Talk To Them

Today, I had no idea about what to write. I thought and thought about it but nothing came to mind. After an hour I was thinking about a conversation I had with my friends when I was in my first year of University. They were talking about the different life advices their parents gave them before they resumed. Some of them described an emotional, tear-filled moment while others talked about how dramatic their parents were. I was so glad that I was never in their shoes; I didn't have to sit through any dramatic or emotional discussion with my parents which would have been very uncomfortable for me.

It was interesting to listen to them until I realised I had nothing to contribute. I thought hard and hard but I couldn't remember my parents sitting me down to give me any advice; the most I got was a text from my dad the day I travelled which didn't say much. It was weird that he waited for me to leave the house and then texted rather than talking to me, and even in the text, he didn't say anything serious. Eventually, I started to envy my friends who shared these connections with their parents. I could tell that even if they made fun of the exchange with their parents, they still respected their opinions and felt guilty if they did something remotely contrary to what their parents advised.

My parents are good in their own way but when it came to building a bond and asking the big questions, sometimes I wished they would do more. As a teenager, I was surrounded by people who seemed to have things figured out because they had parents or guardians always guiding them on what to do. For me, I was confused a lot. Nothing prepared me for how much I'd have to be responsible for myself, how I'd have to relate with older adults like they were my mates, how I'd have to go to a professors office like an adult and state my case, register for the hospital and pay my bills, plan my time for classes and activities, go to the market for food stuff, buy utensils and cook or even how much boys were going to ask to date me. I was ignorant and naive and I looked the part. I was very small in size and most of my friends at the time were also older than me.

In my first year, I felt like a mess and that was were I started my habit of panicking whenever I got overwhelmed. It was funny how my friends didn't seem to see me that way, they assumed I did or didn't do things because that was the decision I made; they didn't realise that I didn't know where, when, or how to pull myself together and do these things. I didn't know how to share my struggles either because I had no experience doing that. It was then that I felt I needed a rule book to navigate life, I wished my parents had talked to me or even asked how I was coping. I then clinged to my friends for knowledge; when someone talked about what their parents had told them, I took it in and followed the advice too because I believed their parents must give good them advice to ensure that they will succeed. When I saw them doing some things, I did same too. Not all results were positive but I was learning and I'm glad I didn't make terrible mistakes in my learning process.

One of the problems I faced was how to handle finances. My parents sent me pocket money which I also used to pay dues and sort bills. I didn't know how much to expect or how often to expect it as we never discussed anything. After buying books, paying lots of dues and transporting myself to different places, I started running out of money. So, I had to eat as little as possible and eventually I became sick and from there had my first battle with ulcer. I remember how fast my heart was beating when I realised I had to call home for money. I practiced my speech several times and then wrote down the breakdown of how my money was spent. When I called, my mum sent me the money and it made me wonder what I was so scared about.

Another thing was boys. I never wanted to have this talk with my parents, still don't but when I was in my first year, I realised my parents never mentioned their stand on our relationships with the opposite gender. I was confused a lot about what was right or not because what I had learnt in church was different from what everyone else was doing in school. Luckily, I had an older friend who made a comment about boys and I just took it and lived by it till I found what worked for me. Looking back at that time, I was very vulnerable to vices but I'm glad I figured things out for myself.

NB: It is very important to talk to your kids before sending them out in the world. Don't assume they know it all because they don't. And when they make mistakes, be there to show them the right way.