I Can't Thank Him Enough (Pt. 1)

It's my first time to share my experiences as a Christian here. I wrote this with the intent of being a living testimony on how God has been always good to me, despite all of my inequities.

Since I think this will be long, maybe I will post it in parts. I hope you stay tuned.

2019 is My Year

Let me start from this year. You might be thinking that 2019 is the year I got rich, or successful, or other similar thoughts with the way I said it.

My friend, 2019 is the year I've cried the most tears. It is the year that tested my inner strength, and impacted my will to go on.

• Graduating Year

I had to study in the main campus when I entered the second semester of my fourth college year. The main campus is in a place quite distant from my hometown, so I had to get a dorm.

I, along with my three close friends, was able to get a dorm that pays a reasonable rent. It's like a small room, with two double-deck beds, a small kitchen place, a CR, and a table with four chairs. The rent includes water but we have to regularly pay for electricity.

That time, my older sister and my father are the only ones who have a job. They now had to pay for my monthly rent, too. The rent, even at a reasonable price, covers a large percent to my sister's salary. I always felt bad whenever that amount is separated from our budget, just so I can pay for the dorm.

Of course, I have to eat, too. Or buy essentials, like soap, school stuff, etc. I am certain I have lived really frugally in this time of my life, but the expenses are still so material to me. And I've always felt bad.

• This Year Put Me Into a Lot of Pressure.

This feeling always made me think that I should graduate on time. No delays, no further expenses.

If I may share, being an Accountancy Student in PUP (Polytechnic University of the Philippines) is a big deal to me. To assure we will graduate with good knowledge, we had to take this thing called "Evaluation Exams", where we will take examinations about Accounting, and Law, for three to four times in this semester alone, and we should pass.

The exams are like mock tests for Licensure Exams in being a Certified Public Accountant (or CPA), so never expect everything to be easy.

I remember staying up all night just to understand all the topics, and computations even I was so exhausted physically and mentally.

I am not gonna lie, writing this right now makes me a bit emotional. I am not a self-proclaimed smart student; I can say I only got to this point due to purely hardwork and luck.

My dorm mates sometimes sleep earlier than me, other times we all stay up all night. We all put a smile on our faces, hiding all doubts and hardships inside.

I had to make my late night crying sessions as quiet as possible, whenever I had breakdowns. I have always thought I can't make it. Why did I take this course? Why is everything so hard? Can I just stop?

But then I remember all the expenses, the money that has spent just for me to be here, and I wipe those tears. I take my pencil, paper, books and calculator and force myself to stay awake and understand everything even my tears blur my sight.

• Failures, more failures

I know I did my best. I gave my all. I know I had done enough, but it just ain't enough.

Have you experienced getting a 25 out of 100? Or 60 over 100? No? Only me?

I did. And I felt so miserable. What crap is this? All my sleepless, tearful nights brought this? 25/100?

I am so dumb, I thought. I am so dumb. I couldn't count just how many times I said that to myself.

My classmates managed to pass, and I didn't. Why wasn't I able to? Those are the thoughts I always carry with me 24/7.

And with burdened heart, I move forward. It's not like I failed all subjects, I still excel in others, but the goal is to not fail a single subject. And I was far from that goal.

• My Father Was Hospitalized

One peaceful evening while I was scrolling on my phone, I read a message in our church group chat.

My room mates are still eating dinner, and discussing about something while I found comfort in my bed after a long day of examinations.

This is the message:

"Everyone, I hope we will all pray for our Bro. Elmer. He experienced extreme pain in his abdomen and is brought to the hospital now. Let's pray for his recovery."

My hands went onto my face in an instant attempt to hold back my emotional burst. Tears fell endlessly, along with my silent, difficult breathing.

My friends saw me, and I am glad they did not ask why. I prefer dealing with such strong emotions on my own, in private. I am glad they are aware of that. I turned my back at them and typed on to my phone trembling.

The truth is, I had no idea whom to chat immediately. Mom? My siblings?

I calmed myself down in five minutes until I called my mother. My first question is "How is he?"

My mother is a strong hero. I know she, of all, had the hardest time, aside from father, because she handled this alone. She had no real friends to accompany her well.

The other hospitals didn't accept them, so they had to go from one to another, for two days. For the second time, two days.

My father did bear with an excruciating pain for two days, without proper initial treatment.

Knowing all these things didn't do any good. Every single thing just didn't sink in quickly, and I felt my heart breaking for a multiple times.

Like mother has instructed, I had to get myself together. I still have exams tomorrow and I can't let this one distract me, or affect me that much.

I prayed hard all night, a hundred percent just about my parents, no other topics. If it's possible, I could've cried blood back then. My hands are intertwined ever so tightly, and the pain didn't even bothered me.

Maybe if I prayed this hard, everything will just fly like a balloon when I wake up.

When I wake up. That is, if I could sleep.

Hello there! I had to cut my story here, for I will tell the next part soon. The next part is gonna be so long, too, so I figured I must stop here.

I am okay now, I kinda handled my past pain good enough, thank God I have Him. I couldn't have gone through without Him.

Praises be unto His Name!

I hope you had a good read. Please look forward to the Part 2! I will see you there. Thanks a lot for reading, you made me happy today. Until next time!

• Lead Image Source: God is my Help.

• Sources of images in the article are embedded on the photos. :-)