father is a devil! He left because he is irresponsible!”. Then she told me my father was already dead that I don't have the chance to get to know or see him anymore.

I don't care about my father, I just want to know what happened and what's the truth, isn't that hard to be answered?

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Mom, why are you mad at me most of the time?

My mom used to scold me for some lame reasons, blaming me that I caused her life misery although everything was her choice and the results of her actions. I asked her why she's always mad at me and she said “Because you are like your father! You are all bullshit, made my life miserable!”.

Is my question being answered? For me no. I was naive back then, I didn't know yet that she was blaming me for everything.. later did I know she hated me because I was the reason for the miserable life she leads.

Why did you let father to touched you when you know he's a married man?

Going forward, my mom started to open up with me. He told me that my father is already a married man and he lives in Surigao Philippines. Then as a naive one with so much curiosity, I asked her why did she allow father to touched her when she knows he was married?

She told me he used some black magic to her that even if she knows he was a married man, she cannot say no.

I don't know if it made sense or not but I didn't say anything anymore.

Why did father didn't look for me?

I always ask myself am I not worthy to have a father? Am I not worthy to feel a father's love?

Mom told me that my father knows she was pregnant but he never came back to look for me.., so sad.

But.....

Life must go on..!

Closing Thoughts

I know some of my questions are so blunt, well that was before when I was a teenager. I am the type of person who speaks whatever in my mind but as I grew mature, I've learned to understand things and avoid asking questions that might bring back the pain of the past especially my mom.

I didn't ask anymore again about my father, I didn't even remember the first name she told me only the last name as I am not interested anymore.

Some people said I must look for my father to have closure for myself to be complete, but mom and aunt said he died already. If I am interested to look for the blood side of my father they are now willing to help, they said I had half-siblings from my biological father. But I am not interested at all.

I chose to close the door from the painful past and move forward as I believe not all things are meant to have closure. The moment a person left you without explanation is already a closure, a closure for us to accept that we don't have a special spot in their heart and we are not welcome in their lives.

If you ever wonder why I keep sharing my past in here it's because this is also a way of releasing this thoughts that lives so many years in my head, it also shows I am already over it as I am now comfortable sharing it. I used to mind what other people say about it before but now? I am not anymore. Don't also judge my mom, she had gone through a lot and we are now in good terms.

And if you are also interested to write about this prompt below are @JonicaBradley simple rules that have to be followed.

1. Write about questions

1. Write 100% original content

1. Write at least 600 words

1. Tag @JonicaBradley

1. Have fun!

As always thank you for reading!